New to this site posted on another forum and advised to check SA

[lettinggo4now]

I am new here today. I found the site by "when your child steals from you". I don't have advice I am still learning..as when I think it has changed..she slips away agian... I am glad to not feel alone any more. I just can't talk to others about this, they just don't understand..Heck I don't even understand.... I love her deeply, don't know who she is anymore. She was very outgoing in show choir, marching band, winter guard etc..She and I were close...then she met this guy who introduced her to spice and she has never been the same. It made her a liar, and good at it. She graduated high school , 1 yr of college was good, the next flunked out. She stole pain medication. from us and "sold it" says she? when confronted. She began going on what I call long term overnights with friends who apparently support her as she can not keep a job. She likened it to um moving out? Goes from one place to the next..only home 10% of year. She pierced up her face;-( , ran away with a kid who was 17. Returned..says she is drug free..??? but she is not the daughter I raised for sure. Stole one of our cars, by climbing in window to get keys in a locked room (returned it) in her eyes she borrowed it. We changed the locks, we lock up everything in our room just in case she comes to visit...this week found she climbed in a window (we thought was locked), looked for car keys, found 400 dollars we had just won in a raffle and took it. I went to her confronting her, she denied it. I finally said if what is left is not returned I am going to the police..while we were gone she returned 150 of it.i..n a place I designated outside our home. She has a hard time facing us, only will text. When we happen to see her..when sometimes she appears the real daughter, she says she wants to come home, she is changing her ways, and makes plans with us..only to not show..In 1 day she spent 250 of the money and again only returned 150,but I hold to...at least she did??.. I am so sad, but hopeful one day.. we do not support her, we do not give her money and she is not allowed home to live until she truly turns her life around..still waiting. We bought her a car stipulating when she graduated from college we would change the title to her name..caught her driving high..took her car..that was 6 months ago. So everything she does is on foot or via someone else. We finally said ok, if you get a job hold it and can pay for insurance etc. you can have the car..3 months ago..still ..We are now considering getting rid of it and getting our son a car instead..is that wrong?? It is hard to feel you have to lock up tight, not for strangers, but because of family. ..it is like she is detached..she says drug free.. I say only drugs could make my daughter act this way..maybe I am wrong, but I don't want to believe the alternative, that she just is this way now. I read a book , The Prodigal Daughter a true story written by mother and daughter. It helped me to let go and give her to God no matter what happens, I have to. She is an adult, she does know better..she is making these choices..and I do not have to wear it.I do feel she does things, and then can't deal with it so she, escapes physically..or mentally and artificially. She continues to say "I make her feel worthless and that is why she doesn't come around"..I say..she has made herself feel worthless, she cont on this path, and she can not face what she has done. The broken promises, the stealing etc..and so..she moves further the other direction..She has the book, I only pray she reads it..it's her story at least very close, it took the girl in the story 4 years and almost losing her life before she got it. So I wait...with tough love and broken heart I wait

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hello LettingGo,
Welcome. I'm glad you found this site, and hope we can offer support. Many, many helpful folks here.
in my opinion, you are doing fine, you seem to be detaching from her behavior, but you still love her. She's an adult, and she has to own her choices. Maybe you could get an alarm on your house to stop the stealing - that would be my only suggestion. You're doing great so far. More experienced and helpful people will be along soon....Keep checking back and posting in future. Take care.

 

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome to the CD community. Your daughter is most certainly still using drugs. She would not be living this lifestyle if she wasn't on drugs. It is very common for substance abusers to steal to support their habit.

You sound like you have things figured out. Detaching with love is hard to do but you have set your boundaries very clearly. I am going to look into that book. Thanks for sharing it.

Keep posting. Many of us here have experienced just what you are going through. We can't fix things but we are here to listen and offer support.

~Kathy

 

[Kathy813]

Could you tell me the author of the Prodigal Daughter?

