New to forum - concerned about 25 year old son

[michelle_d]

Well , hello everyone and I am new to this site. I am here because I have a son that is 25 yrs. old and has always been a very good person. He has always worked and taken care of his responsibilities and I do mean always. 6 years ago he met this girl and ended up getting her pregnant and his life became very bright for him they were meant for each other. Before the baby was born he had money in the bank and everything they would need for the baby. They took vacations, and just lived the life alot of people wish they could live. The baby, ( a boy ) was spoiled beyond belief. My son is a very good dad, he plays with his son, takes him places and is a very big part of his sons life. well 2 years ago his wife talked him to moving away , closer to her family and to do the right thing by his family they moved. Well a few months ago my husband , who my son is very close to , got sick and was in the hospital so my son flew in to be with him. About 30 minutes after he got here he called to let his wife know he made it ok and she informed him she was leaving him for a woman. My son flipped out. I could not help him or take his pain away. He was devastated. Well he is now drinking so much that I know it is killing him. He blacks out and goes into rages and tears things up and hurts his self. I dont know what to do , I can not afford rehab and he would not go anyway. I need to know how to get a judge to order him into rehab. He says he can not live without his son, he dont want to, they were best friends. He lost everything he built with this girl. He worked not her, he has been reduced to 2 bags of clothes. We have a big, very close family, but it is to the point everyone is afraid to be around him. I talked to him yesterday and he told me " mom I know what I am doing and I am sorry I am hurting everyone, I am just waiting for the morning I dont wake up" OMG I was devastated. My son is a good person with a good heart, what do I do for him.I do not condone, or finance his drinking or anything else he might be doing. I do not baby him, but my heart is breaking for him and I am so afraid I am going to lose him. He dont eat and wakes up drinking , after he throws up . He shakes when he does not have alcohol in his system , he is in self destruct mode. What do I do??? Someone please tell me something I can do. The family is there for him but at a distance because of his anger and blackouts. The support system is there , we all have confidence in him and know what he is capable of we just dont know how to get him there. I want to chain him to a bed, and hold him captive and be there for him thru detox but I am pretty sure thats against the law. I pray for him constantly, and worry about him every minute of everyday . I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY SON!!!! thanks for listening, any advice would be appreciated!!! Oh and I have called the cops and had him picked up twice already they let him out the next day even tho he goes in on suicide watch. Recently he wrecked his car driving drunk, thank God he did not hurt anyone and he was not hurt, but there were no other cars involved and cops were not called. So thats where I am with that story and its only getting worse. Please help if possible. thanks again

 

[Nancy]

Michelle,

I am going to have your post broken off this very old thread and put by itself so you get replies.

Please edit your name to take out your last name, we try to preserve everyone's privacy. Also perhaps change the type color, red is hard to read for some and I want to make sure we can all give you the support you need.

Nancy

 

[Zardo]

My son is 16 and we tried a 3 month Wilderness program and later on an intensive outpatient program. Both were usefull. the wilderness program "stopped the madness" and took his rage away. Although not "fixed" his use dramatically cut down and he began to see that HE was causing his own problems. He came home no longer angry. Later, after a relapse, we found the IOP and he himself reports it as the most meaningful experience he has had. He is much more in control of his own life now and working at recovery. Only done for 2 months, we'll see from here. My main point is that I think an outpatient program near your home can be very useful, as long as their behavior at home is within the range of acceptable. It lets them work through things in their home environment so that they learn how to be better in their real life. I am not suprised that he went in skeptical and came out willing. The people in these programs can reach our kids in a non-judging way. I hope that this is the beginning of your son exploring his own issues and learning how to live well. Don't expect a complete fix the first time. We have had multiple interventions in this 2 year period, but we keep working with my son as long as he is willing and trying. I do think that unwilling kids can still get help though through Wilderness Rehab...again, not a miracle fix, but I have SEEN it reach the unreachable and begin a process toward recovery, even if it's not perfect. I do agree with others though that IF he does not respond and you continue to feel like a victim in your own home, it is time for him to leave, either on his own at your request or by you getting support through the courts. Many on this board have found that their kids did not respond until they struggled on their own. Good luck.

 

[michelle_d]

Thank you so much, but because I am new to this I am unsure how to edit my name or change font color , in the future I will use just black, thank you again.

 

[rejectedmom]

Michelle, first off lt me say welcome to the board. I am sorry you hve the need for us but glad you found us. This is a wonderful place for support and advice. I hope you find it a very soft place to land.

He blacks out and goes into rages and tears things up and hurts his self. I dont know what to do , I can not afford rehab and he would not go anyway. I need to know how to get a judge to order him into rehab. He says he can not live without his son, he dont want to, they were best friends. He lost everything he built with this girl. He worked not her, he has been reduced to 2 bags of clothes. We have a big, very close family, but it is to the point everyone is afraid to be around him. I talked to him yesterday and he told me " mom I know what I am doing and I am sorry I am hurting everyone, I am just waiting for the morning I dont wake up"

Your son is refusing to get help but he definately NEEDS help. He is deeply depressed and excessively drinking to kill the pain. I can hear your panic and pain.

my heart is breaking for him and I am so afraid I am going to lose him. He dont eat and wakes up drinking , after he throws up . He shakes when he does not have alcohol in his system , he is in self destruct mode. What do I do??? Someone please tell me something I can do.

