New to Forum - 5 year old out of control

[kmb2004]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum but not new to the behaviour. My step daughter (who has been with my husband since she was 2, and been with me since she was 3) has always had a temper.

As a baby she was very fussy and constantly wanted attention and has never outgrown it. She cannot play independently, she cannot keep herself busy, she is constantly following us around demanding our attention. If she can't have it at that moment she often melts down. You can spend the entire day with her playing but if you have to answer a phone she won't leave you be to talk for 5 minutes.

For years she use to pee herself if you couldn't give her attention, she did this at home, daycare and with anyone else.

We've been bringing her to a pediatrician for a year to figure out what to do with her. Reward systems never worked, time outs haven't worked (we've been doing them for nearly 3 years), yes we've even tried spanking, but nothing works.

She yells at us, threatnes us, throws things, tries to aggitate us, tries to egg us on saying things like "I will only be good if you take me to a store right now" or "if you don't take me to the park I will break all your stuff."

Her pediatrician said she thinks she has ODD, and that we should ignore this behaviour. It's only getting worse. The other day, we had a 3 hour temper tantrum over everything. The only excuse she could come up with is that she was acting that way because she was bored and everything was boring.

I'm at a loss. I don't even want to play with her anymore, half the time I dread spending time with her because we have daily battles. I'm 8 months pregnant and scared to bring her out because when she doesn't want to listen she runs away, and I can't keep up with her. I don't want her around other kids because she bosses them around and I constantly have to intervene because she's angry no one will let her boss them around.

Any advice?

 

[SRL]

Hi, and welcome to our forum.

Outside of the noncompliant behavior are you seeing anything unusual/quirky or in her development or behaviors?
Any speech delays?
Is she getting along with other kids in any setting?
Are her interests typical of other girls her age?
Is she really fussy about clothing or food?
How are her sleep patterns?

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.

Where do you live? In the US a pediatrician would not be the one treating or testing or discussing what is wrong with a child who acts out. And he would likely be testing extensively by a neuropsychologist and helped at school as well. ODD kind of means he's defiant. But you know that. Figuring out what is causing the defiance is harder, but it is usually caused by a bigger disorder, such as an emergent mood disorder or a form of autistic spectrum disorder.

However, I've found that every country is very different and that in some countries kids are not diagnosed too much. Are you from the UK?

 

[kmb2004]

She has above average intelligence, she was later to talk (around 2 years) but is now very articulate for her age. She is in French Immersion, Senior kindergarden, and is excelling in both english and french.

With other kids she is incredibly bossy, not even a leader, just bossy. A lot of "you go here and do this" and she has a meltdown if someone won't. I will say alot of the time kids will listen to her though because of the age.

It's hard to say if her interests are typical of kids her age, she likes barbies and dolls, but will rarely play with them if there isn't anyone to play with her at the moment. She isn't a picky eater but will often use food as a control tactic, not eating just because she has to... When she was younger she would throw it on the ground, say it was dirty then whine she was hungry.

She often argues over going to bed at night, and it took a long time to keep her there, but she still requires a full night sleep, going to bed at 730 to wake up at 7 am for school.

ANd finally, I'm from Northern Ontario, Canada. We do work differently here. The pediatrician has to refer you to someone, like a psychiatrist making sure that its not just normal stuff. We had to see her for a year and give her updates on behaviours. It's the way our system works.

 

[keanablue]

Hi. I just found your discussion and was wondering if you found any answers or help. I have a 5 year old daughter who sounds very similar to yours.

 

[kmb2004]

No we haven't gotten any answers. We tried ignoring the behaviour like everyone says to do. That doesnt work at all with her. She will continue for hours. We send her to her room until she is calm, often she doesn't want to stay though.

 

[keanablue]

Time outs don't work for my daughter either. Is your daughter a perfectionist by chance? i have one book that I have been reading that is now giving me a little clue as to who my daughter might be and how to help her (and me!). It is called Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It might help you too.