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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 429552" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>At 12 he is not necessarily set in his ways but the inconsistencies in parenting are setting you up for failure.</p><p></p><p>It won't be easy, and in the long run you might be better of leaving, it might be the easier way out. But this could set up a bad pattern for your partner, always going from one relationship to the next and having her new partner leave, taking the child(ren) and then ongoing access/custody fights.</p><p></p><p>As a step parent, it is a lot more difficult. This is not your child, you need to let his parents be the authority figures. But you also have the right to your rules being followed in your space. However, you need to have consequences you can actually implement, and this is where once again it clashes with parenting. </p><p></p><p>It is also a lot more difficult for a bloke. It's not fair, but it's human nature. Men are expected to be (and expect to be) the ones in charge, the authority figures in their own homers. But for some kids, this makes them worse - direct, strong authority can become conflict with no purpose.</p><p></p><p>We do recommend a book here (hey, we recommend a lot of books here!) called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. On first reading, this book looks weak and permissive, but it is a different way of approaching a kid like this, a kid for whom the strict authoritarian approach just is no working (for whatever reason). Using these methods are within your capability as a step-parent, but it will take a lot of patience on your part, and biting back your words when you want to snap at him. I don't know if this will work, but I don't know what else will. And if this DOES begin to work, it has the interesting side-effect of also making any inconsistent discipline (or over strict discipline) produce WORSE results. The person who uses these good methods quickly becomes identified in the child's eyes as a supporter instead of an obstacle. Anyone who is not on board then can incur more hostility. Over time, the kid generally learns to understand that people have a range of different responses to them, and to accept that range. But until then, the facilitator parent gets the kudos and the kid tends to improve for them first.</p><p></p><p>If you don't think you can handle this or keep it up, then for the sake of your daughter, I think you should walk away. But these methods will also work for her, you can adapt discipline methods to allow her some level of self-determination, even at her age.</p><p></p><p>It is very individual - also a good thing. Kids need to see that rules will be different from one person to another.</p><p></p><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 429552, member: 1991"] At 12 he is not necessarily set in his ways but the inconsistencies in parenting are setting you up for failure. It won't be easy, and in the long run you might be better of leaving, it might be the easier way out. But this could set up a bad pattern for your partner, always going from one relationship to the next and having her new partner leave, taking the child(ren) and then ongoing access/custody fights. As a step parent, it is a lot more difficult. This is not your child, you need to let his parents be the authority figures. But you also have the right to your rules being followed in your space. However, you need to have consequences you can actually implement, and this is where once again it clashes with parenting. It is also a lot more difficult for a bloke. It's not fair, but it's human nature. Men are expected to be (and expect to be) the ones in charge, the authority figures in their own homers. But for some kids, this makes them worse - direct, strong authority can become conflict with no purpose. We do recommend a book here (hey, we recommend a lot of books here!) called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. On first reading, this book looks weak and permissive, but it is a different way of approaching a kid like this, a kid for whom the strict authoritarian approach just is no working (for whatever reason). Using these methods are within your capability as a step-parent, but it will take a lot of patience on your part, and biting back your words when you want to snap at him. I don't know if this will work, but I don't know what else will. And if this DOES begin to work, it has the interesting side-effect of also making any inconsistent discipline (or over strict discipline) produce WORSE results. The person who uses these good methods quickly becomes identified in the child's eyes as a supporter instead of an obstacle. Anyone who is not on board then can incur more hostility. Over time, the kid generally learns to understand that people have a range of different responses to them, and to accept that range. But until then, the facilitator parent gets the kudos and the kid tends to improve for them first. If you don't think you can handle this or keep it up, then for the sake of your daughter, I think you should walk away. But these methods will also work for her, you can adapt discipline methods to allow her some level of self-determination, even at her age. It is very individual - also a good thing. Kids need to see that rules will be different from one person to another. Welcome. Marg [/QUOTE]
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