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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 374303" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi, Tearna.</p><p></p><p>I know this seems over the top behaviour, but it is still possible that he is reacting out of jealousy. What happens if you ask him for help? </p><p></p><p>I have had four kids and each time it was interesting to see how the immediately older one reacted. I also had the benefit of full-time child care once each child was 12 weeks old. But what I observed - </p><p></p><p>easy child, when difficult child 1 was born, stopped being a baby and immediately became an Older Child. She helped mother him, she helped look after him. </p><p>BUT - she also spent a bit of time regressing and wanting to have a turn at being the baby. </p><p>So I let her. </p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 was often put in a fraser chair (one of those little semi-reclining chairs that can be carried from one place to another) or a baby bean bag. Or I would lie him on a cotton blanket on the floor, with a toy stand over his head. </p><p>easy child wanted a turn, so I let her lie on the blanket and put the toy stand over her, so she could reach the toys and play with them. She noted that her reach was a lot longer. Then she wanted to sit in the baby bean bag and have me spoon-feed her. So I did. She didn't like strained peas but I said to her, "This is all difficult child 1 is allowed to eat, he's still too little to be allowed food with lumps in it."</p><p></p><p>easy child then decided she was bored with lying on the floor or in the bean bag, and wanted to get up to go outside. "Oh no," I told her. "Babies have to lie down inside. I could take you outside but you'd have to stay in the playpen or in the fraser chair. Babies can't run around because they can't walk yet."</p><p>"But I can walk. I can run," she told me.</p><p>"That's because you're not a baby, you're a little girl. What other things can you do that difficult child 1 can't do?"</p><p></p><p>We made a list. easy child and I discussed what it is like to be a baby. You have to either lie on the floor or get carried a little, or be put to bed in a cot and expected to sleep for two naps during the day and early to bed at night. Food is boring and pureed. You can't run, can't climb trees, can't walk and can't talk. Can't get your own snacks out of the fridge. Can't ask for what you want. And most important of all - a baby HAS to go in the nappy, can't say when they want the potty or the toilet.</p><p></p><p>easy child decided she wanted to be a big girl; she'd had a turn as a baby and was glad to move on.</p><p></p><p>I also began to lean on her a little to be a big sister and do big sister tasks. "Can you please fetch me a clean nappy?" "Quickly, darling, I need a clean washer. I have my hands full, I can't let him go or he might roll off the change table."</p><p></p><p>Boys often like this too. There are big boy things he can do for the baby. Or you could ask him, "What would you like to do as a big brother?"</p><p>But you might have to work up to that.</p><p></p><p>Some years later, I was volunteering at a play group. It was for easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was about 3 years old. By this time, easy child was a 'big girl' at school. She used to love coming with me to play group when it was school holidays for her, but at about 7 years old easy child became very upset. She didn't know what to do - was she a big kid and really, too old for play group? Or was she still young enough to join in the fun activities for pre-schoolers? She felt confused, not sure which way to go - mature, or a little kid? She hated feeling confused.</p><p>So I suggested she consider herself a big kid because she was, after all, in Grade 3. But I knew she loved playing with the craft stuff so I sent her to 'work' to help the little ones with their craft projects. </p><p></p><p>I went through similar things with easy child 2/difficult child 2 but in her case, she was 7 when difficult child 3 was born so there was less of a problem.</p><p></p><p>Now to difficult child 1 - he was about the same age as your son when his little sister was born. And difficult child 1 was clingy, still very demanding and no way was he close to being toilet trained. He was learning bowel training but it was a huge issue. He also was phobic about having water in his face - I'm almost certain it's because while I was in the hospital having the baby, difficult child 1, staying with his grandparents, was being forced physically to cooperate with having his hair washed. It made the phobia so much worse that it was years before we could wash his hair properly again.</p><p>difficult child 1's behaviour - he was clingy still. easy child 2/difficult child 2 had to share my lap. In fact, as she got more adventurous, difficult child 1 would often be on my lap while the baby cruised the floor. In the childcare centre, easy child 2/difficult child 2 became a carer as an infant. Long before she could walk, she would crawl over to a baby who had dropped a pacifier, and put it back in. Or she would pat a crying baby, or try to rock them. So the baby began to baby her big brother. And he let her. When she was a toddler and nimbler with her fingers, she was doing up his shoes for him, before he was able to I finally had to say to difficult child 1, "Your baby sister is doing things for you which you should be doing for yourself."