new to board

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sue frazier, Mar 3, 2014.

  1. sue frazier

    sue frazier New Member

    Hi all! Thank you for this wonderful forum. I have a 20 year old son who has NPD. He was diagnosis with bipolar at age 13 and spent nearly a year in psychiatric facility. NPD was eventually added to his diagnosis. Our relationship has been awful and I kicked him out of our home 3 years ago. He has since left the state, been arrested 5 times, has had brief contact with us maybe 3 to 4 times which was when he needed something. He fathered one child and his girlfriend are pregnant again. Last week she contacted me via fb to apologize (we have never gotten along) and said she understood now what I was trying to tell her about my son and his history. Seems he has b3n becoming more aggressive and she was arrested 2 weeks ago for dv against him. I cannot believe anything either of them say. I am pretty sure her contacting me was in an effort to get some leverage or info from me against him. How do I detach from their destructive behaviors and still make sure their daughter is safe? This is a mes. I hav2 prayed about what to do and I feel guilty not doing anything. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board.

    I am assuming both of them are over eighteen.

    Sadly, there is nothing you can do about either of them. If you feel grandbaby is in danger you can call CPS, no guarantees there. But it's up to the woman to walk away. As for your son, he is out of your control. Personality disordered individuals rarely seek help nor do they believe they are ever wrong. I would not talk to the girlfriend...I'd stay out of their fighting completely. There is no reason for you to tear out your heart by getting pulled into that degree of drama. You can't stop it. Why not suggest she go to therapy, then disconnect from her. When you see her calling you, let it go to voicemail. I assume she knows about shelters for the domestically abused?

    Sounds like girlfriend is trying to get something from you, as you have said.

    Do not feel guilty about not doing anything. Unless you want to legally fight for custody of your grandhilcren, and sadly that is a long shot even though both are losers, there is nothing you CAN do. What do you feel guilty about not doing? Not making your son act right to her? You can't control him. Not let her live with you? That may bring danger on YOU. YOU count too and you must be safe.And I wouldn't send them money, if she is trying to work up the nerve to ask you for some. Are either of them working? If not, that's something one of them has to do, even if it's at McDonalds. Whether or not one of them WILL work is again not within your control.

    Do you have a therapist yourself? Is your son a drug user? If so have you gone to a Nar-Anon meeting or have you contacted NAMI for classes on parents of disturbed adult children? The best thing you can do is to be the best YOU you can be so that your loved ones who treat you well can enjoy you and so that you can enjoy life in spite of this struggling couple.

    There is an excellent article on detachment up above. I would definitely give it a read. So sorry your mommy heart is hurt, but glad you found us. I think you will find out we are a caring bunch who are full of wisdom. I learn a lot here. I have my own struggles with a grown child.

    Gentle hugs.
  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    I am sorry you are in this position. MWM gave you really good advice and some stuff to reflect on...I agree that there is not much you can do to affect their behavior. I don't have any experience with child protection services, but it does seem like that would be your a thing to think about or look into if you think the baby is in danger.

    I am sorry they have engaged you and upset you this way. It is good they are far away. I"m not sure she asked you for anything...but it is good to be alert about potential manipulation. Try to just let it go. You don't have to answer when they can always go to voicemail, or you can answer if that is what feels right. You are in control of the degree of contact...judging from how much the contact upset you, you may want to use voicemail for a bit.

    Try to do things to strengthen yourself. Al anon or another group of parents, a nice walk outside, coffee with a friend, an exercise class...a glass of wine and a bath. Take care of yourself and build up your resources, your sense of self. That is really the best thing you can do for everyone involved.

  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Sue, if you are using your real name, you might want to change your screen name to something anonymous.

    Welcome to the site.


  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi and I am sorry you are in this situation and your son has these diagnoses. Just work on yourself and try to do things every day to move your thinking to a new place about this entire situation. You will see many tools you can use to do that on these threads and on this site, including writing a gratitude list every day (sounds too simple but it works), going to Al-Anon/or other 12-step meetings, getting a sponsor there, reading the literature, therapy for you, books like Boundaries and Codependent No More, exercise, doing kind things for yourself, meditation, etc.

    Every single one of those things---if you do them---will help you and little by little you will start to see yourself gain a new attitude and a new perspective.

    It won't happen automatically and if you don't do anything different, you will keep on thinking and feeling and doing the same things.

    Feel your feelings, whatever they are. Don't try to put them in a box and deny them. Cry, rage, be deeply sad, sleep, stare, do whatever you have to do about your feelings, which you have a right to and they are valid.

    The key is not what you are feeling, but what you do about what you are feeling

    I work hard not to do ANYTHING when I am feeling the above, but to let some time pass and then decide when my mind is clearer.

    Just reading this site will help you a lot. Please know we understand your deep pain and sadness and reflections about the past.

    But you only have today. What will you do with it? What will I do with it? That is worthy of our focus today.
  6. Sue, I don't have any sound advice but just wanted to welcome you to the board. You have gotten good advice from the other moms before me and they been there and experienced what you are gong through now. My son like your son has been in jail and in fact is there right now. The biggest thing I have had to fight and are still fighting is guilt so know that I know how you feel.