New to the Board..

[aWillowBreeze]

Intro ..I see SO many topics and unknown abbreviations, i know it will take a little time to figure things out. I ran across this board by chance and hopeful it & its members can help me find the strength and peace of mind to deal with the situations my barely 18yr old son creates and perhaps some good advice on how to respond to them as well.


A quick summary would be that my son was diagnosed "borderline" adhd but stopped taking his medications years ago. It has also been suggested he was ODD. He lies, steals, and uses others as long as he gets what he wants out of it.. He did not graduate in June as we'd hoped. Just since last november he's moved in and out of our home, his biological fathers home (whom went AWOL from his life for 8yrs returning when our son was 17) ..and an ex-stepmothers home (who is believed to be addicted to painkillers and possibly crack).

Most recent situation.. My son has no diploma, no job, no car, lost his license. I've worked hard with the school & my schedule to arrange for my son to attend night "rescue classes". I offered all transportation from his bio-dads home to school and back,even clothing, food..etc It would only be 4 hrs,3 nights a week and he could have a diploma by the holidays. He has faked sick and refused to go to the 1st 3 classes. He asked for $15 to go to the Dr. yesterday (he needs the excuse if he wants to be allowed to continue the program). I offered him a check made out to the Dr. and he essentially refused it by trying to claim the Dr. would not take a check and why was i "being like that" . Our son has only been in the Ex's current home for 3 wks and he's already recieved 3 calls from the landlord with complaints. I was informed last night he would be kicking him out this weekend. My ex was evicted from his last apt. due to our son's behavior just a couple months ago..so i admit i understand his position on this particular subject. I have been in tears this morning with this knowledge and the all too common sinking feeling that you just don't know where or what my son will do next..

Appreciate those who took the time to read this far..

Me : 38 Stay at home mom going on 12 yrs now!
husband: 46 married for 15 yrs..
Step-D 24 On her own,some college, works hard, has 4yr old daughter.
Son.. "see above"
Daughter 11 : Good Student, quiet Independent, Can be tempermental and Sassy.
Daughter 8: Outgoing & social, struggles in school, VERY talkative, prone to temper tantrums

 

[klmno]

Welcome! I think most of us found this board by chance and although no one wishes we needed it, it is an invaluable resource and offers much needed support as we muddle thru this journey. You might find it helpful to post a thread about your specific situation and any questions on the Parent Emeritus section since those arer parents who have older children that have already left home. The FAQ section has a thread that lists our typically used abbreviations. difficult child means "Gift from God", referring to our unique child that brought us here. Some people prefer to use their own nickname for their kid and that is fine too.

 

[hearts and roses]

Ditto everything klmno said about reading through the Parent Emeritus board posts.

My first thought as I read through your post was that everyone else is running around bending over backwards to help this young man attain at the very least his HS Diploma. And my next thought was:

What is HE doing to help himself? Apparently, NOTHING. Stop doing for him. Just stop right this second. Let him land on his behind and while he's scratching his head in wonder, perhaps he will come up with a plan for himself. You cannot save him from himself.

I feel bad that he's had so many people to choose from, to sponge off of. It's too bad you all couldn't have come up with a solid response when he asks for help or a couch to crash on, but it is what it is and he probably wouldn't have been cooperative anyway. He KNOWS, trust me, he knows what the right thing to do is. He KNOWS all you've done for him and he KNOWS that in order to achieve even the smallest of goals, he needs to struggle a bit and figure out how to reach it on his own.

That said, it's easier said than done, I totally understand, we all do. Honestly, read through some of the posts on all of the boards, in particular, read the signatures as many of them tell a bigger story than the actual post. Once you learn where some of the parents are coming from with their kids (young and old), how far they have come and what they have learned and what they are doing today, it will be helpful for you - it may help you to make a resolution for yourself. It may just help you to know that you're not alone in this.

You may read about a particular resource you didn't know about which may be helpful for YOU. That's right, YOU. At his age and at this stage and with other children in the home, you need to be focusing on you and your behaviors. Again, it's difficult. Keep coming back, keep reading and posting. Sending many gentle hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

wELCOME WillowBreeze,
sorry in advance--the cat is "helping" me type this.

I am so sorry your son was kicked out but I can see why. Considering his step mother's drug use, it seems like the best thing that could happen to him.

I agree with-the others here. Don't know if I can add much, but can ramble on a bit ... (I think I missed a cpl notes because the cat scrolled down. How did she learn to do that?)

I understand completely about his reaction to the way the check was made out to the dr. LOL! A friend of mine once said, "if you have a dog, you expect it to bark, right? So what do you expect your son to do? Just remember, dogs bark."
So, when your son reacted that way to the check, it was more typical than not, Know what I mean??

You've got to have leverage. If he stays with-you, YOU are in charge of the car, keys, food, you name it. Install locks and keep the keys with-you at all times.

Did you ever get a diagnosis that was more than ADHD and ODD? What was he like as a baby? Toddler?

If he would submit to more testing, it would be wise and very helpful. Bribery may work, at least at this point.

Take care of yourself. Make sure you draw a line in the sand and everyone knows where it is.

