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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 141292" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>I would first like to commend you for the strong support you give your wife. It is so important to back her up and take a lead role in trying to change your difficult child's behavior. Nothing will destroy a marriage more than a spouse who does not take an active role in childrearing especially when you are dealing with a difficult child. The child must know that the parents are united in their efforts and cannot be torn apart.</p><p></p><p>You know you are dealing with inherited characteristics. My husband and I recently attended a talk given by a licensed professional clinical counselor who deals with juveniles, many from the court system in our area. He wrote a book in which he said:</p><p></p><p>"When you have a child who has a tendency to act inappropriately because of inherited characteristics, you cannot act as a normal parent. You must act abnormally by overcompensating and making sure you remain constantly vigilant to respond to your child whenever your child does not do what they are suppose to do. You will need to become a "super parent". It is an enhausting task, but if it is not continually attended to, the probabilities are that the child who was born to be "bad" will stand a very good chance of becoming "bad". The responsibility for keeping the child on the appropriate path lies squarely with the child's parents. If the child has a trndency to steer to the right, you must direct the child to the left, not to the center. You must become a "super parent". </p><p></p><p>He goe son to say that the number of families in his practice where there is an adopted child usually ranges from 35&#37; to 50%, and that number holds true for most other therapists he works with. The reason thatis significant is that only 2% of families in the US have an adopted child.</p><p></p><p>He also says that it is possible to alter one's behavioral core by structuring or restructuring the outside on such a controlled and consistent basis that the core of who they are on the inside becomes modified to conform to external structure. I often wondered if our adopting our difficult child did any good for her, or was she predispositioned to be in all the trouble she is in and we had no impact. This gave me some hope.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult child is about to go to juvenile court for the third time. She spent a weekend in detention two years ago and straightened out her life for about 18 months. Recently she decided to become rebellious again and we have had to involved the court system once again. I am terrified that unless she modifies her behavior soon she will end up in jail as an adult. We had to do the unthinkable, call the police on our own child. </p><p></p><p>I hear you that you are tired of your son using the foster child bit as a sympathy ploy. Our adopted children spend their entire lives being angry at everyone except who they should be angry at. I recently asked my daughter who she was so angry at that she had to detrouy her entire life for. Surely it couldn;t be us becausae all we did was bring her into our family and love her.</p><p></p><p>Nancy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 141292, member: 59"] I would first like to commend you for the strong support you give your wife. It is so important to back her up and take a lead role in trying to change your difficult child's behavior. Nothing will destroy a marriage more than a spouse who does not take an active role in childrearing especially when you are dealing with a difficult child. The child must know that the parents are united in their efforts and cannot be torn apart. You know you are dealing with inherited characteristics. My husband and I recently attended a talk given by a licensed professional clinical counselor who deals with juveniles, many from the court system in our area. He wrote a book in which he said: "When you have a child who has a tendency to act inappropriately because of inherited characteristics, you cannot act as a normal parent. You must act abnormally by overcompensating and making sure you remain constantly vigilant to respond to your child whenever your child does not do what they are suppose to do. You will need to become a "super parent". It is an enhausting task, but if it is not continually attended to, the probabilities are that the child who was born to be "bad" will stand a very good chance of becoming "bad". The responsibility for keeping the child on the appropriate path lies squarely with the child's parents. If the child has a trndency to steer to the right, you must direct the child to the left, not to the center. You must become a "super parent". He goe son to say that the number of families in his practice where there is an adopted child usually ranges from 35% to 50%, and that number holds true for most other therapists he works with. The reason thatis significant is that only 2% of families in the US have an adopted child. He also says that it is possible to alter one's behavioral core by structuring or restructuring the outside on such a controlled and consistent basis that the core of who they are on the inside becomes modified to conform to external structure. I often wondered if our adopting our difficult child did any good for her, or was she predispositioned to be in all the trouble she is in and we had no impact. This gave me some hope. Our difficult child is about to go to juvenile court for the third time. She spent a weekend in detention two years ago and straightened out her life for about 18 months. Recently she decided to become rebellious again and we have had to involved the court system once again. I am terrified that unless she modifies her behavior soon she will end up in jail as an adult. We had to do the unthinkable, call the police on our own child. I hear you that you are tired of your son using the foster child bit as a sympathy ploy. Our adopted children spend their entire lives being angry at everyone except who they should be angry at. I recently asked my daughter who she was so angry at that she had to detrouy her entire life for. Surely it couldn;t be us becausae all we did was bring her into our family and love her. Nancy [/QUOTE]
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