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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 398467" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>From my own experience of what has worked in your situation - if your son has a game with dad on his agenda, it would have been a good idea to make the time to play such a game. You negotiate ahead of time - "We only have half an hour, what game do you recommend that we can play in half an hour?" and play it. There are many easons to do this:</p><p></p><p>1) It was dad's birthday, and it was something nice that difficult child wanted to do, to spend time with his dad. It probably was the only way difficult child felt he could 'entertain' his dad and do something nice for him. difficult child terms, of course, but this is what you get with a totally egocentric difficult child.</p><p></p><p>2) On dad's birthday, it makes sense for dad to have more leisure time. Spending time with your kid is a good way to use your leisure time. </p><p></p><p>3) When a single-minded difficult child has his heart set on something, and it is not going to be a problem to give it to him, then the sooner you give it to him in good grace, the sooner you are likely to get that difficult child learn how to compromise with you and give you what you want later on.</p><p></p><p>The art of compromise is a good way to manage a difficult child. At first they will not understand compromise, which is why you have to start. These kids learn by experiencing it, by observation. Your behaviour towards him sets the pattern of behaviour he will learn to use towards you.</p><p></p><p>About playing games with your child - I use games with my son as reward. This means I have to make the time to play with him, but I have found to my surprise that these can be enjoyable times for us together. Doing something together with your child, especially if you start with something your child is passionate about, can be very special indeed.</p><p></p><p>A good example is in the book "Son Rise" about a father trying to connect with a profoundly autistic son. The little boy would spend hours spinning plates. So the dad got his own plates and sat on the floor beside the boy, and began to spin plates too. He knew if he touched the plates his son was spinning it would cause a tantrum, but by spinning plates beside the boy, the father was forming a connection. "We are doing the same activity." It introduced to the boy, the idea of "we" and "together". The next breakthrough came when one of the dad's plates began to spin slower, and the boy reached over and set it spinning again. it did not happen right away, I believe it took weeks.</p><p></p><p>You and your husband are going to need to be more self-aware. You acknowledge you both tend to be a bit impulsive and hot-headed - this is more likely to cause problems for you with difficult child. He needs you to maintain tight controls on your own moods and responses to his. Through you both applying the brakes to yourselves, the boy will learn to apply his own brakes. The current situation - the boy is learning to respond with anger and outbursts, because you do.</p><p></p><p>It's OK, it will turn around, but it's not always easy. We also had similar problems - husband still has a short fuse sometimes, and even when he is trying hard, can send the wrong message. Just raising his voice to call from the next room, can make husband seem like he's angry. I know him, so it doesn't bother me. But difficult child 3 still hasn't learned this about his father yet.</p><p></p><p>If you can, get your husband to lurk here or post here too. It will help you both and give you some points for communication.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 398467, member: 1991"] From my own experience of what has worked in your situation - if your son has a game with dad on his agenda, it would have been a good idea to make the time to play such a game. You negotiate ahead of time - "We only have half an hour, what game do you recommend that we can play in half an hour?" and play it. There are many easons to do this: 1) It was dad's birthday, and it was something nice that difficult child wanted to do, to spend time with his dad. It probably was the only way difficult child felt he could 'entertain' his dad and do something nice for him. difficult child terms, of course, but this is what you get with a totally egocentric difficult child. 2) On dad's birthday, it makes sense for dad to have more leisure time. Spending time with your kid is a good way to use your leisure time. 3) When a single-minded difficult child has his heart set on something, and it is not going to be a problem to give it to him, then the sooner you give it to him in good grace, the sooner you are likely to get that difficult child learn how to compromise with you and give you what you want later on. The art of compromise is a good way to manage a difficult child. At first they will not understand compromise, which is why you have to start. These kids learn by experiencing it, by observation. Your behaviour towards him sets the pattern of behaviour he will learn to use towards you. About playing games with your child - I use games with my son as reward. This means I have to make the time to play with him, but I have found to my surprise that these can be enjoyable times for us together. Doing something together with your child, especially if you start with something your child is passionate about, can be very special indeed. A good example is in the book "Son Rise" about a father trying to connect with a profoundly autistic son. The little boy would spend hours spinning plates. So the dad got his own plates and sat on the floor beside the boy, and began to spin plates too. He knew if he touched the plates his son was spinning it would cause a tantrum, but by spinning plates beside the boy, the father was forming a connection. "We are doing the same activity." It introduced to the boy, the idea of "we" and "together". The next breakthrough came when one of the dad's plates began to spin slower, and the boy reached over and set it spinning again. it did not happen right away, I believe it took weeks. You and your husband are going to need to be more self-aware. You acknowledge you both tend to be a bit impulsive and hot-headed - this is more likely to cause problems for you with difficult child. He needs you to maintain tight controls on your own moods and responses to his. Through you both applying the brakes to yourselves, the boy will learn to apply his own brakes. The current situation - the boy is learning to respond with anger and outbursts, because you do. It's OK, it will turn around, but it's not always easy. We also had similar problems - husband still has a short fuse sometimes, and even when he is trying hard, can send the wrong message. Just raising his voice to call from the next room, can make husband seem like he's angry. I know him, so it doesn't bother me. But difficult child 3 still hasn't learned this about his father yet. If you can, get your husband to lurk here or post here too. It will help you both and give you some points for communication. Marg [/QUOTE]
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