New Poster! Have Question for you?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by No More Rabbits!, Nov 28, 2007.

  1. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    I have a 15 year old son who's only 'diagnosis' is 'mild dyspraxia' This does impact on his school work a small amount as he finds difficulty writing for extended periods, but he recieves no special help (which WOULD help him and would be offered) as he is "Not a spastic" Please excuse my use of that word it is HIS not mine...

    My son's language is diabolical, it has been since he was small.(I have learned to live with that) But he is permenantly angry at the world. He is increasingly becoming more aggressive verbally to the members of the family, and I have been seeing a parenting support counsellor since May when there was a major row between him and his sister which nearly escalated into physical violence. He refuses to do school work he doesn't feel like doing, He is tiring to be around all most of the time, any little thing will set him off, even somthing that he hears that annoys him on the radio, and as he has gotten older his outburst are more and more difficult to deal with. The content of his tirades are often verbally violent, Racist, Politically Incorrect, and very unpleasant to listen to. When he was younger I thought he might have Aspergers, and I still think he is at the very least borderline Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), he is also extremely intelligent!He has had over the years a number of 'fixations' Currently he is very interested in Politics, and Politics in the Middle East, He is teaching himself Arabic...

    If anything leads him to believe that you think there is 'something wrong' with him he will go into a number and he has threatened to kill himself...... I have tackled him on this on several occassions, and his response is along the lines of "do you think I am stupid?" and then we go back to the rage that started it off......

    We seem to go in cycles with this, where he flares up and then calms down.....for a few months (Typical?)

    Now my question is.... does this sound like ODD? It's not <u>always</u> aimed at me, or my OH, but he HATES HATES HATES school and has done since day one! He is perfectly behaved there (Just to make life really difficult!) and I get both barrels when he comes home... this I am used to, but the ranting just seems to be getting worse and worse. It's also very galling that the school just won't accept that I have a problem with him at home. Is angry ranting - no other word is appropriate - ranting is the one - a manifestation of ODD? Everything is everyone's fault. I can't convey to you the extent of his fury as it's just not repeatable in polite society! Some of it is so bad I can't bring myself to even share it with the counsellor!

    I'd be interested to hear about other people's teenagers with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and their interests, and also if you think the above description fits with your experience of ODD???

    Sorry to write a book. But I'm back on my "Does somebody need to assess this child" bandwagon and frankly I'm not sure I have the mental strength for the ensuing battle!

    Thank you for listening.

    No More Rabbits?
     
  2. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Hello and welcome.
    I have more questions than suggestions.
    In the meantime could you do a profile signature?
    Does your son have any friends? belong to any groups?
    What does he do in his free time?
    If he hates school, does he have any alternative suggestions?
    How do you handle inappropriate talk?

    What was his growth and development like? Was he an average baby?
    Does he have any behaviors that you would consider different?

    Does he have anyone in his life that he talks to?

    I know my son escalated the level of his unhappiness to new highs in early adolescence. He didn't exhibit dislike of any group but was generally so miserable and irritable that being with him was a night mare.

    Glad you found us and hope we can share some info and experiences. My son does not have ODD as a diagnosis but his oppositional behavior was and is his biggest stumbling block to learning a better way to live his life.
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have a non-violent difficult child who just saps the joy out of the air.
    He rarely yells etc. but he is confused, unhappy, on the outside
    looking in etc. for most of his life. At home, thank God, the
    negativity has reduced a bit.

    It doesn't help us much but based on too many years experience parenting, I think that the difficult children with AS type characteristics are
    not able to blend in with other "normal" students at the school.
    My difficult child, for example, REALLY wants to "hang out at the mall with
    friends"...alas, he has no friends. He REALLY wants to go to the
    dances..but..he can't grasp that girls want to have "fun" at dances and usually hang in packs. He is "packless". This causes
    a sense of isolation and anger that parents are hard pressed to
    overcome. Also, difficult children have to "stifle" their emotions in the school environment and sometimes just fall apart at the seams once they are home and let the F word fly etc. Bullying is also a part of the problem and the school are ineffective, I believe.