Thanks,
~Kathy

 

[lettinggo4now]

The prodigal daughter~by Lindy Hicks Cleere and Lois Hicks
http://www.amazon.com/The-Prodigal-...?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1336259805&sr=1-1

Great book, intense.

 

[lettinggo4now]

So we found that again she came into our house with-o our knowledge. We made every effort to prevent this from happening but, so she took "her" laptop..the reason I am infuriated A) we had it fixed as it was not working and she put it aside no intentions to have it fixed B) more importantly she came through a window to get it. I confronted her via text. She says it was hers and not her problem we had it fixed uh she didn't ask us to. I explained if she felt that was true and she had right to it, she would have taken it while we were home, not sneaking in to take it. I asked her if she had a drug problem ? if so plz to let us get her help. She said "No" she did not and didn't need rehab. So I asked so you have just decided lying and stealing from your family is just who you are and the way to be. She said "NO". Ok...? so then I explained IF she really wanted to be on the up and up and really wanted to make it right she will be here today at 10 and plan to work all day here, working off the 100 it took to repair the laptop. No response from her..I guess we will see..you see the only ones who know what she has done is her father and I. I told her if she does not make this right I will tell the rest of the family that this is the life she has chosen and why we have and they should take precautions. Sadly since we know she hasn't a key we had to make wood pieces to brace all the windows so she can not slide them open..we live in a manufactured home our only guess is she has some how found a way to push in to unlock the locks, our best guess. Do I believe she doesn't need rehab??? hum...I don't know what to believe. I mean she did premeditate to come in a window knowing we were gone and the doors were locked. She did come in with the intentions of finding car keys to take the car (which we took from her and carry keys w us) instead she found the money..and something in her head said it was ok to take it. She returned part of the money? because it was the right thing to do?? or because I threatened to call the police? The laptop she denied at first, then admitted to it and argued it was hers to take . Truth we had it fixed and was going to give it to her when we thought she turned her life around and was going to go back to school...but...she never did..at least not yet.

 

[Nancy]

lettinggo, it sound sto me like your daughter has a drug problem and she is in denial. Addicts lie and steal, that is what they do. We are going through this with our difficult child who has been through rehab and sober houses and is now livingin an apaetment, has no job, no money and drinks and uses drugs every day. How does she get money to live on and buy drugs? She steals and lies. We had to kick her out of our house at age 19 and she will be 21 a month from today and she cannot get her life in order. She doesn't want to come home anymore, the drugs are talking to her now and she is listening, she likes the life she is living.

You are doing the right thing by no enabling your difficult child. You have taken all the precautions you can but if she breaks into your house again I would call the police. The one thing I would like to say though is I know you want her to want to change and be remorseful, you think by telling her if she doesn't do something you will tell the rest of the family she will do it. I tried that so many times. I thought difficult child's family was important to her. I found out that NOTHING except drugs/alcohol were important, not her family or friends or home or job, nothing. She lost it all. We have a wonderful supportive family and she lost all of them. No one wants anything to do with her and they are sick of her behavior. So all my threats were for nothing. You difficult child is not going to change until living the way she is becomes too painful.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

LG4 - I am glad you came to the SA forum!! It is so hard to go through your child lying and stealing from you. Your daughter is screaming drug abuse even if she cant admit it... and she probably won't admit it to you, at least right now. I definitely agree with Nancy call the police next time, and in fact you could call them now and tell them she is breaking and entering your home without your permission and taking things. Sometimes police involvement is the only way to get their attention and steer them towards help.

My son is around the age of your daughter I think. He will be 21 in a few months. He has been arrested several times and so willingly went a couple of times to rehab in another state... where he is now. We have numorous times in rehab, then sober houses, then relapses and getting kicked out of sober houses....its past the point of counting on one hand. We have had to let him just be homeless, literally living on the streets. Totally heartbreaking and so so hard to do.....but one thing is living on the street is a miserable existance and each time it has gotten him back to rehab. This last time I found a place that is truly dual diagnosis and so hopefully now he is getting some help for his drug addiction as well as his psychiatric issues that steer him towards the drug use. We can only wait and see. But my point is as hard as letting him be homeless was, it does get him to get help. Nothing else will.... cajoling, begging, threatening, none of that helps. The only thing was to truly let him be on his own and totally down and out.

