I'm amazed! All these posts so far, and nobody yet has mentioned "The Explosive Child"!
Seriously, welcome and get the book. It's darn good. If you want a fast preview, go look at the discussion on Early Childhood forum. Get the book out of the library, read it, order a copy - whatever you do, just get your hands on a copy. It's not a cure, but it can make a HUGE difference.
A kid with ADHD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or any one of a number of conditions has more trouble than most in understanding and coping with the world around them. They feel as if they have no control over anything, so when you are a dictatorial parent (which you feel you have to be, with an apparently wayward child) it only makes it worse.
We try to narrow things down, so their steps are controlled every minute of the day; we feel that is the only way to keep them in check. But what it often turns out, is this is exactly the wrong approach. What they need is the chance to make some decisions on their own, like a child learning to walk. Punishments need to be immediate and limited to natural consequences only. For example, if your child snatches a toy from another child, we make our child give the toy back. Failure to intervene at all - the natural consequence is that our child will be unpopular, other kids won't want to play. Until a snatching child really understands this, he will keep on snatching toys.
Other behaviour problems can arise not out of naughtiness, but out of anxiety, fear, frustration. If you can understand and deal with this in a different way, by supporting the child through it instead of punishing them, you will find this reduces their fear, anxiety and frustration.
This doesn't mean letting them get away with murder; you can still gently correct and rehearse more appropriate behaviour. For example, difficult child 3 might say to me, "I'm hungry, Mum. Get me some lunch, will you?"
He doesn't mean to be rude, but he didn't think. Instead of either shouting at him, or refusing, I reply with, "You should have said, 'Please will you get my lunch for me, Mum?' Now ask me nicely."
These days - he apologises, then asks me appropriately. We then briefly talk about what he would like for lunch and I leave him doing his schoolwork while I go get organised.
If I had responded with, "I'm not getting anything until you learn some manners!" he would have been frustrated and then begun to feel anxious that his hunger would get worse, while he was trying to work out exactly what I meant. He probably would have shouted at me, which, in older days, would have had me replying, "You'll get nowhere with THAT attitude, buster!" and walking out of the room.
By that stage we would have escalated it to full rage and NOTHING WOULD BE LEARNT from this exchange. We would both be angry, he would be hungry and resentful and he would also have stopped doing his schoolwork, too. And he STILL wouldn't have learnt enough to correct the problem behaviour.
He's not stupid, he's a bright kid. But sarcasm, vague scolding, "you should know" attitude simply doesn't work on him (similar to many difficult children).
Our methods now - it works. By reminding him gently, rehearsing the proper response, praising him (or rewarding in other ways) for correct behaviour - he's learning AND staying happy. And when he's happy, he's productive. He's learning. He's moving forward and making good progress.
A rage or tantrum can set progress back. It is to be avoided. But behaviour still needs to be worked on, so what do you do? You choose a couple of behaviours you think your child is capable of mastering, and ignore the rest (for the time being). You work gently on the chosen goals but pull back BEFORE a rage is triggered (which means you need to understand the child well enough to recognise the warning signs).
The child quickly learns that you want those behaviours changed, but not at the expense of his peace of mind. And you are actually trying to help him stay calm - this is important. You are showing you respect him. In turn, he will behave toward you, as you behave toward him. You are now modelling the correct response.
This works, if you are consistent. It works even better if all in the household are on the same page. Those who are NOT on the same page will rapidly find themselves the focus of a lot of hostility from the child.
When I look back at some of the things I did in the name of firm, wise parenting - I cringe. We are now doing so much better, and we ALL feel less stressed.
So, read up on it all and trust yourselves to get it right.
And again, welcome.
Marg