    It is scarey and complicated. I hope you are able to gain comfort from the CD family. Sometimes it is the only place where
    you can share the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth without fear of consequences. Welcome. DDD
     
  4. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    Welcome to the board it would be really helpful if you could add a signature and answer the questions Fran asked so as we all could get a better picture of what's going on and then we might be able to give you better advice. I'll hold mine until I have some more information. You and you're family will be in my prayers love ya
     
  5. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    OK I've added a sig, not much new info there though.

    GFG15 had a few friends in primary school. Since going to Secondary school (at 11 here in UK)no 'friends' as such - he talks about talking to people (I suspect more at) but he doesn't have invites or hang with them in a group. He once bought a girl home and we all just about fainted (LOL) but she thought his pet rats, and the state of his room were dsigusting, and he went off girls after that.

    In his free time he is on easy child...either gaming (he likes modding games) or on Modding forums. He sometimes watches TV, or reads, but most content is around the stuff he is interested in, History, Military strategy that sort of thing. He interacts with daughter's friends, and her boyfriend when they are here, and appears to have good relationships with them, but they don't net chat or talk on the phone, he must be the only teenager who has no interest in using his mobile. I think he just likes to keep work and school in seperate compartments.

    As a baby he wouldn't walk. He used to scream if I tried to make him, and eventually he was diagnosed with Hypermobile joints. He wore inserts in his shoes for some years to help with mobility.
    I considered his behaviour to be odd all along, I have always suspected an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) as I have had contact with other kids with it - DS seemed pretty similar. He had texture issues, and there are still certain foods that he is practically phobic about. He doesn't like noise. Since he was able to talk, he follows you around telling you all about XXXX (insert 'bee in the bonnet' of the moment), till your head is about ready to explode, and doesn't take kindly to being asked to stop. (Which is why I thought he might have aspergers) He thinks most other people are idiots..... He doesn't have a confident that I know of. Earlier this year following the flare up here, he and I did have a chat and a hug, because he just felt ":censored2:" but he couldn't voice why, and that occured following an incident with the school where Dyspraxia was mentioned again. He is very very sensitive around this issue.

    How I handle innaproprate talk varies on what it is. If he is just generally swearing (not at anyone) I generally let it go (pick your battles) If he lets off a torrent of unpleasant abuse (and believe me there is a huge difference) I point out that it is unacceptable. I either leave the room, or he is asked to leave the room. I am nearly always alway 'bad cop' in a disciplinary situation, and frankly I have got to the point where I let a lot go for the sake on my own sanity. There isn't stuff I can take away as punishment, he says he 'might as well be dead' if you take his easy child away. As it's also just about his only link to communicate with anyone, I'm not sure it's constructive.

    Pulling him out of school was never an option. He WILL NOT work for me in that way. Homeschooling is not much supported in the UK. One of us would have had to go :wink:

    IU hear you on ":censored2: the joy out of the air" I couldn't have put it better. DS did have two pet rats, both of whom died recently of old age. I think it did him a lot of good to have 'rat love' but unfortuantely it had got to the point where him looking after them properly was the subject of a nightly battle and as much as I think it help him, I'm just not ready to go there again. We also have two dogs that he is very attached to. They are rescues as the dog he grew up with also died last year (I swear we are not the kiss of death family for animals LOL!)

    The thing that worries me most is the way he reacts to any suggestion that there is a 'problem' even the hypermobility was a nightmare. He hated the hospital appointments so much he always in a bad mood for days afterwards. He could have extra time in exams and I'd been working towards him getting a laptop to use in exams, but he WILL NOT agree to anything that migh help him, and his school have been useless. He does not present as a problem in class (not till now HA!)so they just brushed me under the carpet. Pretty much the only way you can get a diagnosis here is with a school referral, I don't think I'd dare suggest he saw somebody privately anyway. I've been accused of being 'poor genetic material', he has threatened to cut his hand and his feet off! And when you explain that you find this behaviour distressing, upsetting or worrying....he gets even more angry because you think he is a 'retard'!