</p><p></p><p>Going back to this - what I did when my older child regressed, was first of all, I let them. I said, "It's OK if you want to be a baby again. But you have to be ALL baby, complete with the restrictions. Back to nappies, back to sleeping in a cot. Two naps during the day, early to bed. Staying in bed until I choose to get you. Drinking from a bottle. Not being listened to. OR - you can be a big brother. You can be proud of what you can do. You don't have to be all grown up yet, it's OK to still be a little kid, but you don't have to be a baby. You can be the bigger one, the responsible one, the helper who is growing up to be a man oner day like daddy."</p><p></p><p>That said - there are other problems too, such as throwing things, tantrums etc that do come hand in hand with two years old. It's not OK to hurt people. He needs to have something he can be directed to do, when he is angry. And he needs to have a way to express his anger more appropriately. Why do you think he is getting angry? Can you find a way to give him a voice? Tantrums are inappropriate, but he needs an alternative; he needs a voice.</p><p></p><p>In practical terms - the wet bed is an issue. Summer is a good time to toilet-train, but boys can be later. My boys were. You can either put him back in Pull-Ups (which are still not newborn nappies, or even toddler nappies) or you can try to train. Bribes work well. But if the bed is wet, almost three years old is NOT too young to learn how to change the bed. No punishment, no recriminations, just, "OK, the b ed is wet. We can't leave it like that, we need to change it and air it, so you can have a pleasantly clean and fresh bed to sleep on tonight." Teach him how to at least strip off the wet sheets and carry them to the laundry. Praise him for doing this. Maybe even show him how to use the washing machine. In which case - show him how you find anything else that needs washing, to make up a full load. Show him the lot, how the washing gets hung out (or put in the dryer). Of course he's too little to do it all, but he can do as much as he can. It's OK, it happens.</p><p></p><p>And to make life easier for you - don't cover the mattress with plastic. Use a sheet of vinyl. We found plastic makes a horrible crinkly noise plus it feels wrong. Vinyl (the same heavy duty stuff you would use to reupholster the kitchen chairs) will lie flat, won't crinkle or sound awful and is comfortable to sleep on (with a sheet over it, of course). We bought about a metre of it and cut it in half across the width. it was plenty big enough to tuck under the mattress on both sides and to cover the middle third of the child's bed.</p><p></p><p>Now observe him and try to identify what has happened just before he gets upset. Make notes. Once you can understand him a bit more, it might be easier to help him. And this is worth the effort, if it gives you some peace.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted, there is a lot of help here. And no judgements. I remember being SO TIRED!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 374303, member: 1991"] Hi, Tearna. I know this seems over the top behaviour, but it is still possible that he is reacting out of jealousy. What happens if you ask him for help? I have had four kids and each time it was interesting to see how the immediately older one reacted. I also had the benefit of full-time child care once each child was 12 weeks old. But what I observed - easy child, when difficult child 1 was born, stopped being a baby and immediately became an Older Child. She helped mother him, she helped look after him. BUT - she also spent a bit of time regressing and wanting to have a turn at being the baby. So I let her. difficult child 1 was often put in a fraser chair (one of those little semi-reclining chairs that can be carried from one place to another) or a baby bean bag. Or I would lie him on a cotton blanket on the floor, with a toy stand over his head. easy child wanted a turn, so I let her lie on the blanket and put the toy stand over her, so she could reach the toys and play with them. She noted that her reach was a lot longer. Then she wanted to sit in the baby bean bag and have me spoon-feed her. So I did. She didn't like strained peas but I said to her, "This is all difficult child 1 is allowed to eat, he's still too little to be allowed food with lumps in it." easy child then decided she was bored with lying on the floor or in the bean bag, and wanted to get up to go outside. "Oh no," I told her. "Babies have to lie down inside. I could take you outside but you'd have to stay in the playpen or in the fraser chair. Babies can't run around because they can't walk yet." "But I can walk. I can run," she told me. "That's because you're not a baby, you're a little girl. What other things can you do that difficult child 1 can't do?" We made a list. easy child and I discussed what it is like to be a baby. You have to either lie on the floor or get carried a little, or be put to bed in a cot and expected to sleep for two naps during the day and early to bed at night. Food is boring and pureed. You can't run, can't climb trees, can't walk and can't talk. Can't get your own snacks out of the fridge. Can't ask for what you want. And most important of all - a baby HAS to go in the nappy, can't say when they want the potty or the toilet. easy child decided she wanted to be a big girl; she'd had a turn as a baby and was glad to move on. I also began to lean on her a little to be a big sister and do big sister tasks. "Can you please fetch me a clean nappy?" "Quickly, darling, I need a clean washer. I have