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New to Group - Kicked out our 19 year old son (only child) today
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 557173" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi BKS, you pose a good question, perhaps the $64,000 question.......for me, I have one of the oldest difficult child's here, she will be 40 in December........I have asked myself that question for a long time. Of course, my difficult child, as many of our kids, has mental issues, so any expectations I've had for a "normal" relationship have been abandoned. </p><p></p><p>I think that one of the components of detachment, for me, was to let most if not all of my parental expectations go, all the things we hope for our kids, we dream for them, the regular kind of normal trajectory of events that you expect as a parent slowly become recognized as impossible, improbable and inconceivable. That's a tough nut to get through, OUR hopes for our kids. However, for me, once I maneuvered my way through that mine field and erased my own expectations of my daughter and how she should be, then it was as if the slate were wiped clean. Without my expectations of what she should or could be and what we should and could be, we're both free to show up in a different way. The jury's not out yet with my difficult child, we're in the space between where the old way has ended, but the new, if if comes at all, is not here yet. </p><p></p><p>You're in the throes of a very difficult transition for both you and your husband and your difficult child who has only been "out there" for 3 days, so he will likely pull out all the stops now to get back to the way it was. There's a lot to learn on this crazy path we're all on. It is <strong>very</strong> "dispiriting," (great way to say it), I know. It's good for you to write your heartache here where we get it, it's also good for you to keep attending your groups. I've been in a therapist lead support group for Codependency for almost a year, I knew when it all hit the fan I was going to need a lot of support to STOP enabling her and all the support helped so much. Remember your own comment about it being surreal and being in an altered universe because you are and the old rules don't apply, normal is not normal, you'll be finding your own new normal now. Yikes, it's hard, but just put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that and you'll get through. You will have to hold tight to your boundaries about love and trust and he may or may not end up defining those terms the same way you do. He is still only 19, he still has a lot of growing up to do, there is still hope. on the other hand, you may have to accept that your relationship with him will not look anything like you expected. Hang in there and keep posting. Caring hugs coming your way.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 557173, member: 13542"] Hi BKS, you pose a good question, perhaps the $64,000 question.......for me, I have one of the oldest difficult child's here, she will be 40 in December........I have asked myself that question for a long time. Of course, my difficult child, as many of our kids, has mental issues, so any expectations I've had for a "normal" relationship have been abandoned. I think that one of the components of detachment, for me, was to let most if not all of my parental expectations go, all the things we hope for our kids, we dream for them, the regular kind of normal trajectory of events that you expect as a parent slowly become recognized as impossible, improbable and inconceivable. That's a tough nut to get through, OUR hopes for our kids. However, for me, once I maneuvered my way through that mine field and erased my own expectations of my daughter and how she should be, then it was as if the slate were wiped clean. Without my expectations of what she should or could be and what we should and could be, we're both free to show up in a different way. The jury's not out yet with my difficult child, we're in the space between where the old way has ended, but the new, if if comes at all, is not here yet. You're in the throes of a very difficult transition for both you and your husband and your difficult child who has only been "out there" for 3 days, so he will likely pull out all the stops now to get back to the way it was. There's a lot to learn on this crazy path we're all on. It is [B]very[/B] "dispiriting," (great way to say it), I know. It's good for you to write your heartache here where we get it, it's also good for you to keep attending your groups. I've been in a therapist lead support group for Codependency for almost a year, I knew when it all hit the fan I was going to need a lot of support to STOP enabling her and all the support helped so much. Remember your own comment about it being surreal and being in an altered universe because you are and the old rules don't apply, normal is not normal, you'll be finding your own new normal now. Yikes, it's hard, but just put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that and you'll get through. You will have to hold tight to your boundaries about love and trust and he may or may not end up defining those terms the same way you do. He is still only 19, he still has a lot of growing up to do, there is still hope. on the other hand, you may have to accept that your relationship with him will not look anything like you expected. Hang in there and keep posting. Caring hugs coming your way............. [/QUOTE]
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