    I am at my wits end....I can't WAIT for him to finish school. He has two more years to go to do his A levels. Those are the subjects he will choose for himself so I am hoping that will bring an improvment. Otherwise...The school are stupid. The Government are Stupid...and the guy who made Physical Education compusory should be forced to watch his family being tortured....apparently. I pointed out that he was probably already long dead, and was told he should be cloned from his bone DNA and his CLONES should be tortured....Sigh somedays it's funny. Somedays it's not. I'm sure you all know how it goes. He's a bright, intelligent boy, he actually has good points (I'm sure he does...) and I love him but sometimes I just want it all to go away!

    Think that's all the questions.
     
  6. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Does he want a social life or friends?
    Is there a chance that he can be evaluated by a specialist in autistic spectrum disorders?
    Any chance that a neuropsychologist could evaluate him?
    I know the UK system is somewhat different from the US as well as some difference of opinion about labels and treatment but I'm sure the testing and diagnosing would be about the same.

    He doesn't sound very pleasant to be around. How do his siblings deal with him?
    Is he ever outdoors? Is he ever pleasant or cooperative?

    I agree with not taking his lifeline as punishment. It is counter productive in my humble opinion.
     
  7. No More Rabbits,

    Welcome aboard! You are so close to describing my 16 year old son it is amazing. How could two guys who live so far away from each other be so much alike?

    My son has always disliked school intensely. Our lives would be so much easier if he did not have to go to school; so I understand exactly what you are speaking about. My son hates having to do "busy work" - including all homework. The sad thing is that he aces his tests and wows his teachers, but his grades fall because he won't to work he finds meaningless. That is a lot of the work in his opinion!

    We have worked so hard over the years with hearing and speech evaluations, blood lead level testing, psychological evaluations, therapy... you name it - we've tried it. Finally this year, we had a neuropsychological evaluation conducted. His diagnoses are depression and Asperger's syndrome. IMPO, the depression stems from the Asperger's syndrome. The psychologist has advised us to not speak about difficult child's diagnoses with him or in front of him. He believes it will be detrimental to difficult child right now. I wonder if that is not some of what is happening with your son? I think it is very difficult to be a teenager with Asperger's syndrome.

    We are doing much better at our home by easing up on a lot of our rules and expectations. The techniques found in The Explosive Child book advertised on this site have helped us tremendously. A big piece of this has been our acceptance of difficult child. The next step we have before us is to help him reach that acceptance of himself.

    Good luck with your journey! I have found some wonderful ideas here on the site -and I hope that you do as well...
     
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome.

    From what you describe, this sounds not inconsistent with some form of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Yes, I do think Asperger's is a possibility. We cannot diagnose here, but I can understand why you feel this is a possible diagnosis to consider.

    I have experience with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in teens. Not only have I already raised one (and maybe another half, at least) I am now raising another, who also does drama classes with a whole lot more of them.

    Have a look at the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on http://www.childbrain.com. It's not diagnostic, but you can print the results and show them to someone.
    And I keep seeing the connection with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) symptoms, and hypermobility! All three of my younger kids are hypermobile, and all have Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) signs too.

    difficult child 3 just walked into the room and I read to him your description of your son. difficult child 3 kept saying, "Yeah, that's like me." And finally he said, "Where do they live? If only I could meet him!"

    Have you read "The Curious Incidence of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon? The main character of that story (it is a narrative, and fiction) is Asperger's (according to the book - I would describe him as fully autistic, due to the history of language delay described). And the book is British, the boy goes to London. The character is the same age as your son. It might be too much to ask your son to read it, but I think you would find it interesting. You will cry, you will laugh. It's like that.

