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Newbie asking advice on how to deal with gambler son
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 529210" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Thank you for your kind replies.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure, if letting him handle his finance all by himself is an option. First of, giving the power to handle finances to someone else is recommended both his therapist and also other professionals when it comes to gambling addiction. Idea is that together with self asked banns to the gambling sites and other places to gamble (son gambled only in web because he was under-age and it was illegal for him. He could not had been able to make it to live casinos but somehow manage to get to the websites) and anti-gambling software to your computer and timelocks in computer (if he feels a urge to gamble, he can lock his computer for certain time period and make it impossible to follow the urge for that time) it helps him avert relapses. Think of Antabuse for alcoholics. It also gives him time to learn other coping mechanics for feelings and situations he used gambling to manage. </p><p></p><p>In his case it was clear that there were two different main dynamics in his gambling. It was way to escape reality and handle difficult emotions and on the other hand it was plain neurological dependency. Gambling sites are planed to keep people gambling and him being under-age, late in neurological development for his age and having neurological structures he has, was almost sure case for addiction. So the long term plan is for him to work on with healthier ways to handle his emotions, learn to handle frustration better, gain better impulse control etc. Some are things time and brain maturation will help, others are things he is working with therapist. But for now it is also very important to keep him away from gambling. The more and longer he does it, more difficult it will be in future to not go back to it. Luckily the time he gambled was rather short (around half a year) but it was intense and he was quickly deeply addicted. After that he has slipped two times that I know (both under heavy stress.) Slips have been just few hours long and money spent has been small and he has been able to stop it to that and even confess it, but he does recognize how quickly he would be back to the situation he was. Which is kind of good.</p><p></p><p>When he left home, we had to help him financially. He was under-age and we were obliged by law to support him. We also promised his new team we would support him after he turned 18 to make it possible for him to survive. Now he has earned a raise big enough he can support himself totally. Him leaving outside of home was in fact much cheaper to us than supporting him at home (he is a big boy, who trains a lot. He also eats <strong>really</strong> a lot.) The whining about money got worse in this point, because a) it is his money b) not all of his money gets used. He is given what he needs and after paying for damages he caused before getting caught, there is more money than it's decided he needs for necessities. Whining has mostly been about needing little bit more to necessities and non-specific entertainment (movies, eating out, going out etc.) If he has a bigger specific purchase in mind, he can now look for it and ask that specific amount of money to use it (and show me a receipt after purchasing it.) That has not been a problematic part. </p><p></p><p>In fact I'm rather proud how he waited until he had paid the damages, saved for the emergency money and then saved for the nice bicycle he wanted and not a peep about the matter before the money was saved and he had found the bike. And how much pride he took of it (and how much relief it will be for the summer, when he doesn't have to sit all those hours indoors on exercise bike but can exercise outside.) In fact he did take his 'reduced circumstances' with much more grace than we ever thought he would. He really hasn't come and straightforwardly complained once about that. He has tiptoed on the line few times though, but backed off immediately after he has been reminded that it was his own doing. He used to have lots of very nice stuff (as I said he was spoiled) which he first sold to finance his addiction. After he had nothing to sell, he started to steal. Well anyway, then he left home, he had nothing nice left. We gave him things he needed, but it was not nice. My years old very cheap reserve phone, his dad's old, not used laptop, my old and out of use mp3-player, grannies old bike, that was older than my son (he was not old enough to drive then he left, so he needed something aside public transport and his feet to get himself from place to place etc.) We already presented him with a new laptop for Christmas because he had worked hard and done well a year at that point and we felt such encouragement would be good for him and show him he is regaining our trust and that by continuing in making good choices he can earn back the things he lost. But now I'm rambling again.</p><p></p><p>My point is, that while learning to handle his own money independently is a long term goal for him (though many gambling addicts can never do that), no one thinks, he himself included, that he would be ready yet. But maybe it would be a good time to look at other possibilities than me being the handling it. Not his girlfriend though, but maybe someone from his team or his agent. When we started this, he was minor and we were his guardians anyway, so it we were the clear choice at the time. But maybe it would be better for him now, if it would be more professional situation. Though at times his whining kind of reminded me of his younger brother, when he started kindergarten and had to sit still so long that it took all he had to be good at school and then he came home and was impossible. The difficult child has also had to give his all and little more to make it work there. Calling mum and having a temper tantrum just because it is so hard kind of fits to that logic.