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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 513989"><p>ENM,</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board. Sorry you have to be here but glad that you found us. As you can already see you have found a wonderful supportive group who have been where you are and really understand.</p><p></p><p>What I have learned is that learning to stop enabling, figuring out and setting appropriate boundaries is a process. We all go through that at different rates and in different ways. The important thing is to recognize what is going on, recognize when you get lied to or conned, and keep coming here for support. We all do understand.</p><p></p><p>I think finding a good alanon meeting is a really good idea. I have found a parents meeting near us that has been a godsend to me... it has helped me a lot.</p><p></p><p>As far as specific advice.... again it is a process so take this as it makes sense to you.</p><p></p><p>First as someone said you didn't cause it, cant cure it and can't control it. You have no control over whether your son continues to smoke pot. He probably just plain wont listen to your warnings about it. Hopefully he will listen to the psychiatrist but he may very well not. You really can't do much about that except to let the psychiatrist know what is going on. I agree with others that is the right thing to do and very important.</p><p></p><p>As far as rules.... yes no pot in your house or in your car. Does he drive? I can't remember but if he does that may be something you can take away if he breaks these rules at all. If you think he is smoking regularly and driving then you want to put a stop to that.</p><p></p><p>Other than that I personally think it is easier and more effective to focus on the behaviors some of which you have identified, such as not doing well at school. There are other behaviors which you will probably notice if he gets heavy into pot smoking.... so continue to pay attention and if behaviors that are unacceptable come up then figure out what to do about those.</p><p></p><p>As far as kicking him out for any infractions.... I think whatever consequences you put in place you have to be willing to carry out. So if you are not willing to kick him out then figure out some other consequences for now. If this continues you may get to a point where you are willing to kick him out even if you are not right now. It is really really hard emotionally to kick a child out of your home but sometimes that is what is necessary. We had to kick our son out when he was 18 and it broke my heart but we had to do it. But don't threaten it if you are not ready to carry it out.</p><p></p><p>Also just because you kick him out does not mean you have to cut off all contact with him. When we kicked my son out I texted him and although he did not respond initially... he did call us when he got arrested. So my son has been in lots of trouble and has a serious drug problem but he does call us when he needs us and we are still helping him (when he is willing to go for help.. he is in rehab at the moment). Be prepared for him to be angry though... and that can be hard to take too.</p><p></p><p>As far as him being suicidal... that has got to be one of the hardest things as a parent to deal with. My son deals with depression... don't think he is bipolar although that has been questioned. Last September he called us because he needed to check himself into the hospital because he was suicidal. Then we went on a wild roller coaster ride of rehab, relapse, sober house, relapse, sober house relapse etc. etc. We ended up finally telling him we would not help him unless he got into treatment. The nightmare I had while he was on the street was that he would commit suicide..... and I finally got to the point where I realized that I could not prevent that... and him coming home is not an option because we are no longer willing to put our younger daughter through his chaos. I also realized that if his drug use continues to get worse it will likely eventually kill him..... and so I had to take a strong stand that I would no longer support his drug use indirectly in any way...... luckily after a few days of being homeless and hungry he did check himself into rehab. I have no idea if this one will take and we may be back on that roller coaster soon... but at least for now I am getting some restful sleep.</p><p></p><p>So I do understand how you feel and your worries about your son.... you can offer him help but he has to decide to take it.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 513989"] ENM, Welcome to the board. Sorry you have to be here but glad that you found us. As you can already see you have found a wonderful supportive group who have been where you are and really understand. What I have learned is that learning to stop enabling, figuring out and setting appropriate boundaries is a process. We all go through that at different rates and in different ways. The important thing is to recognize what is going on, recognize when you get lied to or conned, and keep coming here for support. We all do understand. I think finding a good alanon meeting is a really good idea. I have found a parents meeting near us that has been a godsend to me... it has helped me a lot. As far as specific advice.... again it is a process so take this as it makes sense to you. First as someone said you didn't cause it, cant cure it and can't control it. You have no control over whether your son continues to smoke pot. He probably just plain wont listen to your warnings about it. Hopefully he will listen to the psychiatrist but he may very well not. You really can't do much about that except to let the psychiatrist know what is going on. I agree with others that is the right thing to do and very important. As far as rules.... yes no pot in your house or in your car. Does he drive? I can't remember but if he does that may be something you can take away if he breaks these rules at all. If you think he is smoking regularly and driving then you want to put a stop to that. Other than that I personally think it is easier and more effective to focus on the behaviors some of which you have identified, such as not doing well at school. There are other behaviors which you will probably notice if he gets heavy into pot smoking.... so continue to pay attention and if behaviors that are unacceptable come up then figure out what to do about those. As far as kicking him out for any infractions.... I think whatever consequences you put in place you have to be willing to carry out. So if you are not willing to kick him out then figure out some other consequences for now. If this continues you may get to a point where you are willing to kick him out even if you are not right now. It is really really hard emotionally to kick a child out of your home but sometimes that is what is necessary. We had to kick our son out when he was 18 and it broke my heart but we had to do it. But don't threaten it if you are not ready to carry it out. Also just because you kick him out does not mean you have to cut off all contact with him. When we kicked my son out I texted him and although he did not respond initially... he did call us when he got arrested. So my son has been in lots of trouble and has a serious drug problem but he does call us when he needs us and we are still helping him (when he is willing to go for help.. he is in rehab at the moment). Be prepared for him to be angry though... and that can be hard to take too. As far as him being suicidal... that has got to be one of the hardest things as a parent to deal with. My son deals with depression... don't think he is bipolar although that has been questioned. Last September he called us because he needed to check himself into the hospital because he was suicidal. Then we went on a wild roller coaster ride of rehab, relapse, sober house, relapse, sober house relapse etc. etc. We ended up finally telling him we would not help him unless he got into treatment. The nightmare I had while he was on the street was that he would commit suicide..... and I finally got to the point where I realized that I could not prevent that... and him coming home is not an option because we are no longer willing to put our younger daughter through his chaos. I also realized that if his drug use continues to get worse it will likely eventually kill him..... and so I had to take a strong stand that I would no longer support his drug use indirectly in any way...... luckily after a few days of being homeless and hungry he did check himself into rehab. I have no idea if this one will take and we may be back on that roller coaster soon... but at least for now I am getting some restful sleep. So I do understand how you feel and your worries about your son.... you can offer him help but he has to decide to take it. Hugs, TL [/QUOTE]
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