    The character in that book, Christopher, sounds a lot worse than your son. Same with my difficult child 3 - I think he's worse than your son too. This is good news for you. You CAN help him, but you need to change a few things first.

    Step 1 - get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids are the pits, especially in their teens when hormones add to the mix. But things could be a heck of a lot worse. There are a lot of good things about Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).

    Step 2 - find another label. "Dyspraxia" is only a descriptor, it's not a diagnosis in itself. And a label does not necessarily mean a disability, or an imperfection. A lot of people who are deaf, for example, get very offended if you refer to them as disabled or handicapped. They believe that EVERYBODY ELSE is handicapped for not being taught to sign. It's an advantage, they say, to be immune to loud noises, to be able to work without fear of distraction in a noisy environment. You don't miss what you never had, and sign language is a beautiful way to communicate. You can also carry on a conversation across a crowded room. And if everyone else around you is ignorant of signing, you can get away with being pretty rude as well!
    And it's the same with a lot of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids - this is how they are, they get very angry when people treat them as handicapped. If you ask an autistic adult if they would like to wake up one morning and not be autistic, you would probably be told, "no way". Temple Grandin is a classic example - thanks to her autism, she is capable of some amazing things which form a big part of her livelihood. Yes, there are disadvantages but they are worth it, in her eyes.

    Step 3 - change your thinking, and his. He is not disabled. He has gifts and amazing capability, but because his brain learns in different ways, he needs to find the best way to work with it so he won't be slowed down. Focus on his talents, and also focus on areas where he needs more practice. For example, difficult child 1 has some issues with short-term memory, and couldn't write an essay to save his life. So we found other ways for him to develop these skills, ways which work for other people too so he wasn't being singled out.

    The gaming, the insistence on everything following the rules, the sense of entitlement, the superior attitude - yep, it all fits.
    We handle the superior attitude with, "yep. You're right, you ARE superior. But people do not like to think they are not as smart as you, so it's not good manners to keep reminding them. They're not as emotionally strong as you, it upsets them to be reminded of their stupidity."
    (Now WE know he is not THAT emotionally strong; but if you build him up he will begin to feel a lot better about himself).

    We kept telling our kids, "You are smart. Really, really smart. You have the brains to do this. If you're having trouble, let's find a way to help your brain learn this more efficiently."

    We explained about autism to difficult child 3 by saying that the brain is like a computer operating system. When you are printing a text file off your computer, it could have come from a Mac, or a easy child. Once it comes off the printer you really can't tell.
    Both types of computer are equally good. PCs can be better at some things, Macs are better at others (such as graphics). But you can do just about anything, on either computer.
    But to make that computer work, they need an operating system to tell the computer in binary, how to do the job. And the operating system for a Mac will not work on a easy child. And vice versa.
    Some people have Mac brains, some have easy child brains. And we never specified who had what sort of brain, the analogy stops there.

    Some of the smartest, brightest, most talented people in the world are probably Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. Einstein. Bill Gates. Steve Irwin maybe?

    Here's a link for you - this guy is maybe the best in the world on Asperger's.
    http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/
    Tony says, "From my clinical experience I consider that children and adults with Aspergers Syndrome have a different, not defective, way of thinking."

    He goes on to say a lot more really good stuff. Read the whole article on the link above.

    Your son does need to be evaluated, but he does not have to accept a label of disability. He CAN embrace a description of himself as gifted, talented, needing to find a more efficient way to learn and work - but disability can be left out.
    If he were a budding concert pianist, you would be supporting him by driving him to lessons, performances, guarding his health and especially his hands. (and that reminds me - playing piano was recommended for difficult child 3 to help his hypermobility). Find a way to justify any support of him, if only to make it clear you want him to excel in his favourite areas. But the proviso needs to be - he has to find a way to turn his passions into a career path. Maybe IT? Or writing gaming software? Help him find a possible career path and support him in that direction, whichever way he feels he needs to go.

    And good luck. Keep us posted.

    Marg
     
  9. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    Hi thanks for taking the time to reply.

