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Newbie asking advice on how to deal with gambler son
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 529612" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>What a complicated situation, I can see how it can be so stressful having these huge hopes and dreams (his, not that you are imposing them) and knowing he could accomplish them, but they are at risk due to his behaviors/issues. </p><p></p><p><span style="color: #333333">You said he "can be a jerk to others and still comes off too arrogant, especially when scared." My son is quite disabled and so to most people who actually know him this is obvious...he clearly does not have the ability to do much better at times....but he does this same type of behavior. he is aware enough that he would rather people think he was "cool" or "tough" than that he had fears and panic and disabilities. It is actually pretty sad, too bad they can't just be a little vulnerable and ask for help at those moments.</span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">Sometimes it is easier (at least for parents looking for help) when there is a more severe and obvious disability that you can do a medical test for, not that I would ever wish that on him but these kids who fall through the cracks can really suffer. I understand and admire you look at your part but please dont beat yourself up looking back on things, you did what you thought was best at the time. You had little support from people who could guide you with a challenging child and situation. I know I really depend on the outside perspectives to help guide me. Any one of the situations you/he faced could have caused significant challenges. </span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">I agree the girlfriend having control is a terrible idea. It could be a purely innocent and sincere attempt to help but even if she wanted to do well, she would be way out of her league if he had a set back and he needs to know that it would be selfish and unfair to put her in that position. It could have a terrible impact on his relationship with her if nothing else so maybe that alone would help motivate him to find another solution.</span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">(And hopefully he is not asking to do this because he really is slipping and knows he could manipulate the situation better if it was his girlfriend in charge of the money...sigh.)</span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">I was thinking of a dear friend in my life. He had an early diagnosis of ADHD and was gifted in most areas. His parents, on advice from therapists etc... encouraged him not to use his medications once older, said it was more for children etc. And there is research that when older the stims. especially do not for some people work as well. But for some people that impulse control continues into adulthood and they do need treatment of some kind. </span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">I took care of this boy from the time he was 7 and knew him through the beginning of college. He became overwhelmed and started using drugs to self medicate. He was friends with my sister/worked with her/...and told her a lot (she too has adhd, mild)... Sadly he committed suicide because he felt so ashamed and of course he was depressed.</span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">I certainly am not implying that your son would ever do that, just that since then I have met several adults who continue to struggle with those symptoms and it feeds into so many other problems. I know you said he never met criteria but that does not mean that the interventions used....the things to help with organization and impulse control would not help if he was motivated to learn. </span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">Just a thought, I could of course be totally off base but I think a parent's feelings about things are probably right and if you felt this is an issue, it probably is. </span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">Well, anyway, just wanted to let you know I read your post... and by the way if English is way down the line in language for you...well I would never have known! You write better than I do for sure! </span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333">Welcome and I hope you keep in contact, will be wishing wonderful thoughts for both of your children and for you too!</span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 529612, member: 12886"] What a complicated situation, I can see how it can be so stressful having these huge hopes and dreams (his, not that you are imposing them) and knowing he could accomplish them, but they are at risk due to his behaviors/issues. [COLOR=#333333]You said he "can be a jerk to others and still comes off too arrogant, especially when scared." My son is quite disabled and so to most people who actually know him this is obvious...he clearly does not have the ability to do much better at times....but he does this same type of behavior. he is aware enough that he would rather people think he was "cool" or "tough" than that he had fears and panic and disabilities. It is actually pretty sad, too bad they can't just be a little vulnerable and ask for help at those moments. Sometimes it is easier (at least for parents looking for help) when there is a more severe and obvious disability that you can do a medical test for, not that I would ever wish that on him but these kids who fall through the cracks can really suffer. I understand and admire you look at your part but please dont beat yourself up looking back on things, you did what you thought was best at the time. You had little support from people who could guide you with a challenging child and situation. I know I really depend on the outside perspectives to help guide me. Any one of the situations you/he faced could have caused significant challenges. I agree the girlfriend having control is a terrible idea. It could be a purely innocent and sincere attempt to help but even if she wanted to do well, she would be way out of her league if he had a set back and he needs to know that it would be selfish and unfair to put her in that position. It could have a terrible impact on his relationship with her if nothing else so maybe that alone would help motivate him to find another solution. (And hopefully he is not asking to do this because he really is slipping and knows he could manipulate the situation better if it was his girlfriend in charge of the money...sigh.) I was thinking of a dear friend in my life. He had an early diagnosis of ADHD and was gifted in most areas. His parents, on advice from therapists etc... encouraged him not to use his medications once older, said it was more for children etc. And there is research that when older the stims. especially do not for some people work as well. But for some people that impulse control continues into adulthood and they do need treatment of some kind. I took care of this boy from the time he was 7 and knew him through the beginning of college. He became overwhelmed and started using drugs to self medicate. He was friends with my sister/worked with her/...and told her a lot (she too has adhd, mild)... Sadly he committed suicide because he felt so ashamed and of course he was depressed. I certainly am not implying that your son would ever do that, just that since then I have met several adults who continue to struggle with those symptoms and it feeds into so many other problems. I know you said he never met criteria but that does not mean that the interventions used....the things to help with organization and impulse control would not help if he was motivated to learn. Just a thought, I could of course be totally off base but I think a parent's feelings about things are probably right and if you felt this is an issue, it probably is. Well, anyway, just wanted to let you know I read your post... and by the way if English is way down the line in language for you...well I would never have known! You write better than I do for sure! Welcome and I hope you keep in contact, will be wishing wonderful thoughts for both of your children and for you too! [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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