New to asking for help

[nellie]

My daughter is 17, the oldest of 4, hard to really give full story without background....I was 21 when I had her, elated to say the least(first grandchild, of my parents), adored by all...I am the oldest of 5, so aunt and uncles adore her as well. Got pregnant with her sister when she was 2, husband left me early in pregnancy, he never held a job and moved out of state, tried to get custody(thousands in attorney fees), due to my fear of him taking her from me. I have 100% physical/legal custody, dad never called, wrote, or paid child support....until 6 years ago, he would start jobs, then quit jobs after found by child support services(never felt obligated to pay????) I remarried quickly, when she was 4 and sister was 2, an older man, 15 years my senior, I was 23 and he was 39(never married or had children). We then got pregnant with our first child together, our son....then oopsy baby came along 3 years ago. Now for my daughter, she has been ODD since she was honestly 4, progressively became worse at around 11, my husband being older saw things differently than myself, or maybe I just am so overbearing(I don't know). I have always made excuses for her....I tried to give her everything, more than I could afford. Piano lessons, ballet, soccer, softball, a very long stint in Girl Scouts, church...you name it she tried it, jr. lifeguards, vacations, camping....nothing ever made her happy. My daughter was struggling in school, we spent thousands on tutoring programs, had her diagnosed with add....I refused medications until 6th grade....once on medications, she was worse. She accused husband of physically abusing her, at the time I was working for the local PD...so that was lovely, child protective services got involved(found no abuse).....but with them, you never know where you stand....when those allogations didn't get her the results she was after....the next day she went to school and accused him of sexual abuse.....as you can imagine, this took it's toll on our marriage, (again he was cleared of all charges). This caused family issues with my parents, so my daughter went to live with them for about a year(devastated me to no end), I always wanted my babies with me no matter what....this caused a rift in my family!!!! They believed the accusations made against my husband(which infuriated him)....I was working horrible night shift hours at the PD, not seeing much of my kids or husband. I wound up having affair....then became pregnant(I know Jerry Springer), I fell in love with the man and he and I both left our spouses for each other....turned out the baby was my husbands.....hubby begged me to come back, painfully I did. Kids have been through so much, husband throws affair in my face constantly(which I reluctantly came back to him anyway).....In the mean time, daughter accused my father of the same abuse as husband.....which was absolutely untrue(my parents adore her), so after much consideration we sent her to live with biological dad(who had never been in picture), but of course he was going to be the Savior!!!! Remarried, with (4 kids), couldn't take care of his first 2 but went on to have more??? Well her stay there lasted about 3 months, she adores me, but has gone back and forth.....she actually now knows her real father for what he is!!!!! This hasn't changed her behavior at all though, she can't tell the truth to anyone about anything, she had decided to become a lesbian(because real dad and step-mom accepted it), I have grown to be semi-ok with it!!! Daughter just seeks so much attention, at this point I don't know what to do....she is now in psychiatric in-patient treatment for the second time in the last 2 months(which, honestly seems like their theories....are just that) they aren't helping, they are feeding into her lies.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi and welcome to the board, but sorry that you have to be here.

I wanted to check in so you know that we care, but honestly have no really solid advice. She obviously needs a lot of therapy but at her age, you can't force her to go for any help. I am thinking she has some signs of early borderline personality disorder, which I have and have worked for years on to get under control. I don't know if she has it or not, but she sounds like she could. Are any of your other kids in counseling? You may want to get them help so this doesn't happen to them.Is your daughter taking drugs? That's an additional problem that just adds oil to the flames.

Your first husband was not very stable. Part of this is probably hereditary. But how was your pregnancy? You were very young. Did you take good care of yourself while you were pregnant? Does your daughter know your entire story, including the affair? Are YOU in any therapy? If not, I think it would be a very good idea to get involved in therapy so that, even if you can't control your daughter, you can learn to have a happy, more stable life (I had to do this...years of therapy, self-help groups, self-help books, very hard work).

Having been in so much therapy, I can tell you that not one therapist can help your daughter UNLESS SHE WANTS HELP. And with her history of unstable behavior and lying, it will take a big commitment on her part to get better. She has to really want it. Also, I agree with you that some "theories" of psychology are rather useless. I'd say only a few wonderful therapists helped me...most of them were pretty useless to me and had such wacky ideas that I would get frustrated. Since your daughter is seventeen, not much will work if she doesn't want to be agreeable to the treatment (as I've said before). By eighteen, she is a legal adult and you can't force her to do anything.

I would google up borderline personality disorder and see if you think it fits. Again, I am JUST a mom, but I have it. It is a life of chronic chaos for the person and everyone around her and there are varying degrees of it. Sexual abuse is one thing that can cause borderline...wondering if she ever was abused by somebody maybe outside of the family so now she uses it for manipulation?

Wish I could help more and it's so early, maybe I'm just rambling. But borderline jumped out at me at the story. Certainly does not mean I'm right! Hugs and keep us posted. Here is a link about borderline. Maybe you can see parallels, maybe not. I actually have "borderline traits," not the entire disorder and it can be helped A LOT if the person wants help.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms

 

[Bunny]

Hello!! Just something that jumped out at me. You said that you tried medications for adhd when she was in 6th grade, but that made her worse. Did you try a medication change? Who gave her the medications and diagnosed the adhd? Did you take her for therapy at any point?

As Midwest Mom said, at this age, unless she wants to help herself and make the changes that she needs to make, she is not going to do it. What have they said at the in patient treatment? Do they think that adhd is the only thing going on?