    I did the Child Brain test, and it came out at 97 - possibly mild Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - much as I would have thought. It was interesting though!

    I know hypermobility is a co-existant condition, but I tell you there was NO WAY the hospital were going to make another diagnoses...not even when difficult child would only lie under the table during consultations and play with the mechanism for the adjustable table. The NHS is free, but like the schools system, they get away providing the bare, bare minimum if they can...It should have been down to the school, and I have sat down with countless teachers who have fed me no end of guff. I live in a borough of London that has a high incidence of behavioural difficulties for various reasons (Poverty, dysfunctional households, Cultural misfunction etc) When half the class are swinging off the lights, the one sitting in the corner with gritted teeth gets ignored! Unfortunately the fact he was quiet in class means that I couldn't get anyone to take me seriously.

    I HAVE read the Dog in the Nightime - I thought it as brilliant and I gave it to both my daughter's read too, and we all agreed there were some elements of the characters personality that were just like difficult child's.

    I'm going to order the explosive child today. I've said before that I wouldn't CHANGE difficult child even if I could....there are a lot of very positive things about him. He is a bit of a loose cannon at the moment that's all - but like you say he is a teenager. He is very passionate about the things he believes in (which has to be a good thing?) mostly they are 'acceptable' if a little extreme!
    For example he got very angry hearing stories of rats being used for medical experimentation (he had two as pets)

    I agree with you totally that he is not "disabled" just "differently ENABLED" and in many ways the way his brain works IS actually SUPERIOR (well to mine anyway!) He has a near photographic memory, revision is to him, a pointless waste of time...the subject of much grief, until I just gave up, his marks do not reflect a lack of revision.... His science teacher has unfortunately 'lost' his interest, he will not work in class for him, but he got an A* (top mark) in the exam they took...

    I do begin to feel quite sorry for some of his teachers. He's driven his French Teacher to distraction, I had a message on my answerphone last week where the poor woman was practically hysterical. He owes her five pieces of homework (I ask every night if he has any...) she thinks he is A* material. He thinks she is a Expletive Deleted - so he won't work for her. Now he KNOWS he can drive her round the bend.....he will continue to bait her.He wanted to do Latin and Ancient History, he would have sat on a sharpened stick to join the class, but having said yes, at the last minute the Latin teacher changed her mind, and he had to do French instead. What the French teacher doesn't realise is that SHE IS BEING PUNISHED! LOL! I did tell her this. Along with the fact that I couldn't MAKE a 6'1" 15 year old actually DO something he didn't want to. I also told her that I was in counselling (yeah OK she caught me on a bad day) She's got him in detention tonight so we'll see how that goes

    Thanks for your support. It's much appreciated. It helps to know difficult child isn't the only one like him out there.

    Regards
     
  10. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    There's a great AS site that I'm pretty sure has adult members from the UK. You might take a peek there and see if you can pick up any thoughts on how to possibly getting him a diagnosis or whatever you might be able to do at his age. (I don't want to chase you away because I'd venture a guess they'll tell you to leave him alone regarding the disciplinary stuff ;-)but the reality is there are other family members impacted).

    http://www.wrongplanet.net/
     
  11. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    Hi!

    No I don't think he is particularly bothered about the friends. He thinks the people he talks to at school are friends, but like I say he doesn't want them to cross over to home....

    I'm wary of pushing for diagnosis at this moment in time, as he is so very opposed to the idea. I really feel that it could push him over the edge. I've not had a lot of luck soliciting outside help in the past, as difficult child is so insular out of the home. I'm kind of hoping once he is out of school he won't face too many challenges on a daily basis....

    Most of the techniques and strategies I've used on him have come from reading books, and info online.

    He has driven his older sister round the twist. She and I have had arguments about him, she refuses to see him as having a problem.

    She thinks my management of him is indulgent and that he is a 'brat' - apparently I should have slapped him into submission when he was small! (Yeah right, as if!) In fact husband and I were wondering if she was also on the spectrum after some stuff that has happened? Who knows?

