New to group...defiant 3 1/2 year old!

[IRGrannyGoo]

Hi. I came across this group when I was looking for answers to my 3 1/2 year olds behavior. My husband and I got custody of him at 2 (the day before we got married) and just gained permanent guardianship. Mom is very much in his life, although in jail right now. We have recently been seeing some very defiant behavior, "I don't like you", bad words just for shock value, tantrums if there is a change of routine or if we leave him with sitters. Poor little guy has been through so much, and I understand his issues with abandonment, but because of his mom's drug use (meth) I wonder if we're starting to see behavior problems? Or is this normal at this age? He's extremely smart and advanced, a very loving child when he's not having a "melt down". Any thoughts?

 

[Malika]

One of the difficulties with assessing 3 year olds is of course that ALL or certainly most 2 and 3 year olds have tantrums, etc, Also your boy's difficult past has to play its part, If the behaviour remains or gets worse over time despite consistent discipline, stability and lots of affection, I would think that indicates something more

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.
This child has had a very chaotic early life. Was he exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero? If so, that will cause behavioral problems as does heredity. Has the little guy ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist to see if he is behaving perhaps like a child who was exposed to drugs before birth? Almost all drug exposed/alcohol exposed children have reduced capacity to control themselves and tend to have behavioral problems or childhood disorders. Alcohol is horrible too. I adopted a child who had cocaine in his system at birth, so he was also exposed to alcohol (she didn't say "no" to drinking if she did cocaine). He is on the autism spectrum. When he was your osn's age, he was very volatile and hyperactive (although also seemed quite smart). Since none of my four other kids were like him, it was a learning experience. I was not used to defiance from a two year old!!!

Also, sounds like his first two years were very unstable. How long have you known him? Have you had an ongoing relationship with him? And he still has to see his mother in jail. Does she have a psychiatric diagnosis?

Are you in any form of counseling yourselves? That could help the two of you get a plan on how to deal with him while you travel the road of trying to bring him to his highest potential.