my hands full, I can't let him go or he might roll off the change table." Boys often like this too. There are big boy things he can do for the baby. Or you could ask him, "What would you like to do as a big brother?" But you might have to work up to that. Some years later, I was volunteering at a play group. It was for easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was about 3 years old. By this time, easy child was a 'big girl' at school. She used to love coming with me to play group when it was school holidays for her, but at about 7 years old easy child became very upset. She didn't know what to do - was she a big kid and really, too old for play group? Or was she still young enough to join in the fun activities for pre-schoolers? She felt confused, not sure which way to go - mature, or a little kid? She hated feeling confused. So I suggested she consider herself a big kid because she was, after all, in Grade 3. But I knew she loved playing with the craft stuff so I sent her to 'work' to help the little ones with their craft projects. I went through similar things with easy child 2/difficult child 2 but in her case, she was 7 when difficult child 3 was born so there was less of a problem. Now to difficult child 1 - he was about the same age as your son when his little sister was born. And difficult child 1 was clingy, still very demanding and no way was he close to being toilet trained. He was learning bowel training but it was a huge issue. He also was phobic about having water in his face - I'm almost certain it's because while I was in the hospital having the baby, difficult child 1, staying with his grandparents, was being forced physically to cooperate with having his hair washed. It made the phobia so much worse that it was years before we could wash his hair properly again. difficult child 1's behaviour - he was clingy still. easy child 2/difficult child 2 had to share my lap. In fact, as she got more adventurous, difficult child 1 would often be on my lap while the baby cruised the floor. In the childcare centre, easy child 2/difficult child 2 became a carer as an infant. Long before she could walk, she would crawl over to a baby who had dropped a pacifier, and put it back in. Or she would pat a crying baby, or try to rock them. So the baby began to baby her big brother. And he let her. When she was a toddler and nimbler with her fingers, she was doing up his shoes for him, before he was able to I finally had to say to difficult child 1, "Your baby sister is doing things for you which you should be doing for yourself." Going back to this - what I did when my older child regressed, was first of all, I let them. I said, "It's OK if you want to be a baby again. But you have to be ALL baby, complete with the restrictions. Back to nappies, back to sleeping in a cot. Two naps during the day, early to bed. Staying in bed until I choose to get you. Drinking from a bottle. Not being listened to. OR - you can be a big brother. You can be proud of what you can do. You don't have to be all grown up yet, it's OK to still be a little kid, but you don't have to be a baby. You can be the bigger one, the responsible one, the helper who is growing up to be a man oner day like daddy." That said - there are other problems too, such as throwing things, tantrums etc that do come hand in hand with two years old. It's not OK to hurt people. He needs to have something he can be directed to do, when he is angry. And he needs to have a way to express his anger more appropriately. Why do you think he is getting angry? Can you find a way to give him a voice? Tantrums are inappropriate, but he needs an alternative; he needs a voice. In practical terms - the wet bed is an issue. Summer is a good time to toilet-train, but boys can be later. My boys were. You can either put him back in Pull-Ups (which are still not newborn nappies, or even toddler nappies) or you can try to train. Bribes work well. But if the bed is wet, almost three years old is NOT too young to learn how to change the bed. No punishment, no recriminations, just, "OK, the b ed is wet. We can't leave it like that, we need to change it and air it, so you can have a pleasantly clean and fresh bed to sleep on tonight." Teach him how to at least strip off the wet sheets and carry them to the laundry. Praise him for doing this. Maybe even show him how to use the washing machine. In which case - show him how you find anything else that needs washing, to make up a full load. Show him the lot, how the washing gets hung out (or put in the dryer). Of course he's too little to do it all, but he can do as much as he can. It's OK, it happens. And to make life easier for you - don't cover the mattress with plastic. Use a sheet of vinyl. We found plastic makes a horrible crinkly noise plus it feels wrong. Vinyl (the same heavy duty stuff you would use to reupholster the kitchen chairs) will lie flat, won't crinkle or sound awful and is comfortable to sleep on (with a sheet over it, of course). We bought about a metre of it and cut it in half across the width. it was plenty big enough to tuck under the mattress on both sides and to cover the middle third of the child's bed. Now observe him and try to identify what has happened just before he gets upset. Make notes. Once you can understand him a bit more, it might be easier to help him. And this is worth the effort, if it gives you some peace. Keep us posted, there is a lot of help here. And no judgements. I remember being SO TIRED! Marg [/QUOTE]
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