    His other sister is totally on board with me and our self diagnosis. Mostly she manages to deal with him OK. There have been a couple of occassions where this fell down just in the last year or so, including the incident which I spoke about in my first post. He actually ended up punching the wall, and needed to be seen by A&E.

    There are certain words that you just cannot use to him, otherwise he just flips. Unfortunately they are commonly in useage with teenagers here....she got him on a bad day, post a teacher at his school talking to him about his dyspraxia,she said the wrong thing, and got the full treatment.

    He said some horrendous, totally unacceptable stuff to her, She left the house and didn't come back for three days (She was with her boyfriend and his parents) He was sat down and told by me, and by husband as a team, that his behaviour was completely unacceptable. That there are certain thing you just CANNOT say to a member of your family (your sister for goodness sake!) His take on the matter initially was that you say horrible things BECAUSE you want to upset them (It's occassions like this when you know you are dealing with someone who doesn't have a grip on reality, and the social niceties) We tried to make him understand that is not the case, there are some things that you CANNOT say to people you love and expect them to take as 'heat of the moment' and forgive instantly.

    He was sorry, he always is, even if it is hard to spot! I can tell when he has taken something on board. I told him off on Tuesday for another unnaceptable rant, and he was being extra attentive to me last night,he kept coming to find me and touch my head, but it took 24 hours to process.

    He is tiring to be around that's for sure. I can let a lot wash over me, but it does grind you down. He can be pleasant (leave him to do his thing...) he can co-operate, but his span is limited and any little thing that you say, or do, or that goes wrong, can put him back to misery guts in a trice.

    Thanks for your response.

    Regards
     
  12. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    Thanks for that link....I'll check it out some more later.

    I've just seen that one of the links on the front page is about a sad incident that happened very locally to me!

    Sometimes if you can just get into the mental patterns, it helps with translating it back to EARTH behaviour I find

    I'm sure there is stuff on wrong planet that will help!

    Regards
     
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You will find a lot of stuff in "Explosive Child" will help you find a way to get through to him about how to behave with other people. You will need to get his sister on board with it, as well. When I had a family member who didn't have time to sit down and read the book, I explained it to them - it helped me get it straight in my own head, too.

    He is currently using other people as a barometer, in terms of what to study, who to 'reward' with his intellectual prowess. This is not good - he does need to move towards valuing himself and his own achievements, in being his own rewarder. A subject or teacher he doesn't like - he should try to do well IN SPITE of the teacher, and make it clear he is achieving without their help. He wants to study Latin? So study it, man! There are some good, cheap, software packages that you can use to teach yourself. We also have the option at libraries and at the local university, to use their language laboratory to brush up on any language we choose. And surely, succeeding in Latin would be a really good revenge on the teacher who changed her mind? But ultimately, his own success should be the reward - for him.

    Regarding getting a diagnosis - if it's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) it's really difficult when they're older, especially when they're bright. These kids are trying to adapt (despite what it seems) and so what ends up being observed and measured has a veneer of assumed normality to it. For example, by 15, difficult child 1 had reduced the noises he makes to a quieter sound, one which seems less unusual than the earlier noises he used to make.
    difficult child 3's noises - he used to be echolalic, used jargon speech (which his sister called "talking in scribble") and sounded like a classic autistic kid. His vocal stimulant now is much quieter, it mostly sounds like throat clearing. When you know him you can hear that it is different, it isn't QUITE throat clearing, and sometimes he can get quite noisy with it, but that's when nobody else is around and he doesn't feel so much need to suppress it.

    He clearly learns differently. He really does sound a lot like difficult child 3, in the way he learns. difficult child 3 doesn't revise either. He also needs to learn by 'seeing' the whole thing in one piece. While he benefits from breaking up tasks into smaller units, if he hasn't seen some visualisation of the whole task or topic at some stage then he really struggles. But let him see the whole thing and if he is receptive (as he generally is now he's older) then he stows it away in his brain with lightning speed.
    He reads books fast (factual books) and watches movies with subtitles, to help him understand them better (his hearing is perfect). What he sees and reads, he remembers almost perfectly.

