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New to board-Daughter ADHD with-ODD???
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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 117675" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>I wanted to write more yesterday but I was on my way out. It would take me quite a while to tell you my story but let me just say that we were at the end of our ropes two years ago also. The chaos that difficult child was causing and had been causing for many years was unbearable. I felt guilt for what I had brought upon our easy child and at times wondering if I made the right decision years ago. That sounds harsh but as I said we had been through so much and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.</p><p> </p><p>It is very important that you have her evaluated by a qualified team of professionals to find out as much as you can about what is going on with her. Keep in mind that at ten the diagnosis is not set in stone and may change over the years. Some medication is probably a definite. I was so against medication until husband and I finally said we need them to give her something to stop some of the chaos. We tried several different medications until we found the combination that worked and even at that we revised and changed doses over the years.</p><p></p><p>Many children who are adopted are dealing with inherited mental disorders. Years ago they didn't give prospective adoptive parents any history on the birth parents. Even though the law requires that now, we as adoptive parents don't recognize the warning signs or in some cases the outright facts and think that our love and nurturing can overcome that. Hence why I suggested you read Identical Stranger. I was one who believed that nurture would overcome any nature, and it just isn't so. I am not finished with the book yet and I have already gained a much better understanding and appreciation for my difficult child.</p><p></p><p>It would be helpful to find a therapist that is experienced in treating adopted children, once you know what is going on chemically or biologically. Your difficult child is dealing with self esteem issues and adoption issues that even she doesn't understand. A therapist who understands this can help your difficult child deal with their anger, which is always misdirected to their adoptive family, mainly the mom.</p><p></p><p>I have had many people tell me along the way that I had to detach. I couldn't do that, I just could never detach from this child that needed help so much, although there did come a point where we seriously considered placing her in an alternative living arrangement for all of our good. We have been through a lot, difficult child ended up in detention for a weekend at age 13. She had a long way to crawl out of the dark hole she dug for herself. She is 16 1/2 now and for whatever reason seems to have finally matured enough to realize what a mess she was making of her life. I won't say everything is perfect, far from it, but from where we started it's a huge improvement. Many of the issues we are dealing with now and typical teen behaviors. She will always struggle with impulse control, low self esteem, risky behaviors, but hopefully she is also learning some skills that will help her function in the world on a much better level. And she really seems to like us now.</p><p></p><p>Don't give up yet. You are just starting the road to getting help. It is a long and often frustrating road, but can be worth it all in the end. I had to keep reminding myself that the purpose of adoption is to give a child a home, not to give a home a child. The ultimate goal is to help that child and you know she has a much better chance with you than if you had not adopted her.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p>Nancy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 117675, member: 59"] I wanted to write more yesterday but I was on my way out. It would take me quite a while to tell you my story but let me just say that we were at the end of our ropes two years ago also. The chaos that difficult child was causing and had been causing for many years was unbearable. I felt guilt for what I had brought upon our easy child and at times wondering if I made the right decision years ago. That sounds harsh but as I said we had been through so much and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It is very important that you have her evaluated by a qualified team of professionals to find out as much as you can about what is going on with her. Keep in mind that at ten the diagnosis is not set in stone and may change over the years. Some medication is probably a definite. I was so against medication until husband and I finally said we need them to give her something to stop some of the chaos. We tried several different medications until we found the combination that worked and even at that we revised and changed doses over the years. Many children who are adopted are dealing with inherited mental disorders. Years ago they didn't give prospective adoptive parents any history on the birth parents. Even though the law requires that now, we as adoptive parents don't recognize the warning signs or in some cases the outright facts and think that our love and nurturing can overcome that. Hence why I suggested you read Identical Stranger. I was one who believed that nurture would overcome any nature, and it just isn't so. I am not finished with the book yet and I have already gained a much better understanding and appreciation for my difficult child. It would be helpful to find a therapist that is experienced in treating adopted children, once you know what is going on chemically or biologically. Your difficult child is dealing with self esteem issues and adoption issues that even she doesn't understand. A therapist who understands this can help your difficult child deal with their anger, which is always misdirected to their adoptive family, mainly the mom. I have had many people tell me along the way that I had to detach. I couldn't do that, I just could never detach from this child that needed help so much, although there did come a point where we seriously considered placing her in an alternative living arrangement for all of our good. We have been through a lot, difficult child ended up in detention for a weekend at age 13. She had a long way to crawl out of the dark hole she dug for herself. She is 16 1/2 now and for whatever reason seems to have finally matured enough to realize what a mess she was making of her life. I won't say everything is perfect, far from it, but from where we started it's a huge improvement. Many of the issues we are dealing with now and typical teen behaviors. She will always struggle with impulse control, low self esteem, risky behaviors, but hopefully she is also learning some skills that will help her function in the world on a much better level. And she really seems to like us now. Don't give up yet. You are just starting the road to getting help. It is a long and often frustrating road, but can be worth it all in the end. I had to keep reminding myself that the purpose of adoption is to give a child a home, not to give a home a child. The ultimate goal is to help that child and you know she has a much better chance with you than if you had not adopted her. Hugs, Nancy [/QUOTE]
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