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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 408809" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I agree. focus on rewards for the good days, and nothing for the bad days.</p><p></p><p>A few things concern me. First, he is fine at home. But mostly, he is fine at aftercare. That is a similar environment to school - so why the difference? What are they doing at aftercare that they are not doing at school? Or possibly - what is happening at school, that is not happening at aftercare?</p><p></p><p>If your child does not like change, that is interesting. Possibly very relevant. School is generally very structured, so he should be doing better there, not worse. Again - something is going on there, especially in the unstructured play, that is I suspect precipitating this.</p><p></p><p>My theory - find out if he is either being bullied, or influenced by bullies. He could be attacking other kids for perceived (or real) slights or attacks. Once a kid gets a reputation, and especially once they get stirred up and have a shorter fuse than usual, problems happen. A solution - ask for playground supervision - a shadow.</p><p></p><p>He says nobody is hassling him, but there still could be social hassles he is either unaware of or unwilling to talk about. if he is being stood over, he might have been warned to stay silent. For example easy child was sexually molested in the school playground when she was 5 years old. Her attacker was 7 years old. We never found out exactly what he did physically, but the emotional damage was severe. He had said to her, "I am going to have sex with you. it will hurt. Do not tell anyone of my father will come to your house and kill your mother by running her over with the lawnmower." That is all she could tell us about the event. It took us two years to find out. In that time she also had been showing problem behaviours.</p><p></p><p>A kid who is socially inept, is also vulnerable to exploitation by other kids. difficult child 3 loved the school play gym and learned to patiently wait his turn. But the other kids would let their friends in line in front of him, which meant he never got his turn. They were doing it because they thought it was fun to see him get angry. Also, they found it a nuisance to wait for him to have his turn when once he got on the play gym, he was reluctant to get off (because it took him so long to get his turn!). The teachers did not realise, or care. They felt the play gym was no big deal, so he shouldn't have been getting so upset. What I wanted was for a teacher to supervise, just occasionally, to make sure that the kids were taught to play fair all the time. When kids learn that they can get away with being mean some of the time, it is actually bad for them and also bad for the others who are getting a raw deal. When kids learn to play nicely, it is win-win. Good habits lead to better habits and everybody is happy.</p><p></p><p>If you can, observe. If you can't, send a communication book along with him and get staff to write in it. All little stuff, too. You also write in it - anything possibly relevant, including how he is with his tonsils.</p><p></p><p>We found this level of communication gave us the clues we needed to find out what was really going on. The other thing we did, was cultivated 'spies' in other kids. I invited classmates round for play dates and I also listened in. When difficult child 3 was 5 years old, easy child was a teacher with the local dance school and often had kids telling her what was happening at school. I heard a number of things that TEACHERS had done to difficult child 3 (such as one teacher grabbing him by his sweater and dragging him along behind her). Of course when I reported my concerns the principal investigated and said it hadn't happened. But if never happened after that! One of my best spies was a regular playmate of difficult child 3's. He was a easy child kid who just happened to see something he liked in difficult child 3. Often when difficult child 3 had not realised he was being bullied (but was getting upset because things were not going right for him) or when difficult child 3 could not identify the kids who were bullying him, this friend was able to clarify the picture. I was very sad when this kid's family moved away.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 408809, member: 1991"] I agree. focus on rewards for the good days, and nothing for the bad days. A few things concern me. First, he is fine at home. But mostly, he is fine at aftercare. That is a similar environment to school - so why the difference? What are they doing at aftercare that they are not doing at school? Or possibly - what is happening at school, that is not happening at aftercare? If your child does not like change, that is interesting. Possibly very relevant. School is generally very structured, so he should be doing better there, not worse. Again - something is going on there, especially in the unstructured play, that is I suspect precipitating this. My theory - find out if he is either being bullied, or influenced by bullies. He could be attacking other kids for perceived (or real) slights or attacks. Once a kid gets a reputation, and especially once they get stirred up and have a shorter fuse than usual, problems happen. A solution - ask for playground supervision - a shadow. He says nobody is hassling him, but there still could be social hassles he is either unaware of or unwilling to talk about. if he is being stood over, he might have been warned to stay silent. For example easy child was sexually molested in the school playground when she was 5 years old. Her attacker was 7 years old. We never found out exactly what he did physically, but the emotional damage was severe. He had said to her, "I am going to have sex with you. it will hurt. Do not tell anyone of my father will come to your house and kill your mother by running her over with the lawnmower." That is all she could tell us about the event. It took us two years to find out. In that time she also had been showing problem behaviours. A kid who is socially inept, is also vulnerable to exploitation by other kids. difficult child 3 loved the school play gym and learned to patiently wait his turn. But the other kids would let their friends in line in front of him, which meant he never got his turn. They were doing it because they thought it was fun to see him get angry. Also, they found it a nuisance to wait for him to have his turn when once he got on the play gym, he was reluctant to get off (because it took him so long to get his turn!). The teachers did not realise, or care. They felt the play gym was no big deal, so he shouldn't have been getting so upset. What I wanted was for a teacher to supervise, just occasionally, to make sure that the kids were taught to play fair all the time. When kids learn that they can get away with being mean some of the time, it is actually bad for them and also bad for the others who are getting a raw deal. When kids learn to play nicely, it is win-win. Good habits lead to better habits and everybody is happy. If you can, observe. If you can't, send a communication book along with him and get staff to write in it. All little stuff, too. You also write in it - anything possibly relevant, including how he is with his tonsils. We found this level of communication gave us the clues we needed to find out what was really going on. The other thing we did, was cultivated 'spies' in other kids. I invited classmates round for play dates and I also listened in. When difficult child 3 was 5 years old, easy child was a teacher with the local dance school and often had kids telling her what was happening at school. I heard a number of things that TEACHERS had done to difficult child 3 (such as one teacher grabbing him by his sweater and dragging him along behind her). Of course when I reported my concerns the principal investigated and said it hadn't happened. But if never happened after that! One of my best spies was a regular playmate of difficult child 3's. He was a easy child kid who just happened to see something he liked in difficult child 3. Often when difficult child 3 had not realised he was being bullied (but was getting upset because things were not going right for him) or when difficult child 3 could not identify the kids who were bullying him, this friend was able to clarify the picture. I was very sad when this kid's family moved away. Marg [/QUOTE]
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