New, visting adult difficult children and preventing destabilization

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by frustratedaunt, Dec 16, 2010.

  1. I've been lurking for a while now and though this would be a good place to post a dilema I'm facing. I have a difficult child neice who has a history of attachment issues steming from my difficult child family tree. Right now she's far away from family and seeming to do well for the first time in her life. This is from what she tells me the few times we have talked, although I can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. Without writing a book, I'm thinking about visiting her over the Christmas holiday since I'll be in her area. However, I am also aware from experiences when she lived with me that seperation/reunion can be very challenging for her. From what she tells me, and from viewing her academic account, she's closer to being a easy child than ever. She's finished a semester of uni with-o any meltdowns and seemed coherent about working on the next semester. I want to come and give her support, a nice dinner, but am also worried it could cause destabilization. Not sure if anyone else has dealt with difficult child's with attachment issues, and what they're experience is about suprising them. If she were a easy child, I'd expect a pleasent reception that a favorite aunt is visiting, but with her, well, from what I've seen, it could become a fiasco. I see her stabilizing, which makes me want to see if I can take the next step, integrate her into family, although I don't know if that'll cause her to backslide.

    Whoops baby by my difficult child brother. Lived with my other difficult child bro and his difficult child son until difficult child brother decided to take responsibility. Bro moved, left her with Bio mom difficult child who couldn't handle her. Too many issues to name, I took custody. Bio parents decided to play house, took her to the other side of the country. Not clear what went on there, came back to me at 15 with more issues than she had. Hospitalized, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at 16-17. Only diagnosis people can agree on is attachment disorder. Been on medications, not on them now, seems to be fine as long as she stays out of close relationships and doesn't do any long term planning (again from what SHE says). Other possible diagnosis: bipolar mixed features, ODD, CD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, depression, schizo-effective (not all diagnosis by same doctor or at the same time, just writing stuff down that psychiatric evaluations have produced).

    Now this was a book. :sigh: Hope someone can take the time to read it. Thanks!
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    My difficult child still lives at home, so I can't really answer your question about visiting - but I wanted to welcome you anyway...

    Glad to have you here!
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    This is my thought, and sorry I am so late in coming to this. I don't think I would surprise her as I suspect that could throw her for a loop even if it is a positive surprise. I would call her, tell her you would like to visit if she wants you to, and if so when would be good for her. Give her some control over the visit. If she is not ready for you to visit then accept that that is where she is and she will let you know when she is ready.

    Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
  4. Thanks for your replys and welcome! I took your advice and decided to talk to difficult child. She mumbled something about being with "friends" on Christmas eve and could not see me. This is after she told her mom that her "friends" were on vacation and needed cash for video games. After *facedesking* that biomom STILL does not comprehend difficult child has a lieing problem, I've decided to try again on the 23rd. I guess this leaves me with another question, as to whether difficult child's will always have some traits that just cannot be changed? From what I have seen from my neice, "friends" means "mentally immature older guy who she has attached herself AGAIN." Also, her lying issues where she creates this whole alternate reality with her lies.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Perhaps the visit isn't meant to be this year. You placed a low key telephone call and she made an excuse not to see you.
    To me that indicates that it's time to forget the goal of a visit. Sorry, that it isn't in the cards. Hugs. DDD
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I was thinking along the same lines of 3D.

    Perhaps she is doing well, but is not ready for a visit from family at this time. Or perhaps she was making things up for you to be proud of her and if you show up for a visit, you'll see it wasn't true. Hard to tell with difficult children. Either way, if she blew you off with an excuse over the phone.........I'd wish her a merry xmas and skip the visit this year. Stinks though for sure.