Next time he passes out call cops tell them you want them to take him to the ER. Tell them that he is trying to kill himself and that you do not know what else he might have taken with the alcohol. You go to the hospital also, if possible, and tell the doctor in attendance that your son is very depressed and is trying to kill himself. The doctors can listen to you even if they cannot talk to you about your son without his permission. Hopefully the doctors will be able to get him plugged into services. However, there is a good possibility that your son will refuse help once he sobers up. If so the next time he passes out do the same thing. After a couple of times if he still refuses to take the help offered then tell him he can no longer live in your house.

I want to chain him to a bed, and hold him captive and be there for him thru detox but I am pretty sure thats against the law.

It is also very very dangerous. Detoxing from alcohol should always be done in a supervised medical situation. The person could die from withdrawal symptoms.

I do not know how he is getting money for the alcohol. If he doesn't have a job then someone is giving him money (possibly for other things) that he is using for alcohol instead. I know this is a nightmare for you. I know you are in a panic. I know you are scared. Many of us have been in the exact same place as you. We do understand and we know how dificult it is to get someone who is resisting to accept that they need help.

The family is there for him but at a distance because of his anger and blackouts. The support system is there , we all have confidence in him and know what he is capable of we just dont know how to get him there.

Another route you could try is an intervention with a trained counsilor. but that will take money and cooperation of other family members and friends and also your son.

 

[DDD]

Welcome. I'm "thinking" about your family problem before I reply to your post. That's unusual for me, lol, as I usually just dive right in.

Off the top of my head it seems like alcohol may not be the problem but the means he is using to blockout his shock and pain. Did he drink at all before this crisis? Regarding his son I am wondering if he has analyzed his options for being reunited with him?

I'll check in later. Sending understand hugs your way. DDD

 

[Signorina]

Hi Michelle. I am struggling with how to help my own adult son who refuses help too.

Your son is dealing with a lot. I guess my primary question is - where is HIS son in all of this? Has he spoken to a lawyer regarding custody and divorce? He shouldn't have his whole life reduced to 2 bags of clothing because his wife decided she didn't want him. He has rights - including rights to their joint possessions and to be a father full time) to his son. He also needs to make sure he has protected himself legally and financially in the separation and divorce. I think I would start by talking to a lawyer - even informally - and then I would sit down and tell him he needs to fight for himself and for his beautiful boy. And he has to start by not drinking.

But that's all I have and I know it's so much easier said than done. But he certainly has reason for going off the edge - and he has an even better reason for getting his act together - his son. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please lean on us and welcome to the board.

 

[BusynMember]

I was going to ask about custody too. His ex can't keep his son from him.

On the other hand, as to his addiction, if he shakes or trembles when he doesn't drink, he is an alcoholic. Hub and I had a friend who did that. I am thinking that he was always one who drank, but kicked it up big time after the tragic news about his wife. So what can you do?

Take care of yourself and get support because you can't force a 25 year old to get help. If he breaks the law, a judge may mandate he go to rehab, but you can't make him at his age. in my opinion you should start going to a lot of Al-Anon meetings. Those are real time parents giving you face time support and suggestions. As nice as we try to be, we aren't able to hold your hand, give you a hug, or have a give-and-take conversation with you. You are no t good for your son or anybody else you love if you don't take good care of yourself.

Many alcoholics decide to stop drinking, often after they hit rock bottom. Your son can make that decision as well, but it has to be his own decision or it won't work.

Hugs...wish I had a better answer.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Michelle,

I'm new here too. There are a lot of really great people who have been there, done that. Many have replied to this thread. I cannot think of anything else to add but wanted you to know I was sending you good thoughts.

 

[Nancy]

Michelle,

What a tragedy. It does nto sound to me like your son has an addiction problem but rather he is in shock and grief over losing his family. Also this just happened a few months ago and as you say previously he had no problems. I have personal experience with what he is going through because my sister in law's husband announced he was leaving her and their two children one day for another man. Her shock and pain were unbearable. She couldn't understand on any level. She had horrible feelings of inadequency, what was wrong with her to make her husband turn this way, etc. It took her a long time in therapy to come to terms with this. They now have a very good relatuonship and share parenting of the children. She is happily remarried. It does get better.

Your son is dealing with a very difficult problem and who can blame him for being in shock and not know how to deal with it. The problem is getting him help to work through the fact that this has nothign to do with him and everything to do with his wife. Is there anyone close to your son that he respects and that may be able to convince him to go for counseling? There are therapists that specialize in gay/lesbian issues. He is trying to stop the pain he is in with alcohol and it's just causing him more pain.

I hope that someone can get through to him and he gets help and realizes he can get through this.

Nancy

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi...welcome.

I agree with Nancy that I have a feeling that if he didnt have a drinking issue before this whole fiasco with his wife blew up in his face that he most likely will not have long term effects from this. He is suffering horribly from the ultimate betrayal from his wife. He needs counseling and now. He also needs to get into a lawyer to see about his rights as to his son and any marital property. Personally, with the way his wife handled this, I would want to see your son clean and healthy and go for full custody. Just my opinion. Sounds like he was an excellent father. Boys need good dads. Maybe thinking that he can at least get his boy back some of the time will lift him out of his depression so he will get his will back.