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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 532938" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Hi and welcome!</p><p></p><p>I'm also quite new here and my kids are already older, but here are few thoughts.</p><p></p><p>Rewarding really is the most efficient way to teach and change behaviour. It doesn't always work and with not everything, but it can be really efficient. But it is often hard work. You have to be timing it right, it has to be for small enough things and you have to be constant. I have done quite a lot of animal training and used also shaping method for them. At times it felt that there really was nothing in my difficult child's behaviour worth rewarding, but I was stubborn with it. If a dog or even a chicken can learn all those things with using shaping techniques, so the darn well could my son. And he did, at times. And it was most often more efficient than punishing him.</p><p></p><p>How does your reward model work? Are you asking five consequent star-worthy days for the bigger reward? Or is it so, that she will get a big reward whenever she gets those five stars collected, however long that may take? If you are asking five days in row, it may be too hard for her. Rewarding only works, if the task is not too easy or too difficult. If it is too easy, rewards can become meaningless and if it is too hard, kid will just stop working, because they feel they will never get it. If kid is never getting it right, the task asked is too difficult and should be divided to smaller pieces. If she can not behave whole day, you should probably try dividing a day to smaller pieces and giving her a star, if she manages to follow rules certain part of the day. And certainly you shouldn't require five star-worthy days in row to give a reward, if she is never accomplishing having that. And when getting it right starts to become a habit it is time to move on and start to work with the next behaviour on your list. </p><p></p><p>Rewarding and giving stickers don't always work with everything or with every children and there are behaviours you shouldn't even try them with (really dangerous ones and other absolute no-not otherwise specified) but when it works, it is an awesome method. So you shouldn't give up too easily even if it feels silly to reward for something you feel should be a self-evident. But unfortunately it doesn't help to say that something should be self-evident and every other kid knows how to master certain skill. If your kid is not mastering the skill, it is not self-evident for them notwithstanding how self-evident it may be to your other kid or neighbour's kid. My younger kid is the perfect child in a true sense of the word. I know many of his friends' parents are asking their kids why can't they be like my easy child (not the best parenting tactic but I think most of us have fallen for that at times.) Lucky for me, but it doesn't mean that my difficult child could master the same skills as his little brother just because easy child could even though he is three years younger. That was something I used to have a lot of trouble with. Somehow I easily ended up thinking that difficult child could do something because easy child could do it and if he didn't, it was a choice. Sometimes it was, but many times it wasn't. He just didn't know how to do certain things that came easily to his brothers. And I had to teach him. And sometimes he did learn and sometimes he didn't. But me being frustrated and thinking that he just should get it and it wasn't my job to teach him, didn't help a bit.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 532938, member: 14557"] Hi and welcome! I'm also quite new here and my kids are already older, but here are few thoughts. Rewarding really is the most efficient way to teach and change behaviour. It doesn't always work and with not everything, but it can be really efficient. But it is often hard work. You have to be timing it right, it has to be for small enough things and you have to be constant. I have done quite a lot of animal training and used also shaping method for them. At times it felt that there really was nothing in my difficult child's behaviour worth rewarding, but I was stubborn with it. If a dog or even a chicken can learn all those things with using shaping techniques, so the darn well could my son. And he did, at times. And it was most often more efficient than punishing him. How does your reward model work? Are you asking five consequent star-worthy days for the bigger reward? Or is it so, that she will get a big reward whenever she gets those five stars collected, however long that may take? If you are asking five days in row, it may be too hard for her. Rewarding only works, if the task is not too easy or too difficult. If it is too easy, rewards can become meaningless and if it is too hard, kid will just stop working, because they feel they will never get it. If kid is never getting it right, the task asked is too difficult and should be divided to smaller pieces. If she can not behave whole day, you should probably try dividing a day to smaller pieces and giving her a star, if she manages to follow rules certain part of the day. And certainly you shouldn't require five star-worthy days in row to give a reward, if she is never accomplishing having that. And when getting it right starts to become a habit it is time to move on and start to work with the next behaviour on your list. Rewarding and giving stickers don't always work with everything or with every children and there are behaviours you shouldn't even try them with (really dangerous ones and other absolute no-not otherwise specified) but when it works, it is an awesome method. So you shouldn't give up too easily even if it feels silly to reward for something you feel should be a self-evident. But unfortunately it doesn't help to say that something should be self-evident and every other kid knows how to master certain skill. If your kid is not mastering the skill, it is not self-evident for them notwithstanding how self-evident it may be to your other kid or neighbour's kid. My younger kid is the perfect child in a true sense of the word. I know many of his friends' parents are asking their kids why can't they be like my easy child (not the best parenting tactic but I think most of us have fallen for that at times.) Lucky for me, but it doesn't mean that my difficult child could master the same skills as his little brother just because easy child could even though he is three years younger. That was something I used to have a lot of trouble with. Somehow I easily ended up thinking that difficult child could do something because easy child could do it and if he didn't, it was a choice. Sometimes it was, but many times it wasn't. He just didn't know how to do certain things that came easily to his brothers. And I had to teach him. And sometimes he did learn and sometimes he didn't. But me being frustrated and thinking that he just should get it and it wasn't my job to teach him, didn't help a bit. [/QUOTE]
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