    Oh, and I had meant to say, on the topic of your son deliberately misunderstanding dyspraxic as "spastic" - we don't use the term 'spastic' these days, the term is cerebral palsy. And it generally is a purely physical condition, some CP people could even give him a run for his money, in terms of mental ability. It sounds like he is deliberately misunderstanding to be aggressive on the topic, to demonstrate his anger. And at some level, he IS angry because life just isn't fair. People are mean to him, people don't give him a fair go, he just wants to be allowed to do things his way and doesn't understand why he has to fit in, especially when it's so difficult.

    It will take time, and maybe counselling would be good (if you can find a door to kick down) but he has to get some understanding of and control of his anger, it is doing him damage in a number of ways. Again, "Explosive Child" could help there, too, if you can give it a go and get family to work with you on it.

    Marg
     
  14. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    OH I agree with you on lot of points. I do think that he has 'adapted' assumed a veneer. I sometime think I should tape one of his rants and hand it to a professional!

    He's decided to get an A* in German to show his teacher he can do it. She thinks he can anyway (she told me so) I think he secretly likes her...even though he pretends not to. SIGH. All of my kids are great at languages - a gene which skipped me entirely - I'm just taking a break from my language homework for tomorrow (I'm doing an evening class)

    We're going to get him some arabic stuff for Christmas. A book and a CD or a CD rom. I'm sure he could learn latin to, but he has switched preference for the time being. My difficult child is just like yours, seen and heard and it's in and there for good. It's quite scary. He's very interested in politics and stuff. He can remember all the names. His history teacher seemed to think I'd been leaning on him FORCING HIM to learn WW2 stuff from the age of dot. In reality he spent a month or so one year, lounging on the sofa of an evening watching the history channel till the programmes started to repeat....his knowledge of dates, names, places is all filed away.

    I know about Cerebal Palsy - it's the same here, it's not correct to use the word spastic here in UK either. It's unfortunately one of those words that a lot of kids (teenagers) use as an insult, or to say you are being ham-fisted doing something. I think it's a bit of a hot potato for him as a lot of the kids at the hospital when we made the many visits when he was younger, did have CP or similar 'obvious' external mobility problems. I agree with you - he has RAGE against the world at the moment!

    I've ordered the Explosive child....can't wait to read it. Thanks for your input. Much Appreciated.

    Regards
     
  15. SRL

    SRL Active Member



    One of the biggest helps that site has been to me is reading how adults with AS describe their thoughts and feelings experiences . Often times they have developed reasoning or reactions that makes perfectly good sense to them...even though I can't see it/feel it in the same way.
     
  16. Mrs Smith

    Mrs Smith New Member


    This is my son but with Learning Disability (LD)'s and his word is retard instead of spastic. medications have helped a little to reduce this tendency but we still hear the verbal garbage. I'm so hating puberty!

    When he's done venting though, he crumbles to the floor and cries, apologizes and the real issue - sadness and low self-esteem spills out (I'm useless, stupid, why don't you just kill me, I can't do anything, nobody likes me, my life is so hard, etc....) I try to use this time to talk about things he does well, give ideas of how to better handle frustration and anger and point out his unrealistic expectations of perfection. It breaks my heart to see how much pain he's in and not really be able to fix it.

    The other thing that helps is a social skills class with a group of similar kids. Still, he has adopted a superiority complex as a coping mechanism around other people and at school. I'm hoping once he starts to feel better about himself, this will go away.
     
  17. brandyf

    brandyf New Member

    i am no way an expert..but i was thinking more along the lines of Bipolar Disorder in this young man. especially with the cycling she had mentioned???? what do you guys think? the morbid love for rats...??? the talk about kiling himself...cutting off hands and feet...??
     
