Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Sadgranny, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    Sorry but I'm new at this so please forgive me if I messed up. My oldest grandson is my problem. He is definitely smoking pot hubby found anti depressants in his room and straws in his truck. My question for right now is I am pretty sure the kid has ADHD. He was ALWAYS a problem but as far as I know NEVER evaluated. I feel guilty. He comes and goes as he pleases cause I'm a little afraid of confrontation with him. He is 19 years old can't hold a job rather spend time with his friends. He dropped out of school. How do I deal with this? His mom has mental health issues they live with me. Any advise or insights would be appreciated. I got in touch with social services hoping to have someone come to my home to help me but that never happened they did nothing for me. Thank you.
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    Glad you found us... it sorry you had too. Is it the pot or the fact he's an adult who can't keep a job? Does he have to live with you?

    What a antidepressants? Are they his? Sorry for the questions..but trying to see the situation.

    It is your home, so your rules. Are you afraid of him? If so you can call the police...especially if he has drugs on him. My guess...that might not be all he's doing.

    More will come along with better insight....stay tuned...

    Many hugs and support to deserve peace in your own home.
  3. Lisa Marie

    Lisa Marie New Member

    So sorry you are going through this. Straws are connected with using stronger drugs other than pot. Such as cocaine or even heroin for example. If you're not comfortable having him in your home, perhaps speaking with his mom about it so she can make other living arrangements would help. Think about seeing a counselor or going to an NAr Anon meeting to help with your issues. You may need police support to get him to leave so perhaps going to the station first and speaking with an officer will help. I hope you find solutions to resolve the issues you have.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can't be young
    He is 19. If he won't work or stop drugs and he scares you, it may be best to evict him. You deserve peaceful golden years and already did what you could. You do not need to talk to his mother. He is an adult. If he threatens you, call the police.

    There are community services he can access. But social services is for minor children. You need to make your own decisions about him...nobody will come out to talk to you about a legal adult
  5. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    First, thank you all for your responses. It is my guilt that drives me. I still see him as a fragile little boy. I also feel there is something mentally off with him, like adhd. I feel he got a raw deal in life with his mom having a mental disorder. I don't sleep at nights due to the fact that a few times I woke up and in the wee hours of the morning he had kids in my yard drinking!!! So I stay up to watch him like a hawk. His mom has a disability. If you don't mind I'll answer a couple of questions some one asked. The pills were not his that were found. I called elder abuse services the social worker said she could come by so he would see I have someone involved but that NEVER happened. I love this kid. Once we had a stupid misunderstanding and he destroyed an item of mines which made me feel strange towards him. It caused me to fear his temper. Also when he fights with his girlfriend on the phone he has punched holes in his bedroom wall and punched in on my washing machine. Most days I dread coming home from work. I like it when he stays with his girlfriend but that doesn't last long enough they fight and he is back again. He is constantly on the move. He can't stay still for too long. He has to keep moving. I dread getting THAT CALL. But so afraid it's coming. He couldn't afford his car insurance he thought me and my husband could help him out. I know he was driving high his truck would reek of pot. I know he drives he girlfriend's car and I worry so. It's like I'm watching him slowly drown and I'm not able to save him. I've tried talking to him but as ALWAYS he does what he wants. How do I let go of this guilt???? Can anyone relate? And at this stage in my life I'm tired. In most areas of my life the journey has been long and very difficult this just adds to an already hard situation. Thank you. Sweet dreams to you who are turning in at this time. Thank you again you don't know how much your responses mean to me.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a question.
    why do you feel guilty about him? You have not done anything wrong. He is not you. He is a young man now. Many people have some mental illness, including me. Why do you use the word guilt when he acts badly and uses drugs? You are not responsible for anyone except yourself.

    Even though you love him, as we all love them, we have the option of not allowing them to abuse us and to stick to the rules of our homes. We also have the option of allowing them to abuse us and break our rules and live with us. You know what you can handle.

    The only thing none of us control is our disturbed love one. It is 100 percent up to the person alone to get help and work on his issues to be a better person. We cant force them or help them. As long as you believe you have the power to help somebody who doesnt want help, you will feel inadequate and desperate and guilty about his choices. You will feel you are a part of them.

    We all need to come to the conclusion that we can not change somebody else no matter how much we love them. We would have no forum at all if love can heal. That realization is the only way to let go of putting their behavior on ourselves. It is often the only way we realuze that we deserve peace and happiness, even if they struggle. Our misery doesn't change or help them. It hurts us only and the stress csn kill us. Then what?

