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Newbie asking advice on how to deal with gambler son
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 529902" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Thank you. </p><p></p><p>18 is considered a legal adult. But to be honest I'm not totally sure, if parents could have legal obligation to financially support their kids after that in certain situations. I think it may be so. And at least it is very much expected. Our kids start school late (at a year they turn seven) and there are many excellent reasons why they may take more than 12 years to finish. Compulsory part is only 9 years, but because we have very little jobs for unskilled workers and because 16-year-old not doing anything worthwhile is kind of very bad situation, in practise almost all the kids (much more than 90 %) also go and finish the next stage. And that may take 3 or 4 years depending their choices. And because it is quite common for kids to be kept one year back early in their schooling because some problem or other, immature kids whose birthday is near cut-off day put to school year late and kids taking those 4-year options after compulsory part of their schooling, our kids usually finish their schooling in the year they turn 19 or 20. And then there is military obligation for some of them (it takes up to year (most often less but depends and is not something kids can totally control by themselves) and they do have many weekends free during that time and need an permanent address and the place to go for weekends, that is most often their parents place.) So your normal course of action is, that kids live at home till 19 to 21 (to end of their schooling and military) and are more or less supported by parents.</p><p></p><p>Our son's school plan makes him graduate when he is 19 and we are okay with that and have always expected to support him financially at least until that. Things changed dramatically after he really screwed up. He left home, but we were still partly supporting him. Partly he supported himself. This continued after his 18 birthday, but now he is able to support himself fully and we are not giving him money in on-going bases. We do however buy him things at times (laptop for Christmas, IKEA-trip on my dime when he moved to new apartment lately, considering something bigger also for the birthday later this year.) Our reasoning in this is, that he is working hard and making progress and if he would be a easy child we would certainly do the same and more. For example if our easy child goes to university after he has finished high school (and military), we will more than likely give him some money in on-going bases to help with the rent and other expenses (tuition here is free and kids get the living stipend but in most cases it's not big enough to live with, summer and part-time jobs help, and often also parents if they have the means to do so.) </p><p></p><p>Handling difficult child's finances in practise means he opened a bank account only I and his dad have access. His salary goes there and his rent is paid automatically in correct date (that took us about 15 minutes to program for a year) and every week small amount is paid to his other account he does have an access to. With that he buys his food, gas and other daily things he needs or wants. He also pays those mostly with his debit card (which has no credit possibility) so if I want to, I can see he has used the money to those things and there are no payments to gambling sites or casinos etc. If he runs out of the money before the week is over, that is his problem. His other regular bills are also paid automatically and those that come only once or twice a year he sends to me and I pay them from his account. Situation now is, that his salary is big enough to pay all his expenses and some is left over for savings every month. Time wise this is not a burden. It takes me maybe a half an hour a month to manage this. The problem has been that difficult child has whined about that weekly allowance being too small and that has been emotionally taxing for me. He did promise to do better from now on and also try to find out, if he could find someone else to do the job if he feels he doesn't want it to be me. And he also agreed that I will have a veto in his choice (so it has to be someone I can also trust.)</p><p></p><p>Declining to handle his finances would be a problem for me. It would feel very unsupportive towards him considering this is something that is supposed to help him overcome his addiction and is recommended by his therapist and also other professionals. And the idea is not to bail him out from his mistakes but help him not to do them in the first place.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 529902, member: 14557"] Thank you. 18 is considered a legal adult. But to be honest I'm not totally sure, if parents could have legal obligation to financially support their kids after that in certain situations. I think it may be so. And at least it is very much expected. Our kids start school late (at a year they turn seven) and there are many excellent reasons why they may take more than 12 years to finish. Compulsory part is only 9 years, but because we have very little jobs for unskilled workers and because 16-year-old not doing anything worthwhile is kind of very bad situation, in practise almost all the kids (much more than 90 %) also go and finish the next stage. And that may take 3 or 4 years depending their choices. And because it is quite common for kids to be kept one year back early in their schooling because some problem or other, immature kids whose birthday is near cut-off day put to school year late and kids taking those 4-year options after compulsory part of their schooling, our kids usually finish their schooling in the year they turn 19 or 20. And then there is military obligation for some of them (it takes up to year (most often less but depends and is not something kids can totally control by themselves) and they do have many weekends free during that time and need an permanent address and the place to go for weekends, that is most often their parents place.) So your normal course of action is, that kids live at home till 19 to 21 (to end of their schooling and military) and are more or less supported by parents. Our son's school plan makes him graduate when he is 19 and we are okay with that and have always expected to support him financially at least until that. Things changed dramatically after he really screwed up. He left home, but we were still partly supporting him. Partly he supported himself. This continued after his 18 birthday, but now he is able to support himself fully and we are not giving him money in on-going bases. We do however buy him things at times (laptop for Christmas, IKEA-trip on my dime when he moved to new apartment lately, considering something bigger also for the birthday later this year.) Our reasoning in this is, that he is working hard and making progress and if he would be a easy child we would certainly do the same and more. For example if our easy child goes to university after he has finished high school (and military), we will more than likely give him some money in on-going bases to help with the rent and other expenses (tuition here is free and kids get the living stipend but in most cases it's not big enough to live with, summer and part-time jobs help, and often also parents if they have the means to do so.) Handling difficult child's finances in practise means he opened a bank account only I and his dad have access. His salary goes there and his rent is paid automatically in correct date (that took us about 15 minutes to program for a year) and every week small amount is paid to his other account he does have an access to. With that he buys his food, gas and other daily things he needs or wants. He also pays those mostly with his debit card (which has no credit possibility) so if I want to, I can see he has used the money to those things and there are no payments to gambling sites or casinos etc. If he runs out of the money before the week is over, that is his problem. His other regular bills are also paid automatically and those that come only once or twice a year he sends to me and I pay them from his account. Situation now is, that his salary is big enough to pay all his expenses and some is left over for savings every month. Time wise this is not a burden. It takes me maybe a half an hour a month to manage this. The problem has been that difficult child has whined about that weekly allowance being too small and that has been emotionally taxing for me. He did promise to do better from now on and also try to find out, if he could find someone else to do the job if he feels he doesn't want it to be me. And he also agreed that I will have a veto in his choice (so it has to be someone I can also trust.) Declining to handle his finances would be a problem for me. It would feel very unsupportive towards him considering this is something that is supposed to help him overcome his addiction and is recommended by his therapist and also other professionals. And the idea is not to bail him out from his mistakes but help him not to do them in the first place. [/QUOTE]
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