New to the forum, new to this life....

[HereWeGoAgain]

Mike, (it so happens my name is Mike, too), what your son's teacher said about pot stopping the maturation process rings true. Our daughter's decision-making ability, as in evaluating possible consequences, has remained frozen at the 13 yo level (or less) though physically she is now twice that. The impulsivity and risk-taking are also characteristic of borderline personality disorder, too, as I'm learning, so it's hard to say. It may all be a chicken-egg situation.

 

[DDD]

Have to add a note here. In this arena of the CD family we do not all agree on methods etc. Many of us, like you and your wife,
make every effort to keep our difficult children in the safety of our home. Some difficult children are totally rude, verbally violent and some are actively stealing from the home or threatening to family members.
In our house we have had two instances of verbal rudeness and
no overt acts. In fact, it is an unusal day that we don't get
a spontaneous hug, quick kiss on the head or an affectionate statement or two.

on the other hand, we have a son who is an alcoholic and a pot smoker. We have a son who is not moving forward toward maturity. It is really important that we acknowledge the depth of the problem
and attempt to distance ourselves by detaching as best we can.

It's all so darn subjective but it is invaluable having the support of each other no matter what road we choose. Glad to
have you aboard. DDD

 

[KFld]

Mike,
as far as your son not really being involved with the family, that is also an age thing that I think is worse in males then females. My difficult child wouldn't be caught dead at the mall with me around that age, for fear his friends would see him with his mother. He has gotten past that now, but he'll be 20 next week. We couldn't get him to go out and do family things with us for years, especially go out to dinner together, we had to force him if it was something really important. My easy child daughter on the other hand will go anywhere with me. I think it's hard sometimes when they are heading down a path that you don't want them to, to determine what is normal teenage behavior and what is unacceptable. I guess that is where choosing your battles really becomes important and you have to learn not to let everything drive you up the wall.

 

[rejectedmom]

Just wanted to welcome you. We are a group of parents many of whom have been there done that and have much knowledge and experience to share.
I am on my way out the door right now but wanted to take a minute to say hi and let you know that you will never be alone in this again. Just come here and post. This board has been my lifeline through many a dark day. -RM

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Have to add a note here. In this arena of the CD family we do not all agree on methods etc. Many of us, like you and your wife,
make every effort to keep our difficult children in the safety of our home. Some difficult children are totally rude, verbally violent and some are actively stealing from the home or threatening to family members.
In our house we have had two instances of verbal rudeness and
no overt acts. In fact, it is an unusal day that we don't get
a spontaneous hug, quick kiss on the head or an affectionate statement or two.

on the other hand, we have a son who is an alcoholic and a pot smoker. We have a son who is not moving forward toward maturity. It is really important that we acknowledge the depth of the problem
and attempt to distance ourselves by detaching as best we can.

It's all so darn subjective but it is invaluable having the support of each other no matter what road we choose. Glad to
have you aboard. DDD
</div></div>

Thanks DDD. I hope I don't come off as rude or dismissive of anyone kind enough to respond to my posts. It's just that I'm still in the early stages of this process. And one thing I haven't shared yet is that my son came forward on his own to tell us what was happening. He's regretting that decision now, because the year that followed wasn't fun for anyone.

His doctor thinks that him making the first move, especially when we were completely oblivious, is a good sign. I hope he's right, and that inside difficult child really does want help, and wants to change. If I had to guess, I'd say he's too ingrained in the current stoner culture to let go easily; it's the only life he knows now, and his only friends (except for his easy child girlfriend) are all part of that culture.

I know others have been through darker times, and my heart breaks when I read some of the stories of other parents, and the decisions they've had to make. I won't minimize any of them, because "there but for the grace of God go I..", and I may yet end up sharing their pain.

For now, though, difficult child's therapist likens his treatment to trying to entice an abused dog out of the woods with food and kind words. Right now, difficult child is sniffing around, but won't come near if there's any "threat". Hopefully, he'll begin to learn that what he sees as threats may be something eles entirely.