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 529210, member: 14557"] Thank you for your kind replies. I'm not sure, if letting him handle his finance all by himself is an option. First of, giving the power to handle finances to someone else is recommended both his therapist and also other professionals when it comes to gambling addiction. Idea is that together with self asked banns to the gambling sites and other places to gamble (son gambled only in web because he was under-age and it was illegal for him. He could not had been able to make it to live casinos but somehow manage to get to the websites) and anti-gambling software to your computer and timelocks in computer (if he feels a urge to gamble, he can lock his computer for certain time period and make it impossible to follow the urge for that time) it helps him avert relapses. Think of Antabuse for alcoholics. It also gives him time to learn other coping mechanics for feelings and situations he used gambling to manage. In his case it was clear that there were two different main dynamics in his gambling. It was way to escape reality and handle difficult emotions and on the other hand it was plain neurological dependency. Gambling sites are planed to keep people gambling and him being under-age, late in neurological development for his age and having neurological structures he has, was almost sure case for addiction. So the long term plan is for him to work on with healthier ways to handle his emotions, learn to handle frustration better, gain better impulse control etc. Some are things time and brain maturation will help, others are things he is working with therapist. But for now it is also very important to keep him away from gambling. The more and longer he does it, more difficult it will be in future to not go back to it. Luckily the time he gambled was rather short (around half a year) but it was intense and he was quickly deeply addicted. After that he has slipped two times that I know (both under heavy stress.) Slips have been just few hours long and money spent has been small and he has been able to stop it to that and even confess it, but he does recognize how quickly he would be back to the situation he was. Which is kind of good. When he left home, we had to help him financially. He was under-age and we were obliged by law to support him. We also promised his new team we would support him after he turned 18 to make it possible for him to survive. Now he has earned a raise big enough he can support himself totally. Him leaving outside of home was in fact much cheaper to us than supporting him at home (he is a big boy, who trains a lot. He also eats [B]really[/B] a lot.) The whining about money got worse in this point, because a) it is his money b) not all of his money gets used. He is given what he needs and after paying for damages he caused before getting caught, there is more money than it's decided he needs for necessities. Whining has mostly been about needing little bit more to necessities and non-specific entertainment (movies, eating out, going out etc.) If he has a bigger specific purchase in mind, he can now look for it and ask that specific amount of money to use it (and show me a receipt after purchasing it.) That has not been a problematic part. In fact I'm rather proud how he waited until he had paid the damages, saved for the emergency money and then saved for the nice bicycle he wanted and not a peep about the matter before the money was saved and he had found the bike. And how much pride he took of it (and how much relief it will be for the summer, when he doesn't have to sit all those hours indoors on exercise bike but can exercise outside.) In fact he did take his 'reduced circumstances' with much more grace than we ever thought he would. He really hasn't come and straightforwardly complained once about that. He has tiptoed on the line few times though, but backed off immediately after he has been reminded that it was his own doing. He used to have lots of very nice stuff (as I said he was spoiled) which he first sold to finance his addiction. After he had nothing to sell, he started to steal. Well anyway, then he left home, he had nothing nice left. We gave him things he needed, but it was not nice. My years old very cheap reserve phone, his dad's old, not used laptop, my old and out of use mp3-player, grannies old bike, that was older than my son (he was not old enough to drive then he left, so he needed something aside public transport and his feet to get himself from place to place etc.) We already presented him with a new laptop for Christmas because he had worked hard and done well a year at that point and we felt such encouragement would be good for him and show him he is regaining our trust and that by continuing in making good choices he can earn back the things he lost. But now I'm rambling again. My point is, that while learning to handle his own money independently is a long term goal for him (though many gambling addicts can never do that), no one thinks, he himself included, that he would be ready yet. But maybe it would be a good time to look at other possibilities than me being the handling it. Not his girlfriend though, but maybe someone from his team or his agent. When we started this, he was minor and we were his guardians anyway, so it we were the clear choice at the time. But maybe it would be better for him now, if it would be more professional situation. Though at times his whining kind of reminded me of his younger brother, when he started kindergarten and had to sit still so long that it took all he had to be good at school and then he came home and was impossible. The difficult child has also had to give his all and little more to make it work there. Calling mum and having a temper tantrum just because it is so hard kind of fits to that logic. [/QUOTE]
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