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New mom here with serious issues with ADHD 10 y/o son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 611131" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Here are my thoughts and you can disregard them if you like.</p><p></p><p>I don't think it's a good idea to make a child do Army-like stuff when he is being disciplined. Also, you did move in with your husband when son was at a tender age and you are assuming that what he says is really what he means. My grandson says one thing to his father, another to his mother. Young kids want to say what pleases whoever is in charge of their well being.</p><p></p><p>Kids that young just know that there is chaos in their lives. In my humble opinion, stepparents should take it easy and not get into the disciplining the way your husband did, but even if he hadn't your son has still had a lot of chaos in his early years. The "chaos" is that many different men have been in and out of his life in three short years...his real father, his stepfather, your father...lots of change in caregivers, regardless of the sex being the same, can cause attachment problems in children. And, although you are both his parents, he has lived both with you and new husband and his father and new wife (another new person). This makes a child have insecure attachment and the child can and often does start acting out and having strange clusters of behavioral issues in various degrees.</p><p></p><p>I do not know if your son only abused your dog one time or if he is now kind to animals because we adopted a child with insecure attachment and when he was around us he loved on all the dogs. Then he killed two. Your son was caught. He didn't expect you to walk in on him. I don't know if your son really understands the divorce or accepts or resents the stepfather. I do know he has had three men in his life, a divorce, and many moves in his early years and my suggestion for you is to move forward looking for a neuropsychologist who understands attachment issues. And don't sugar-coat it when you see the neuropsychologist or he won't have a clear picture of what your son went through. If he has any sort of insecure attachment, this can cause major, serious even criminal problems when the child is older unless he sees an attachment therapy specialist. To me, as a layperson parent who has lived with attachment disorder twice, it sounds like he has some form of insecure attachment, but, even if it is something else, or many things he needs a neuropsychologist evaluation.</p><p></p><p>Most of us here do not believe in spanking our differently wired children. Our kids have enough trouble keeping it together. Spanking doesn't help and often amps them up even more and lets them think it's ok to hit. You may have turned out fine, but your husband is not his father and in my opinion should not be getting physical with him nor doling out Army-like discipline that doesn't work anyway. Stepparents who waltz into a kid's life, at any age, and take over, do not help the children. They need to be a friend first and back off the discipline, which should be your discipline and his father's...he sounds like he pretty much took over and is a larger than life figure in your son's life. JMO, but that isn't helping him any. You need to get husband on board with learning how to creatively parent this "differently wired" child and his therapist can step in here. Your son has had a very tough life so far with many people coming and going and many moves. Was it your fault? Life happens. Divorce is not odd, but it can disrupt a child's development if a lot happens in the very early years. Your son needs help and in my opinion your husband needs to back off and if your ex's wife is also very vocal in trying to discipline your differently wired boy, she should probably back off too...</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us. We all come here when things are tough and sometimes we hear things we'd rather not hear. In your case it seems you are downplaying how chaotic your son's life has been, but from his point of view I am thinking he has absorbed life differently than you have. If you don't take it seriously, in my opinion you will have problems down the road that could be quite severe. Now is the time to get him all the help you can and to learn how to best parent him from a professional who understands children who have had a lot of discourse in their young years</p><p></p><p>Others will come along. I'm glad to "meet" you <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 611131, member: 1550"] Here are my thoughts and you can disregard them if you like. I don't think it's a good idea to make a child do Army-like stuff when he is being disciplined. Also, you did move in with your husband when son was at a tender age and you are assuming that what he says is really what he means. My grandson says one thing to his father, another to his mother. Young kids want to say what pleases whoever is in charge of their well being. Kids that young just know that there is chaos in their lives. In my humble opinion, stepparents should take it easy and not get into the disciplining the way your husband did, but even if he hadn't your son has still had a lot of chaos in his early years. The "chaos" is that many different men have been in and out of his life in three short years...his real father, his stepfather, your father...lots of change in caregivers, regardless of the sex being the same, can cause attachment problems in children. And, although you are both his parents, he has lived both with you and new husband and his father and new wife (another new person). This makes a child have insecure attachment and the child can and often does start acting out and having strange clusters of behavioral issues in various degrees. I do not know if your son only abused your dog one time or if he is now kind to animals because we adopted a child with insecure attachment and when he was around us he loved on all the dogs. Then he killed two. Your son was caught. He didn't expect you to walk in on him. I don't know if your son really understands the divorce or accepts or resents the stepfather. I do know he has had three men in his life, a divorce, and many moves in his early years and my suggestion for you is to move forward looking for a neuropsychologist who understands attachment issues. And don't sugar-coat it when you see the neuropsychologist or he won't have a clear picture of what your son went through. If he has any sort of insecure attachment, this can cause major, serious even criminal problems when the child is older unless he sees an attachment therapy specialist. To me, as a layperson parent who has lived with attachment disorder twice, it sounds like he has some form of insecure attachment, but, even if it is something else, or many things he needs a neuropsychologist evaluation. Most of us here do not believe in spanking our differently wired children. Our kids have enough trouble keeping it together. Spanking doesn't help and often amps them up even more and lets them think it's ok to hit. You may have turned out fine, but your husband is not his father and in my opinion should not be getting physical with him nor doling out Army-like discipline that doesn't work anyway. Stepparents who waltz into a kid's life, at any age, and take over, do not help the children. They need to be a friend first and back off the discipline, which should be your discipline and his father's...he sounds like he pretty much took over and is a larger than life figure in your son's life. JMO, but that isn't helping him any. You need to get husband on board with learning how to creatively parent this "differently wired" child and his therapist can step in here. Your son has had a very tough life so far with many people coming and going and many moves. Was it your fault? Life happens. Divorce is not odd, but it can disrupt a child's development if a lot happens in the very early years. Your son needs help and in my opinion your husband needs to back off and if your ex's wife is also very vocal in trying to discipline your differently wired boy, she should probably back off too... I'm glad you found us. We all come here when things are tough and sometimes we hear things we'd rather not hear. In your case it seems you are downplaying how chaotic your son's life has been, but from his point of view I am thinking he has absorbed life differently than you have. If you don't take it seriously, in my opinion you will have problems down the road that could be quite severe. Now is the time to get him all the help you can and to learn how to best parent him from a professional who understands children who have had a lot of discourse in their young years Others will come along. I'm glad to "meet" you :) [/QUOTE]
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