    I dont know your age, but I'm 63 and I have also had a hard life partly because of the mental illness. But I didnt break the law and I got help. It was a choice. I had no loving parents. From the time I turned 60 I decided its time to take care of myself. You need to reflect about what is right for you. Not whats right for your grandson because you dont know what is right for him. All of us actually do what we feel is right for us.

    There is no one answer. You may want to try an Al Anon meeting for face time encouragement and support.

    So sorry for your hurting heart. Believe me, we have all feel or felt it.
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2016
  7. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    Thank you somewhereoutthere your words rang true. I have taken all you said to heart. I do appreciate your advise please believe that. I am 62 years old. New wrinkle he has his now homeless girlfriend in his truck. We had this discussion with him about his other girlfriend not living with us so NO I am not going to enable this crap. I do not know how today will unfold. I must add another insight into MY life. I have a not so good marriage. If anything is wrong my "partner" will make it much much worse. Okay ENOUGH said. Thank you to my new friends. Peace to us all.
  8. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    Sorry one more thing I have looked up meetings for al anon or anything close to this type of situation the meetings are not at "good" times for me. I still HAVE TO go to work. I think being with others in this situation would benefit me. Maybe a Sunday meeting will become available. Again thanks and thanks for letting me go on and on...
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Please post as often as Needed....all of here are in or have been in crisis or pain.

    You know it can't go need support. Even a counselor perhaps could be available...some work offer them.

    Unfortunately...just. because his mother is ill, does not give him permission to do as he pleases. He needs help, you offer to help him find it, or he leaves. I am afraid he is not just doing pot...pot generally does not make you violent. His adhd you suspect could be meth or another substance. You can drug test him, or he can go to a clinic. I pray your husband agrees he cannot go on as it is, it is dangerous for both of you.

    Praying for your hurting heart....mof
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  10. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    Thank you mof. Again I appreciate your advise. I have had bad luck with therapists. One told me I should get a girlfriend and unload on her. One was so phoney I couldn't stand it. The last one was rushing thru our sessions cause of limited time due to my crappy health insurance. Then I tried elder abuse and figure this might be the answer they could swing by give me support but that didn't pan out. So be it. But again thank you. Take care of yourself.
  11. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    You have already received some really good advice here but I want to get a bit of clarification. Were the straws found in the husbands truck or the grandson's? If the grandson's and he's not working, how can he afford to drive? Ok, just saw that it is his truck but if he can't afford insurance then I'm assuming he can't really afford gas either.

    You will be much better off if you can see him for the man he is instead of a child. My wife, Lil, has this problem as well although she's gotten much better about it. The problem with thinking this way is that we all have the desire to protect little children from themselves. You can't do this with an adult and to try only makes them resent you and resist all that much more. My wife had to take all of the pictures of our son as a child out of her office. That helped, although she still sometimes tries to save him.

    I apologize if this sounds callous but so what if he got a raw deal? People get raw deals every day and most deal with it and live their lives like everybody else. He very possibly has a mental health issue passed on to him genetically from his mother. This is a reason and he has absolutely no control over having this issue. He's self medicating, violent, abusive, manipulative, insert whatever other negative actions of his here because HE CHOOSES TO DO THESE THINGS. Not yelling there, just trying to emphasize the point. With a very few exceptions such as schizophrenics, EVERYONE has the choice of what they will or won't do, how they will or won't act. We all use the phrase "So and so makes me so angry" but this isn't true. Nobody can MAKE us angry. We allow them to do so.

    I've worked in the Department of Corrections for 24 years now and I've seen a lot of people who got a "raw deal". Some of them were even inmates. Funny thing is, when you challenge those inmates who say they are like they are because they got a raw deal and ask why those hundreds of others who lived around you and grew up in the same basic circumstances DIDN'T turn to crime, they tend to shut up about the raw deal thing. Its all about choice.

    How long has he had the temper? If its been around most of his life then the substance abuse is only making it worse but if it didn't, then he's probably into substances much worse than marijuana. And realistically, the straw is very probably about a snorted substance. There are certain prescription medications that are snorted for a high. Anyone remember if any anti-depressants fall in this category?

