Lothlorien: "I know if SaraPA jumps in on this thread, she will likely tell you about night seizures possibly being the cause of some of this behavior."
SaraPA: "Night seizures can cause some of this behavior."
Oh, I love the way we all bounce off one another! I guess it's because we each bring our own unique experiences to the board and collectively pooled, it's good stuff.
Mox, welcome. I wouldn't be focussing on punishment at this stage. I would, however, work on natural consequences as well as "It doesn't matter who did this, someone has to clean it up so it has now become a family chore." You all pitch in to help so cleaning up isn't necessarily a punishment. But it IS something that must be done.
Too often our kids do not see cause and effect. Instead, they don't have the follow-through on how much work they actually can make for us. This way, you're not only getting the job done but you're showing them that life is going to be full of other people's messes that have to be taken care of, regardless of who caused it. We try to get the person responsible to clean up but life isn't always like that. So instead, lesson No 2 is that we support each other in the family, and work as a team. Again, regardless of blame.
If someone does own up to having done something wrong to cause a mess, then we still might help them clean up - it provides a good opportunity to talk - but we make it clear that we are CHOOSING to help, it is not our responsibility.
A baby gets a dirty nappy - who cleans it up? The baby can't as yet, because the baby is simply too young. This isn't a blame issue, it's a responsibility issue.
A toddler dirties his/her pants, who cleans it up? Within the capabilities, the toddler needs to learn to clean up. This again is not punishment, it is responsibility. Again, parents choose to help because it is also a teaching tool. Again, it's not about blame. It's about growth, and getting the job done. Helping each other, working as a team. Toddlers do have accidents, but accident or defiance, the end clean-up job needed is the same.
difficult child 3 was in a temper and slammed a door at his grandmother's house. The vibration shattered a widow attached to the door frame. difficult child 3 couldn't fix it himself, and to make him pay for the repairs would have been excessive punishment. So instead, husband fixed the window but made difficult child 3 help him. They took the measurements, they sawed apiece of timber to those measurements, difficult child 3 held it in place while husband fastened it to the window frame. So when difficult child 3 sees that bit of timber, he remembers:
1) he broke the window.
2) he worked with husband and helped fix it.
3) It is not the same as it was, but at least it is functional.
4) When he is older and if it still niggles at him, difficult child 3 can work to replace the bit of wood, with some glass cut to size. Again, husband can help him, or let him do it on his own.
Is your daughter's temper and sleep problem the cause? Who knows? it is possible that going to bed angry, with a history of sleepwalking issues, could be the cause. Or it could be pure spite. Chances are, she regrets it already. Punishment won't increase any regret.
I would drop it for now, but keep an eye open in case she is trying to use her sleepwalking history as a cover for deliberate defiant behaviour. Maybe install a camera? And don't tell her about it.
As for getting her assessed by a sleep disorders clinic, I certainly would if the problem is current (or seemingly current). If the sleepwalking is currently only a cover, then seeing the clinic will be forcing her to confront any deceptive behaviour.
And if she has a genuine problem, then at least you're checking it out.
On this site a lot of us recommend reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I've found it very useful in helping me stay in focus with my ultimate aim - raising my children to be well-mannered, productive, independent, happy members of society. I don't want to squash their self-esteem but neither do I want to be walked over. I allow a certain amount of back-talk because it is freedom of speech. But if they leave logic aside and begin to make personal attacks or use bad language without any logic, the debate is shut off. We stay on topic, we discuss, we sort problems out fairly democratically.
Example: difficult child 3 finds watching stories on TV or film to be confronting. However, he knows we can insist and he will watch, for a little while.
He is hooked on computer games. We couldn't care less. He wanted me to watch a promo video with a new game system. I didn't want to. He said to me, "You make me watch things I don't want to, and I do it because you ask me too. Now it's my turn to ask you. I think it's only fair tat you watch my five minute video."
Some people might view that as rude or cheeky, but he said it calmly, he did not say it in an angry way and the logic was impeccable.
So I watched it. I can't say it enriched my life, but at least I have done it. It was quid pro quo.
I get a lot of cooperation from difficult child 3, because he also knows we give him a lot of leeway. He knows he owes us.
It's important to stay focussed - what is the specific problem REALLY? In other words, what is underlying this? And what is the best way to resolve this problem?
Ini your daughter's situation, the underlying problem seems to be her anger management issues and the possibility she is using excuses to get away with expressing her rage. You don't deal with it by dealing just with the incident. YOu find out why she is angry, how you should have handled it (if your answer here is "the same way" that's OK, you just need to check it over) and how you can handle the anger she still has in order to prevent a recurrence.
Your daughter's anger has something to do with the hall light - she wants it left turned on? If so, why? This is another problem that needs to be resolved from a family point of view. There needs to be consensus, or some way of keeping as many people happy, as possible.
If this is an issue of one girl wanting the light on and the other wanting it off, then you dig - why do they want the light on? Is there another way to solve the problem? Maybe a small bedlamp that can be switched on when needed? A nightlight? A torch? The girl wanting it dark could wear an eye mask to bed perhaps, or there could be some other way to screen her bed from the light. Get them to make suggestions and see if there can be a compromise.
This can be turned from a problem, into a lesson on problem solving and cooperation. By this stage, who is responsible is no longer the main issue. But they can both pitch in and help tidy up the mess.
Marg
