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New to forum - 2 addicted adult kids
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 712188" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You are doing so well! Now its time to take care of YOU.</p><p></p><p>I think its better not to ask how they are doing partly because drug addicts dont tell the truth. Its part of the illness. They want you to pity them so you will still give them money snd more, most of which is used on drugs. Drigs make one not hungry. They are not starving. Most drug addicts look like twigs. They use instead of eat. But the sneakiest of our adult offspring know exactly how to elicit guilt from us and being hungry can get them money for drugs. You dont like to think of your adult son eating in a shelter? He chose this. He has nothing? Well, gee, most who use drugs and dont work have nothing. He knows this and chooses this. What does he expect? A car to drive intoxicated in and maybe kill himself or somebody else? An apartment on your dime? If he is using drugs he will party there and destroy it and get thrown out and, unless you are very rich, you go broke taking this adult and treating him as though he cant get clean and do what is right. It sends a message. "You cant do it. You need mommy to help."</p><p></p><p>As an alternative here us a possible conversation you can have:</p><p></p><p>Him: im homeless. The shelters suck and I have to stay in the library to be comfortsble.cant you rent me simething? I havent slept for days! ( THESE COULD WELL BE SYMPATHY LIES)</p><p></p><p>You: (less is more with these adults) you are smart and capable and I know you can figure it out.</p><p></p><p>Him: bleep! Youre the worse mother ever. You turned your back on me.</p><p></p><p>You; i see you are upset. I am getting off now and will talk to you when you calm down in a few days. Bye. Love you. (Get off and dont further engage)</p><p></p><p>Do similar in texting.</p><p></p><p>My daughter would never have quit if she had had me and her dad, my ex, paying for her comfort. She told us so.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is something i drum home to parents. I have been on this forum for 15 years and some adults quit using. It is ALWAYS after we stop our material involvement in their lives. They dont quit on our dimes and while we are too involved in what they do, which we cant really know anyway. Our rent doesnt help them. Our food doesnt help them. A car? A way for them to die and kill others. Hard living for these ADULTS is far more effective.</p><p></p><p>Your adult off spring could have joined the military, worked full time, had a family, been thriving by now as most their ages are. They chose to be adult drug addicts and others see them as adults who chose addiction over normal life. I assume they are able bodied. Well? They could chose to quit and work. They are less apt to as long as you make sure they have the basics. Its easier if you drive to give them clothes than if they walk to the Salvation Army for clean clothes. Why make it easy? A good walk is healthy. They are no longer little boys and are still young enough where rain and snow wont hurt them.if they feel they can survive heroin, they certainly can survive a healthy walk even in the cold.</p><p></p><p>Stop seeing them as little. They are tall with lower voices and the men have facial hair. Take down any pictures of little Joe when he wa a smiley ten year old. He is no longer close to being that little boy. See him as he is today. How he was doesnt matter in the present. Thinking about his nasty life doesnt help you or him. If you suffer it doesnt make him better.</p><p></p><p>You do not need to suffer or to even read their pathetic, pleading text messages. You can chose to detach. Detaching means you still love them, but let go of their drama and choices. If you have A God, give your adult offspring to God. Pray. Thats all you can do</p><p></p><p>Get that therapist sooner rather than later. You deserve wondeeful golden years. Most adult children start to worry about their parents as they age. 6o year olds dont normally still worry about 30, 40 year old middle aged adults. But the adults who bring us here are selfish</p><p></p><p>Drug users have no room for love or empathy for us.its buried behind the disease. They care about making sure they have their drug, even if they must sell drugs themselves, steal precious heirlooms from us or sometines even mug other people. This is not who they were pre-drugs, but drug changes the brain. This is your adult offspring on drugs. I urge you to learn to detach, not stop loving, but to detach from their messes. And learn to say no to them and yes to yourself. Let their choices and problems go like a hot air balloon. Let go. Buy a balloon and symolically let go of the string and watch it disappear.