  18. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    I'm interested in your comments, but I have to say I don't think bi-polar is an issue.

    The hand and feet bit is easy to explain. The particular problems he has with hypermobility is manifest in these two areas. He has HUGE, very flat feet, buying shoes is a nightmare, He hates his feet, and maintaining writing is a real problem - hence his hands are 'useless' too and are dyspraxia personified. If you challenge him after one of these outbursts he says "I wouldn't ACTUALLY do it...do you think I am stupid!"

    Sorry but you do have "morbid love for rats" as quite the wrong interpretation....Rats are friendly, intelligent and very lovable animals. <u>I cried </u>all day the day we lost the last one I don't mind admitting it :smile: They are excellent pets, they just don't live long enough. I'd have a rat anyday if I wasn't fit enough to exercise dogs. Never underestimate the love you can get from a rat :wink: difficult child was too upset to go to school both days that the rats died (one was ailing and had a seizure in my hands (difficult child's favorite) and the other had to be put down by the vet) If it wasn't for the fact we are planning a long distance move in six months might have gone straight out and replaced them - I really do believe they were good for him.

    It's the threatening to kill himself that I do find the most distressing, as I'm sure all the other parents here who have experienced it will probably agree. It tears me apart to hear him say that, expecially when he is in a volatile and unpredicatable state.

    I think his cycles occur more due to the circumstances around him, than an internal trigger. It's every X weeks or X months, that something will come up that upsets him. It was certainly his dyspraxia 'in the air' at school that triggered his big flare up ealier this year.

    Regards
     
  19. No More Rabbits!

    No More Rabbits! New Member

    Hi Josie,

    I cried when I read your post....that list of negativities is practically my difficult child's word for word. It really does tear you apart doesn't it. There have been a few times he has stormed out of the house, and my husband has said let him go, but I've always managed to get him to come back (chasing him up the road, fortunately domestic disturbances go unnoticed around here LOL)He has no where to go, leaves without mney, keys or a phone. I don't want him walking the streets in that frame of mind.

    My DS is intelligent, good looking, tall, slim, and has a very wicked dry sense of humour. The way that I, and the rest of the world see him is a universe apart from the way he sees himself. All he can see is the stuff he CAN'T do - not the millions of things he can and does do better than anyone else.

    He also uses 'retard' which is another popular term of abuse among UK teenagers!

    You get the verbal garbage though? What triggers it usually?

    Regards
     
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The verbal insults and put-downs - we got a note home from difficult child 3's teacher saying that if he persisted in calling the other kids names like "fa**Occupational Therapist (OT) retard" he wouldn't be popular. I wrote back pointing out that she knew our family well and there was only one place where difficult child 3 was learning words like that - at school. And these were the sort of insults kids throw at a kid like difficult child 3 who is 'different'. So she shouldn't blame him for merely repeating what was said to him as an insult. He had no idea what it meant.

    Kids who get attacked, will learn to attack, often lashing out before they are attacked as a way to protect themselves from being hurt. We worked really hard to teach difficult child 3 pacifism. His best mate (also autistic) has a father who is like an aggressive version of Hulk Hogan, they have taught their son to defend himself. So yes, the boy doesn't get teased as much as difficult child 3 did, but then he also gets into more trouble for being verbally aggressive as well as hitting back when he has been clobbered.

    difficult child 3 was quite physically aggressive until we pulled him out of mainstream school. Now he has learned to walk away from conflict and the few problems he has had have perhaps not been as severe as they could have been, since the violence isn't escalated by him physically hitting other kids.

    With the storming out of the house when upset - difficult child 1 used to do that. We actually used times when he was calm, to show him places he could safely go to be alone and get the anger out of his system. We have a large, leafy tree in the front garden, for example, he used to climb that. In the dark we couldn't see him, and he would stay there until he felt calm enough to cope.

    It's not easy for them, by any means. But if the progress both of my boys has made is any indication, it does get bteter.

    Marg
     
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