 

[toughlovin]

Sounds like our sons could be good friends. I agree with others check out the Parent Emeritus, there are lots of us in similar situations with our older children.

Sounds like everyone has had enough of your son loafing around and doing nothing. As long as everyone is so willing to help him he doesn't really have to do anything.

We kicked our son out in June. Our situation was similar, very close to graduating but didn't bother to do what he had to do to finish one class so he did not get his diploma. Things were getting way out of hand at home. In August he asked if he could go down to the TBS he had been at for 10th grade and finish the work for his diploma. We sent him down there and in 2 weeks he finished the school work plus got a bunch of community service hours he needs for court. So now he will be getting his diploma. He asked what he needed to do to come home and we talked a lot about rules he would need to follow etc. Also told him he had to spend 40 hours a week being productive.... He came home and a week later got his first job and is now working for his 3rd day. Now I have my worries... one being that he will blow this job off or something but hopefully he will enjoy getting his own pay check!!!

Anyway things have been much better..... like I said i still have major worries but things have been more peaceful at home and I suspect if he can keep this job it will really help him feel better about himself. And in any case at least he has been taking some real positive steps.

The best thing we could have done is do what we did, and that is let him experience trying to make it on his own.

 

[aWillowBreeze]

Thank you all for your directions to the Parent Emeritus section and your comments..

to reply briefly to a few points made..

YES, he's had alot of help available..not all GOOD help..after an 8yr absense his bio-dad was easily swayed by difficult child's lies at first..but has learned his own lessons & like my husband and myself he now would like to help but agree's that difficult child must be willing to follow rules and do more to help himself. The Ex-stepmother on the other hand is "help" we all would have preferred he not have and if you catch future post i'm sure you'll learn more on why.

Yes! I am not only looking her for ways to help my difficult child but also for ME to cope , let go, be more in control of my emotions toward the situations as well.

I was not at all suprised by his reaction to the check..dogs bark!..I like that! As far as diagnosis..in 2nd grade i was told he did not have adhd..that he was just "acting out" It wasn't until 5th grade that i was even given the "borderline adhd" diagnosis. The ODD was never even brought up by a medical professional only a couple of times by a family friend or two.

toughlovin - I will indeed be heading over to the Parent Emeritus section and hope to hear updates on your difficult child.. It sounds like yours has taken a step in the right direction. I have said it MANY times..i felt if difficult child could just get the diploma or a job/paycheck..some step forward..that sense of accomplishment could provide momentum for more good choices!

 

[Star*]

Hi there !

What a cool name and matching Avatar! Very nice!

Abbreviations? Oh girl - lemme see. IOTFC - I'm on the floor Crying. IGKTK. I'm Gonna Kill That KID. KOI - Poo- (you know), difficult child - GIFT FROM GOD - Because WE didn't get these kids because we are weak - we got 'em because God knew what he was doing when he passed this soul onto us because we are strong enough to handle them. (ya think - REALLY GOD - HONEST? - oh that was me standing in my front yard asking) WT? WHAT THE ?......PE Parents Emeritus, WC Watercooler, GEN - General, Alphabet Soup - Generalized Term for every diagnoses applied to our kids because no one really knows WHAT they have. ROFL - *Good to do occasionally ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.
There are a few that I post from time to time - and even I have to go back and ask what I wrote...OH yeah that one FB - (it's not what you think cause the first time I saw it I was like - ohhhhh i am tellin') and it was Face Book. easy child - I think this one is Perfect Child but my brain turned it into PRETTY CLOSE - this way no child is perfect - and all of them are ALWAYS pretty close to being a difficult child at any minute and after all they ALL are difficult child. Know what I mean?? LOL

Oh and I really DO like donkeys.......not being an (you know) S.A. Southern Alabama (fan) hahaha. ahem.

Okay - so there you have the skinny, and the 411 on the CD board, and anything else you need to know? HOLLA. Holler? Just shout it out. Yell it right out. Hellllloooooooooooooooo.

TTYL
SYRLAD - See you round like a Doughnut...mm Krispy Kreme
SYLA - See you later Alligator - Oh unless you are a Crimson Tide Fan......then that was bad. VERY bad. Go Bama! (right?)
Hard to tell - you've only just begun. You'll be back. (mwahahaha) You have an 18 year old. hahah.

Hugs
Star

 

[KTMom91]

Welcome to our little corner of the world, WillowBreeze!

 

[Wiped Out]

Just adding in my welcome.

 

[TerryJ2]

Star, thanks for pointing that out-- I LOVE the avatar and name!

 

[aWillowBreeze]

Star, thanks for pointing that out-- I LOVE the avatar and name!

Thanks Star & TerryJ2

As a child my grandmother had a willow tree overlooking her garden. It was one of my favorite places in the world to sit beneath it on a late summer/early fall day and almost hide under it watching the breeze sway. Just the memory of it or the site of a Willow still brings me the most peaceful feeling ..beautiful on a great day..uplifting on the bad ones.

 

[TerryJ2]

Absolutely! We all need willow trees in our lives ... or at least, in our minds, places we can run away to. Sigh.

 

[barneysmom]

Welcome Willow,

I have learned more on this board than I ever did from any doctor or therapist. you're in the right place.

Jo