    Anyway, you will get a ton of good advice from people on this forum. Just remember that the advice is coming from their personal experiences and may or may not be relevant to you. Take what you need and leave the rest. Oh, and since nobody has mentioned it yet it would be a good idea to review the article on detachment found here
    and just in case that link doesn't work, its at the beginning of the Parents Emeritus forum. Welcome to our little corner of the internet.
  12. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    I will never be able thank each and every one of you for responding. About the straws my hubby found them in grandson' s truck. The truck is OFF the road because he DOESN'T keep a job and could not keep up with payments. His bio dad was doing insurance with him. He wants me and grandpa to put him on our insurance we refuse to. I also found he takes my pens and makes straws from them. Can you stand part 2 of this girlfriend in his truck in my driveway? He just came to see me about her using the shower. I asked him when she is leaving. He wanted to know WHY I'm making a big deal outta this when she is in HIS truck, not, as he said, taking up any room. I persisted in asking WHEN he said it's his truck I said it's my driveway. He got ticked off and left. This happen last time and he gave me the silence treatment and broke my door reef. So just between us I'm upset and ANXIOUS. Now the funny part. I took the day off cause grandson (him) has to go for an MRI cause he broke his wrist playing basketball two weeks ago today. I feel if I let her in to use the shower then it's gonna be something else then more and more. He said he is trying to help her he can't even help himself. Sometimes he is almost funny when he tells me things. But seriously this sucks. I know I'm really taking advantage of all of you and I WISH that I didn't have to but I need to hold someone's hand. Thank you. I offered to give him a shelter' s number. He refused. So here I am dreading what may or may not be ahead. Now I need to tell you when I called elder abuse and explained my situation the social worker said YES we can help you. We can come by let him know we are involved. I went and did an intake she took ALL my information then I waited waited waited. Another incidence came up so I called left a message she got back to me later in the week wanted ANOTHER face to face cause she acted like this was NEW information. I had told her EVERYTHING. So I gave up on that service. Just wanted to get that off my chest. I just wanted the service she promised me. Thank you ALL again. I really look forward to your replies.
  13. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    Again one more thing. I notice his temper within the last few years.
  14. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    • Another note, of what I can figure out he does get work from time to time but his girlfriends buy him stuff and give him $$$$$. Sometimes I wonder if he is selling but I don't have ANY proof of it. Thanks so much.:group-hug:
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    If the temper started in the last few years then it is probably substance abuse related. With what you just said, the straws do indicate the distinct possibility of substances much more dangerous than marijuana. Ink pens are popular for one shot crack or meth pipes.

    Take it for what its worth, but my advice about the girlfriend is don't. If you give an inch, count yourself lucky if he only takes a mile. Something we still cant get across to our son is that until you are in a stable position, you can't help anybody. He still does it and it still causes him grief but its his choice.

    Read the article on detachment and remember, you're not taking advantage of us. You're leaning on us just like we all lean on each other, that's what we're here for.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Agree with Jabber.

    When we post it helps us to be being a form of journalizing our situation/journey also. At least it helps me a lot!
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    if you are afraid of him for any reason, in my opinion he should not be living with you and if this were me, the girlfriend would be off the property even if I had to call the police and/or my grandson was angry and threatened to leave and not come back (this will never happen. As soon as he needs something, he will be back).

    I am, in normal circumstances, probably too soft, but when it comes to drugs, lawbreaking, work refusal and refusal to follow reasonable rules, I get tough. In my opinion, it is good and healthy for us to demand respect and insist on those in our home also respect our rules. If they dont respect us, we are their doormats and useless to them and ourselves.

    Many people, including me at one-time, were or are afraid of our loved one's anger. I learned first hand that our fear gives others the power to abuse us and treat us like yesterday's trash. And if we are not respected, certain loved ones will takr advantage of that.

    I know we all walk our own paths. In the end, we have to be able to look at ourselves on the mirror. Do what you feel is right for your situation. It is good in my opinion that you are willing to consider other ways of doing this hard job.
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2016
  18. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    This is a full confession. This is my first time I have EVER gone public. I don't do Facebook or whatever is out there. Why am I telling you all this? Because I am a dummy with this stuff and if I make an error this is why. I needed to get this off my chest. I am playing around on my profile learning by error. So please forgive me I am a newbie. So I appreciate all your suggest
    Thank you. When I started reading your reply to me I felt like closing down. I digested what you said and again I must say it hit me hard. You are so right. My big problem is seeing him as that baby boy. You are right I was given a raw deal too but in my day you picked yourself up and moved on. I just want to again say thanks.
  19. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

  20. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    None of us are experts or think we are smart. We are just road worn....the more you educate yourself, the more you have what you need to fight for you.

    Drug users are master manipulator s....he knows he can sway you and prey on your weaknesses. It sad to look at your loved ones this way... it your not dealing with a sweet little boy...the addict has taken over.

    Keep will gain strength and get the peace you deserve. Hugs
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