</p><p></p><p>Absolutely take vscations. You dont help be adults by not having fun. You do not have to be misersble because they wont grow up and get clean. You are not them. They are not you. You have different paths.</p><p></p><p>Many blessings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 712188, member: 1550"] You are doing so well! Now its time to take care of YOU. I think its better not to ask how they are doing partly because drug addicts dont tell the truth. Its part of the illness. They want you to pity them so you will still give them money snd more, most of which is used on drugs. Drigs make one not hungry. They are not starving. Most drug addicts look like twigs. They use instead of eat. But the sneakiest of our adult offspring know exactly how to elicit guilt from us and being hungry can get them money for drugs. You dont like to think of your adult son eating in a shelter? He chose this. He has nothing? Well, gee, most who use drugs and dont work have nothing. He knows this and chooses this. What does he expect? A car to drive intoxicated in and maybe kill himself or somebody else? An apartment on your dime? If he is using drugs he will party there and destroy it and get thrown out and, unless you are very rich, you go broke taking this adult and treating him as though he cant get clean and do what is right. It sends a message. "You cant do it. You need mommy to help." As an alternative here us a possible conversation you can have: Him: im homeless. The shelters suck and I have to stay in the library to be comfortsble.cant you rent me simething? I havent slept for days! ( THESE COULD WELL BE SYMPATHY LIES) You: (less is more with these adults) you are smart and capable and I know you can figure it out. Him: bleep! Youre the worse mother ever. You turned your back on me. You; i see you are upset. I am getting off now and will talk to you when you calm down in a few days. Bye. Love you. (Get off and dont further engage) Do similar in texting. My daughter would never have quit if she had had me and her dad, my ex, paying for her comfort. She told us so. This is something i drum home to parents. I have been on this forum for 15 years and some adults quit using. It is ALWAYS after we stop our material involvement in their lives. They dont quit on our dimes and while we are too involved in what they do, which we cant really know anyway. Our rent doesnt help them. Our food doesnt help them. A car? A way for them to die and kill others. Hard living for these ADULTS is far more effective. Your adult off spring could have joined the military, worked full time, had a family, been thriving by now as most their ages are. They chose to be adult drug addicts and others see them as adults who chose addiction over normal life. I assume they are able bodied. Well? They could chose to quit and work. They are less apt to as long as you make sure they have the basics. Its easier if you drive to give them clothes than if they walk to the Salvation Army for clean clothes. Why make it easy? A good walk is healthy. They are no longer little boys and are still young enough where rain and snow wont hurt them.if they feel they can survive heroin, they certainly can survive a healthy walk even in the cold. Stop seeing them as little. They are tall with lower voices and the men have facial hair. Take down any pictures of little Joe when he wa a smiley ten year old. He is no longer close to being that little boy. See him as he is today. How he was doesnt matter in the present. Thinking about his nasty life doesnt help you or him. If you suffer it doesnt make him better. You do not need to suffer or to even read their pathetic, pleading text messages. You can chose to detach. Detaching means you still love them, but let go of their drama and choices. If you have A God, give your adult offspring to God. Pray. Thats all you can do Get that therapist sooner rather than later. You deserve wondeeful golden years. Most adult children start to worry about their parents as they age. 6o year olds dont normally still worry about 30, 40 year old middle aged adults. But the adults who bring us here are selfish Drug users have no room for love or empathy for us.its buried behind the disease. They care about making sure they have their drug, even if they must sell drugs themselves, steal precious heirlooms from us or sometines even mug other people. This is not who they were pre-drugs, but drug changes the brain. This is your adult offspring on drugs. I urge you to learn to detach, not stop loving, but to detach from their messes. And learn to say no to them and yes to yourself. Let their choices and problems go like a hot air balloon. Let go. Buy a balloon and symolically let go of the string and watch it disappear. Absolutely take vscations. You dont help be adults by not having fun. You do not have to be misersble because they wont grow up and get clean. You are not them. They are not you. You have different paths. Many blessings. [/QUOTE]
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