Then again, maybe not, but for now I remain hopeful. I'm also glad to be here, appreciative of the company and support of everyone here, and hope that I can give back as much as I've already gotten in the few days since I joined.

Mikey

 

[CAmom]

Mikey,

Just a FYI...my father was a military officer and left my mother, sister and me (we were ages 2 and 4) for three years during the Korean war. This was after just having moved from Germany back to the US. Thereafter, we lived in three different countries, rarely staying more than three years, and I attended fourteen different schools.

Despite all the upheaval and through the many tears we shed whenever we had to leave yet ANOTHER set of friends, although my sister and I were certainly NOT easy child's, we NEVER showed our parents an IOTA of the disrepsect our son has shown us. And, even though we both messed around with pot in our later teen years, neither of us went on to drugging.

So, don't blame yourself or your career.

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Mike,
as far as your son not really being involved with the family, that is also an age thing...</div></div>

Thanks, KFld. Good timing on this point; difficult child's therapist is also my therapist, and basically said the same thing just yesterday. He went on to remind me that not all "bad" behaviour is acting out against me/us. Some of it is just plain old testosterone poisoning that all teenage males suffer from.

With my difficult child, the normal crud that teen males do is mixed in with the things that happen when he morphs from easy child to difficult child, and it's hard to tell the difference. doctor cautioned that I be very careful in what I react to, and how I react, because while I may not know the difference between acting out and "normal" teen behaviour, difficult child <u>definitely</u> knows the difference; and if I react as if he's acting out when it's just normal teenage stupidity, it will only give difficult child more license to act out.

And most importantly, he said don't take <u>anything</u> he does personally. That's the one I have a hard time with, but then again, that's also why I see a therapist myself and have a couple of good Rx that help me stay clear-headed during a conflict.

Ugh! And how, exactly, did we ever live through this as a teen? :smile:

Take care,
Mikey

 

[mom_in_training]

"For now, though, difficult child's therapist likens his treatment to trying to entice an abused dog out of the woods with food and kind words. Right now, difficult child is sniffing around, but won't come near if there's any "threat". Hopefully, he'll begin to learn that what he sees as threats may be something eles entirely."

I like the way you put that.

"and I won't minimize any of them"
I agree with you on that as nobody here would ever think to minimize the issue that brought you here to begin with. I am very glad that you found this site and want to welcome you again. What is the saying? "It takes a village to raise a kid" Lol!! True....

 

[KFld]

I have learned that the difference between normal teenage behavior and being a total difficult child, is that a normal teenager grows out of this behavior and a true difficult child has to have it knocked out of them :smile:

One thing to remember on this board is not to ever feel funny about standing your ground on feeling one way and then admitting you did something you said you would never do. Believe me, we've all done it. You may not be ready to do things now that down the road may change, and we will always understand it.

I'll never forget my first alanon meeting and I listened to parents say how they had to ask their children to leave their homes and I thought, there is nothing my son could eve do that I would ever ask him to leave home! Low and behold, 2 months later he was out the door because I knew I had to do it to save his life. I knew he had to hit bottom and I did something I said I would never do. This experience has taught me never to say never and also not to ever be embarassed that I changed my mind.

 

[mom_in_training]

I hear ya Karen, I never thought that I would go as far as telling my difficult child to leave either but did and have not seen her since the 6th. Its heart wrenching to say the least but I also know that if there is a chance of saving her that she too would have to hit rock bottom. What we were doing here obviously was not working especially considering that I was the one making all of the effort while she just blobbed around along with having high expectations without giving one ounce back. Now I just sit and wait for the call that might just save her life. Rather it be her or the police it will be a start for her to choose a different way of life hopefully. There is no guarantee that if she does get arrested that it will be her wake-up call but we will just have to see. Since joining this site I have seen an awesome improvement with your difficult child Oh and did you celebrate the test results? Lol!! Phew, What a relief.