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Newbie at breaking point...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 309942" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We mentioned it to mercurybebe, I really want to emphasise - read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.</p><p></p><p>If you don't want to buy a copy, that's OK (because I'm not getting a cent out of promoting it!). There's some helpful discussion on the book in the Early Childhood forum, because the book is more applicable to older kids so in Early CHildhood they/we were discussing how to modify your approach to make it work for much younger kids.</p><p></p><p>You can also get the book out of the library. There are several editions. I've read two and found some interesting (and sometimes very different) stuff in both.</p><p></p><p>This could well be a useful way to handle the inconsistency your son is exposed to. We found in our family (and I've seen in other people's posts) that where you don't have everyone on board with this method, the person NOT on board suddenly becomes "bad cop" to the child.</p><p></p><p>I found it much easier. It's a system of working with the child instead of trying to use Parental Power to get them to do what you want. Our ultimate aim as parents is to get out children to be happy, productive, independent and responsible citizens. As parents we have a process we feel we must go thorough, in order to achieve this. But with some kids, the path may well work better if we go a different route. Independence, for example - with traditional parenting, this has to be earned. But with Explosive Child, it's one of the first things achild learns to use because with indepdnence they have a lot more feeling thta they are in control. This is really important for a kid whose world feels OUT of control and confusing. And there are ways to introduce control to a child that still allow you, the parent, to be really in charge. You give choices where it's not a problem for you to do so; you can even invent choices. Consisntency and honesty are needed, as well as respect. But you have to teach respect to the child by showing respect to the child, even if the child is being rude to you. As andwhen you can handle discussing a problem, you do so. But you back off BEFORE the child goes into meltdown. Choose your battles, limit the number of behaviours you're trying to change at any one time. It puts it back to a more manageable level, for you and for the child.</p><p></p><p>Example with a toddler - you don't try to do too much at once. If you want the child to learn to feed himself, but you also want to work on toilet training, you also want to work on the child saying 'please' and 'thank you' - you will find some areas suffer while other tasks are perfected. So with a toddler you should choose ONE of those things to deal with, at a time.</p><p></p><p>The most important thing is communicaiton - between yourselves, and between you and the child. Communication plus respect. Lead by your example and always try to work from the child's point of view. Children are egocentric, so if you begin with the child and how the child feels, you can lead back to how you want the child to behave. It is a work in progress. And what you do in your home can be consistent. If other homes are not consistent with your rules that is ThEIR problem. Your secret weapon will be teaching your son respect, by showing him respect.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 309942, member: 1991"] We mentioned it to mercurybebe, I really want to emphasise - read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you don't want to buy a copy, that's OK (because I'm not getting a cent out of promoting it!). There's some helpful discussion on the book in the Early Childhood forum, because the book is more applicable to older kids so in Early CHildhood they/we were discussing how to modify your approach to make it work for much younger kids. You can also get the book out of the library. There are several editions. I've read two and found some interesting (and sometimes very different) stuff in both. This could well be a useful way to handle the inconsistency your son is exposed to. We found in our family (and I've seen in other people's posts) that where you don't have everyone on board with this method, the person NOT on board suddenly becomes "bad cop" to the child. I found it much easier. It's a system of working with the child instead of trying to use Parental Power to get them to do what you want. Our ultimate aim as parents is to get out children to be happy, productive, independent and responsible citizens. As parents we have a process we feel we must go thorough, in order to achieve this. But with some kids, the path may well work better if we go a different route. Independence, for example - with traditional parenting, this has to be earned. But with Explosive Child, it's one of the first things achild learns to use because with indepdnence they have a lot more feeling thta they are in control. This is really important for a kid whose world feels OUT of control and confusing. And there are ways to introduce control to a child that still allow you, the parent, to be really in charge. You give choices where it's not a problem for you to do so; you can even invent choices. Consisntency and honesty are needed, as well as respect. But you have to teach respect to the child by showing respect to the child, even if the child is being rude to you. As andwhen you can handle discussing a problem, you do so. But you back off BEFORE the child goes into meltdown. Choose your battles, limit the number of behaviours you're trying to change at any one time. It puts it back to a more manageable level, for you and for the child. Example with a toddler - you don't try to do too much at once. If you want the child to learn to feed himself, but you also want to work on toilet training, you also want to work on the child saying 'please' and 'thank you' - you will find some areas suffer while other tasks are perfected. So with a toddler you should choose ONE of those things to deal with, at a time. The most important thing is communicaiton - between yourselves, and between you and the child. Communication plus respect. Lead by your example and always try to work from the child's point of view. Children are egocentric, so if you begin with the child and how the child feels, you can lead back to how you want the child to behave. It is a work in progress. And what you do in your home can be consistent. If other homes are not consistent with your rules that is ThEIR problem. Your secret weapon will be teaching your son respect, by showing him respect. Marg [/QUOTE]
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