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Newbie at breaking point...
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 309991" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>And if you needed a good reason to get a thorough diagnostic workup, a comparison of my post and Marguerite's should give it to you. We each interpret and see your difficult child's behavior through the lens of our own difficult child's issues and the things our family has found helpful.</p><p></p><p>I see a big potential for an underlying mood diagnosis, based largely on your report that one bio parent is bipolar combined with the behaviors you are describing. Marguerite sees the potential for an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis (diagnosis). We could both be right and your kiddo could have features of both but not really fit in either "category". Diagnoses are helpful in guiding treatment and as a short hand among professionals - Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) means issues with communication and social understanding are typical and can be expected with this child. Bipolar means wide variations in mood and executive function problems are what's most likely.</p><p></p><p>I described taking things away from our easy child/difficult child 3. This strategy does not work with difficult child 2. As Margeurite described, it would lead to even bigger melt downs and we know it won't work. So we do it with easy child/difficult child 3 but not her twin brother.</p><p></p><p>In the end you have to find your own way. You will have to tailor your approach to the unique situation you find yourself in with your difficult child and the family constellation you have. Books like The Explosive Child can and are incredibly helpful in giving you ideas to try and a framework for questioning your assumptions. But I can guarantee that some of the stuff they suggest just won't work with your difficult child. If it was only that simple...</p><p></p><p>Some things I think apply no matter what the diagnosis or issue. Things like learning to question your expectations and interpretations of behavior. Margeurite's example of abandoning things that just don't work. These are applicable to all children, difficult child's or within normal limits's.</p><p></p><p>But when you have a difficult child there's no wiggle room. You can't just ignore a failed strategy and make your kid do what you want by leveling big consequences. Instead you are forced to evaluate your goals and your beliefs about what's happening and then you have to think outside the box to make things work. And you have to keep faith with that child no matter what. What that means changes as the child grows - when he is older you will have to set limits that are much different than the ones you set now. That is what I mean by keeping faith. You keep your eye on the ball when he can't. You remember that one day he will be an adult but that he's not there yet.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are worried about your relationship surviving this. Our experience is that this is largely a matter of mutual will. You must be honest with each other when you are troubled and you must be committed to the relationship no matter what happens with your children. If you both want the relationship to survive and even flourish it will. We are living testament to that. If it helps, you may want to see yourselves as refusing to let your difficult child come between you. When he is grown and gone you will still have each other. Your relationship is separate from him and his problems.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 309991, member: 7948"] And if you needed a good reason to get a thorough diagnostic workup, a comparison of my post and Marguerite's should give it to you. We each interpret and see your difficult child's behavior through the lens of our own difficult child's issues and the things our family has found helpful. I see a big potential for an underlying mood diagnosis, based largely on your report that one bio parent is bipolar combined with the behaviors you are describing. Marguerite sees the potential for an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis (diagnosis). We could both be right and your kiddo could have features of both but not really fit in either "category". Diagnoses are helpful in guiding treatment and as a short hand among professionals - Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) means issues with communication and social understanding are typical and can be expected with this child. Bipolar means wide variations in mood and executive function problems are what's most likely. I described taking things away from our easy child/difficult child 3. This strategy does not work with difficult child 2. As Margeurite described, it would lead to even bigger melt downs and we know it won't work. So we do it with easy child/difficult child 3 but not her twin brother. In the end you have to find your own way. You will have to tailor your approach to the unique situation you find yourself in with your difficult child and the family constellation you have. Books like The Explosive Child can and are incredibly helpful in giving you ideas to try and a framework for questioning your assumptions. But I can guarantee that some of the stuff they suggest just won't work with your difficult child. If it was only that simple... Some things I think apply no matter what the diagnosis or issue. Things like learning to question your expectations and interpretations of behavior. Margeurite's example of abandoning things that just don't work. These are applicable to all children, difficult child's or within normal limits's. But when you have a difficult child there's no wiggle room. You can't just ignore a failed strategy and make your kid do what you want by leveling big consequences. Instead you are forced to evaluate your goals and your beliefs about what's happening and then you have to think outside the box to make things work. And you have to keep faith with that child no matter what. What that means changes as the child grows - when he is older you will have to set limits that are much different than the ones you set now. That is what I mean by keeping faith. You keep your eye on the ball when he can't. You remember that one day he will be an adult but that he's not there yet. It sounds like you are worried about your relationship surviving this. Our experience is that this is largely a matter of mutual will. You must be honest with each other when you are troubled and you must be committed to the relationship no matter what happens with your children. If you both want the relationship to survive and even flourish it will. We are living testament to that. If it helps, you may want to see yourselves as refusing to let your difficult child come between you. When he is grown and gone you will still have each other. Your relationship is separate from him and his problems. [/QUOTE]
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