New - Not Sure How To Feel...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by HopeFilledMama, May 12, 2016.

  1. HopeFilledMama

    HopeFilledMama New Member

    Where do I begin?

    16 year old son, autism, adhd, type 1 diabetes, Hashimoto's, alopecia and severe sexual trauma at 12 years old. Recently PTSD responses to trauma as well as self-harm. I will call him J.

    When J was first diagnosed, I decided that no doctor, teacher or therapist was going to limit the possibilities for my son. We beat the odds, and he emerged from severely autistic to extremely high function, smart, funny, communicative boy, who desired relationships and was able to love and be loved. In 2012 he had a best friend. I was over-the-top excited for him. Isn't that what we worked for all these years? Nothing better than sharing life with a friend.

    But this friend was not a friend. He was a predator, and used the friendship to coerce my son into sexual scenarios, and eventually raped my son.

    This experience left tentacles of anger and mistrust and confusion. J is now addicted to pornography and deviant sexual fixations. Pornography is his drug of choice. We will not allow it, and when it is blocked we face weeks of intense aggravation, aggression and assault. On top of this, he is plagued with medical issues that also make him angry.

    We have tried for over a year to find an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) of J, a place where he could work out his anger and pain. A place where he could begin the road to healing. We love our son, but can no longer handle him. He is wounded and has deep needs.

    After 3 failed Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placements (he never went, because the facilities denied placement due to his Type 1 Diabetes) he is now placed in the most amazing facility!! To my shock, they actually admitted him!! It is trauma-focused; filled with kindness; people who are trained and ready to help. Incredible therapies that I do believe will help him make peace with all his issues. This is a chance for him to grow and change and to have a happy life. I am praying that he decides to work and get better.

    Such a struggle. Mothering is not for whimps.

    Please keep him in your prayers.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Hopefulled! Glad you found our little corner of the world but sorry you needed to. It sounds like you have been through quite a bit. I'm glad he at a place where they seem to know what they are doing. Sending prayers your way.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hello Hopefilledmama

    What a story! I am concerned about your description of your husband as a warm body who works.

    With everything going on, do not you both need a real partner and support?

    It sounds like due to your perseverance, your son has found a place that sounds like a real miracle.

    The perpetrator, was he of an age to be criminally charged?
  4. HopeFilledMama

    HopeFilledMama New Member

    My husband is most likely on the spectrum. He cannot *feel* or share emotions. He does not know how to communicate. I do everything myself, alone. It has been this way forever. He was able to keep up pretenses while we were dating, but not long into our marriage. It would be nice to have support and a partner. :*(

    And I do believe this place my son is in IS a miracle!

    The perp was charged...he was only 13. He was being tried as an adult. But the family fled to Chicago, and our county did not pursue. :*( Totally NOT fair.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I more closely read your signature. My son too is adopted with some of the same issues as your son.

    Hopefilledmama, is your husband involved in parenting decisions about your son--like the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placements? Is he sensitive to your son's challenges, in that they may be shared?
  6. HopeFilledMama

    HopeFilledMama New Member

    My son is bio. And my husband is not too involved. He will occasionally do things with him, because I need a break and will set something up (like a car show, or movie). He is not unwilling to do these things. He is very apathetic about everything in life, including parenting. And is just glad not to have the stress of our son in our home. Things have been extremely difficult for over a year. And he is glad he can sleep in on Saturday without our son turning the TV on loudly. (yes, this is what he said). My husband has not been to one IEP meeting, or Doctor appointment or hospital visit (even when our son was diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes). My Mother, Father and Oldest brother passed away in 2006, and my husband would not attend the funerals with me. When I was returning from taking our son to residential (it is 4 hours away) I called my husband and told him I was on my way home, and all he could do was tell me details about his day of work. He did not ask any questions about our son, or how I was feeling. I do not understand, but it is the way it is.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you get husband into marital counseling? Not comforting you at those funerals says a lot about him. You two could probably use help if you wish to remain his partner. His apathy and lack of support is way not the norm.

  8. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Hi Hope. I'm glad you found a good place for your son. I hope they serve him and you well. I lost my parents and my only sister lives in another state, so I can understand your loneliness. ((((HUGS))))
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi HopeFilled;


    I'm thinking you probably are spending all your energy working on your son and daughter (from other post) that the last thing you can tackle is your marriage! I know that is how I would be. How much can one person do at one time? I think you should take care of yourself and do what makes you feel some happiness. Maybe therapy for yourself would be a good start? I would certainly carve out an hour a week to "unload"!
  10. HopeFilledMama

    HopeFilledMama New Member

    Been in therapy since October 2015 with a wonderful woman. it DOES help. The Special Education Director of our school system tole me that my son was in the top 3% of the complicated kids in the school system and she offered to pay for counseling 100%. And she has.

    And I'm not to tired for marriage counseling, we've tried. He's not willing. He is happy to be complacent, and doesn't want to change. He has no friends or relationships. I believe he is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) as well, and just was able to hide some of these things while we were dating (and of course I really did not understand autism/Asperger's back then) Financially, I cannot make it at this point without his income, so I'm kind of "stuck".
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Hope,

    I know the feeling of being married to someone who does not fill your emotional needs.

    Feel free to discuss it if you want.

    I could write a book!

    Welcome to the group!

  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I was referring to my X, not my current, wonderful hubby, of course!
  13. Frieda

    Frieda New Member

    I also have a 16 year old boy with HF autism, adhd, anxiety and learning disabilities. I am also the parent who takes care of all IEPS, therapies, medications and at-home needs. It gets old and I am tired but there is no other choice than to do what I know needs to be done.
    After my son was diagnosed I realized that my father is on the spectrum. It explained soo much about him and my childhood. He also was 'eccentric', little common sense, no social skills and would have been lost without my Type A mother. However he held down a full -time job all his life, has adequate life skills and has been faithfully married. If I could look in the future and know my son could achieve that, I would be over the moon. Knowing my dad is on the spectrum has made our relationship better since I no longer take his 'short-comings' personally.
    Anyway, I am so glad to hear that your son is in a good place. The teen years are brutal on kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) anyway and your son has so much else to deal with and figure out. It will give you a chance to just be his mom for a while instead of nurse, therapist, emergency worker, teacher......too.
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  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Welcome, Hope. I am so sorry to read that your son found a friend only to discover that the boy was not really a friend. That situation is bound to produce many conflicting emotions for your son.

    My son has been angry since the age of 3. Within the past year he has been working with an anger management therapist and has been able to make significant progress. I thought he was going to head into adulthood still struggling with all the anger baggage, but he is doing much better. I hope that the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the turning point for your son.