So you are doing the right thing... no matter what well meaning friends might tell you....I am glad you found us and keep posting.

Nancy.... I don't believe your difficult child really likes the life she is leading. Our difficult children are so similar... I really think she is miserable and drugs is the only way she has found out of her misery...... she is probably going to be kicked out of her apartment soon... and then she is going to have some tough choices, and hopefully will really hit the point where she know she needs help (again).

TL

 

[lettinggo4now]

Well, she came over yesterday very upset just crying all I could do was hug her ...when I asked what's wrong (I know whats wrong in my world, but she seemed so upset)..she just said..."I need to get my life back" ...and we talked for a long time. She says she isn't doing drugs...call me foolish..I believe her. Something in my heart feels she is telling me the truth. She was looking for the car keys she admits wanting to go look for a job, instead she found the money, because she owed ppl for food, cigarettes, room and board etc..she took it. Partly bitter because to her she paid for the car due to what we got in tax return due to her college credit..but the car is in our name etc..Because I caught her driving high several months ago and she didn't have a job to pay for the insurance etc. we refused to let her have it. Then the laptop she took was a Christmas gift 3 yr ago, it quit she never got it fixed. So while she was gone we did. In her eyes, it was her gift even though we got it fixed and her dad had already gave it to her before and she was not told she would have to pay for the repairs...so..listening I am hearing her differently..sort of. She thought she wanted to move home, but she kept telling me she felt worthless. I thought she was saying we were treating her that way. Yesterday I realized it is her guilt her shame because she said when she is here she remembers all she has done wrong, it is her heart. She wants to get her life back, so we worked out a deal for her to use the car to find a job to support herself, she also really wants to pay the money back she took. I pray she is really ready ...I do sense a difference in her that was not there before. She has 3 months to be able to pay her insurance etc...and prove herself to us. Oh we are keeping the sticks in the windows, and I keep my bedroom locked...but I left her a key to get the things she needed to go job hunting today..she had to write mileage, who she spoke to etc...but we got to start some where..I know it started with Spice a year ago, but oddly all the people I talk to her friends tell me she doesn't do drugs she is really against it..I wanted to reason...why then was she doing these things...but some how I think all the unsaid and assumptions of what she believed and what I believed about each other was the issue. I had to decide some things..so slowly cautiously..we are giving her that chance.. we will see.

 

[Kathy813]

I hope you are right. by the way, I was able to buy the Kindle version of the book you mentioned for $3.03. I love a bargain.

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

I hope you are right too. Did you give her the key to keep? Just realize she may make a copy so even if she gives it back you may want to keep the safety back ups in place, just in case. I hope she is telling the truth and not manipulating you. She sounds like she is hurting regardless of the issues, so I hope you all can work it out. You clearly love each other very much.

 

[BusynMember]

From my own experience, I wouldn't trust her. You can't trust a drug addict. My daughter who was one once told me that. They can look straight at you, cry, and lie. Beware. I also wouldn't 100% believe her friends, as much as you want to. My own experience was that they cover for one another.

I would not help Daughter drive because she could get into a serious car accident while high or drunk. My own daughter cracked up three cars. One was the car we bought her. The other two were not bought by us. She could have died in any of the accidents...or killed somebody else. Until you are sure she is truly 100% clean, I would not contribute to her being on the road. Have you thought of giving her random drug tests?

If your daughter's friends use drugs, the rule of thumb is pretty much that she is doing so too. And they pressure one another to keep using drugs, even if one of them is trying to quit. We had to send my daughter out of state before she could finally quit without threats, peer pressure, and harassment.

Take care. You may want to go to a Narc-Anon meeting for support. The meetings are great.