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Newbie asking advice on how to deal with gambler son
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 529177" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Gambling can easily turn into an addiction. And as such, should be treated/viewed as you would any other addiction. It doesn't excuse his behavior, it simply explains it. He still makes the decisions. </p><p></p><p>The more you help him, the more you risk enabling him to continue the behavior. So you have to really think about any help you offer, as in Is it really Helping? If you control his finances, how does he learn to handle them himself? If say you help him cover a bill or lend him money because gambling caused him to go over budget.......is that really helping him, or just teaching him it's ok Mom will cover his back? And no, that part doesn't even have to involve gambling.........he could just blow it and have the same results. </p><p></p><p>Parental favoritism isn't just something that occurs in step situations. It happens often in bio families too. It's nothing new. My husband swore that his dad favored his brother and barely tolerated him. And honestly, while his dad wasn't mean to him.......yeah, it did sort of seem to be the case. And like you, his mom (wonderful woman), overcompensated and tended to spoil him to make up for it. Her intentions were pure and good. Only it became a pattern of behavior for the both of them. He'd not manage his money and blow it.......make a call to mom and she would "fix" it every time no matter how lame the reason. Worst still, husband's behavior only got worse with time.......and Mom was picking up the tab far far more than she should. Eventually, I put my foot down and put a stop to it. I made him confess to his mom he was blindly out spending money (taking it away from the family) knowing she'd pick up the tab. Then I told her that if she loaned him another dime he'd be on her doorstep because I would be filing for divorce. She stood by me and never loaned him money ever again. But it was ROUGH after that trying to teach a then nearly 50 yr old man how to NOT blow money like water and actually pay bills on time........ Trust me, that is NOT the appropriate age for someone to be learning those life lessons. ugh</p><p></p><p>Instead of controlling his money, maybe coming up with a plan to ease him into taking on the responsibility a bit at a time would be better. If he runs short of cash......oh, well, too bad you should've watched where the cash went. Natural consequences can be very helpful motivators. But he really needs to learn that now, not later. What if, god forbid, something happen to you? Then what would he do? </p><p></p><p>And your post is not whiny, hon. difficult children come in all shapes and sizes with a wide variety of issues.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 529177, member: 84"] Gambling can easily turn into an addiction. And as such, should be treated/viewed as you would any other addiction. It doesn't excuse his behavior, it simply explains it. He still makes the decisions. The more you help him, the more you risk enabling him to continue the behavior. So you have to really think about any help you offer, as in Is it really Helping? If you control his finances, how does he learn to handle them himself? If say you help him cover a bill or lend him money because gambling caused him to go over budget.......is that really helping him, or just teaching him it's ok Mom will cover his back? And no, that part doesn't even have to involve gambling.........he could just blow it and have the same results. Parental favoritism isn't just something that occurs in step situations. It happens often in bio families too. It's nothing new. My husband swore that his dad favored his brother and barely tolerated him. And honestly, while his dad wasn't mean to him.......yeah, it did sort of seem to be the case. And like you, his mom (wonderful woman), overcompensated and tended to spoil him to make up for it. Her intentions were pure and good. Only it became a pattern of behavior for the both of them. He'd not manage his money and blow it.......make a call to mom and she would "fix" it every time no matter how lame the reason. Worst still, husband's behavior only got worse with time.......and Mom was picking up the tab far far more than she should. Eventually, I put my foot down and put a stop to it. I made him confess to his mom he was blindly out spending money (taking it away from the family) knowing she'd pick up the tab. Then I told her that if she loaned him another dime he'd be on her doorstep because I would be filing for divorce. She stood by me and never loaned him money ever again. But it was ROUGH after that trying to teach a then nearly 50 yr old man how to NOT blow money like water and actually pay bills on time........ Trust me, that is NOT the appropriate age for someone to be learning those life lessons. ugh Instead of controlling his money, maybe coming up with a plan to ease him into taking on the responsibility a bit at a time would be better. If he runs short of cash......oh, well, too bad you should've watched where the cash went. Natural consequences can be very helpful motivators. But he really needs to learn that now, not later. What if, god forbid, something happen to you? Then what would he do? And your post is not whiny, hon. difficult children come in all shapes and sizes with a wide variety of issues. Welcome to the board. :) ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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