Newbie-At the End of MY Rope!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sicktired, Feb 18, 2012.

  1. sicktired

    sicktired New Member

    My husband and I have 1 son together and 2 step sons - his. Our son is our problem. He was all good till 15 he was expelled from school for drugs and
    felony charge. We got his record cleared put him in private school for 2 years. He then returned to his high school. Continuallly causing trouble at home. Had a party while we were at work and almost burned our house down. Many, many other fiascos. Was then arrrested and charged with
    2 more felonies. He is 18 now so this stays on his record. The problems that we have had with him are to numerous to list. Needless to say complete heartbreak for me each and everytime. He has been in and out of jail several times, for burglary and theft. He is addicted to marijuana
    admittedly, well we found it in his room several times, and threw him out. This does not even come close to explain all that we have been through with him/the trouble he has been in.

    His half brother offered to let him stay with him and his family when he got out of state jail the last time. He got a job finally, but the he stole his brothers car while he was sleeping, and he attempted to steal beer from a store. Back to jail again. His brother kindly gave him a second chance.
    I received a phone call yesterday informing me that he and his brother's wife are currently together and she is pregnant with his baby! I was in shock. I said nothing, and haven't spoken to him since.

    I'll take any advise and or support. 4 yrs ago I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. My husband does has stated that he is through with him, and advised me to do the same, as the stress is literally killing me. My mother is currently living with us, but does not get the situation. She thinks
    the felon is the victim. Sorry, my anger is slowly taking over, after the day and a half of continuous crying.

    He is a habitual liar about everything. I'm beginning to worry that he may be a sociopath.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Sicktired,

    I am so sorry you are going through this and glad you found us. There are several of us here who have different but similar stories. We understand your pain and heartache.

    My advice is to continue to step back. Take care of yourself first and foremost. He is 18 and he is making his own choices... this is not your fault. Read what you can about detachment. It sounds like he has substance abuse problems as well as major conduct issues. So you may want to look at the substance abuse board as well.

    I would recommend going to a family or parents alanon group. They are focused on those whose kids have alcohol or drug problems (which it sounds like your son has) but a lot of what they help with is taking care of yourself and detaching. I know it has helped me immensely.

    My story has some similarities. I think my son probably ahs a personality disorder but he also has major substance abuse problems... he has been in trouble a lot... has a felony on his record etc. We currently had to let him stay on the streets in another state and refuse to give him money for food.... told him all we would help was with treatment (for SA) and he finally got admitted to a treatment place last night.

    So I do understand... it is heartbreaking... and yet really there is nothing more you can do.

    Where is his brothers wife in all this. Is she saying they are together? Or is this one of your sons stories? I would check out what is really going on with your step son.


  3. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I am so sorry that you are going thru this heartbreak with your son. I have an 18 year old son who is an addict, so I really do understand your pain. You are in a nightmare, and it is hard to think of anything else in a crisis like this.

    You have been given very good advice by Toughlovin. Please check out the posts at the substance abuse forum, and you will see that you are not alone with teens and drug problems. You can learn a lot of information just by reading other posts in this forum. I would also recommend that you read an excellent book called: Addict in the Family, by Beverly Conyers. This book will give you a lot of information about the self-destructive ways of an addict, and how drugs can change their complete way of thinking.

    I'm sure that others will be along soon with more advice, but please remember that you are not alone in this crisis. Keep posting, and try to stay strong. We are here to offer any support and understand we can give you.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the CD family. I am genuinely sorry that you are facing such heartbreak, disappointment and fear. He has been off track for at least three years. I'm sure you have done everything you knew how to do to change his course. Do check out the posts on Detachment and the Substance Abuse'll read that you are not alone and that other loving parents have had to detach for their sake and the sake of their difficult child.

    I hope you and your husband can sit down and fully discuss how you felt in the past and what you are feeling now. The parents who can get on the same page and respect each other's feelings really do have a huge advantage in surviving the stress and pain of substance abuse. Hugs. DDD
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Sicktired you have found the right place to be soothed and comforted by others in the same unsteady boat. I am so very sorry you are going through this. My story is different, however, the heartbreak of having a child who brings such pain and anger is the same. You are being given wonderful advice from other Warrior parents who've been in your shoes, and sometimes just knowing someone 'out there' truly understands your pain is enough to get you to the next step.

    As others have mentioned, but bears repeating, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, you didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you can't change it. He is now an adult and responsible for his actions and the consequences of those actions. My heart goes out to you and to your family, you are in a tough situation which stretches everyone to the max and offers little hope, I understand what that feels like. Your anger is absolutely justified, no apologies necessary, of course you're angry, and hurt and disappointed and frustrated and in so much pain. We know. Please take care of yourself, get support from others, be kind to yourself as you walk this strange and bumpy path, follow the good advice from those who've been in your shoes. God bless you and your family. We are all very glad you found this site. Hugs to you.
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    WOW! 15 seems to be the age that our male children just fall apart. You can't live their life for them and you cannot control what they think or doe. If we could, we would all have perfect children.
  7. sicktired

    sicktired New Member

    Thank you wise warrior and the other posts. It does so help to just be able to vent and know that someone does understand! God bless each and everyone you.
    My difficult child told me that his brother does not know, and that the wife was writing him a letter. Based on what I witnessed the few times we did all get together (hind sight 20/20) times in past few months. I can believe what he told me. She is due next month. We of course believed that difficult child's brother was
    the father. I'm very concerned what will happen next. I know from experience (which I'm quite sure that all of you do also) to expect the unexpected when it comes to the difficult child.

    Thanks and HUGS to all!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    So sorry you've been going through so much with your difficult child.

    in my opinion your husband is correct. Unless son commits himself to getting treatment for his drug/alcohol use, it's time to detach and stay that way. Any "help" offered in the meantime will pretty much make it take longer for him to reach the point where he wants to seek treatment.

    Sit down and try to draw some boundaries for yourself concerning difficult child (for him too) that you can live with, are sure you can stand firm with. It helps if you can pre think possible future situations and how you might handle them if faced with them. Like say difficult child becomes homeless.........can you stay detached from that, or will you be pulled by your heart to help in some way, if so how far? ect.

    Al anon can be a great resource for support. A therapist for yourself may help, can be great to have an objective outsider to pour your heart out to and give you honest feedback.

    Welcome to the board. Glad you found us. :)
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry it took me a bit to answer you because I read your post, had to think about it before I answered it. Oh and welcome to our little corner of the universe by the way.

    I am the mother of three boys and I simply cannot imagine how our family would would handle this situation. Oh we have dealt with more than our fair share of difficult child behavior and my boys have helped each other out and had things done to one and other by the youngest which is our biggest difficult child but I really cannot imagine what would happen if any of them if your situation happened. At one point we thought my youngest's baby's momma was attempting to put the moves on my middle son but he shut her down so quick it wasnt funny. She was a cheater though from the word go however but we couldnt get my son to see it. None of my boys would have ever done that to each other no matter what the girl would do...thats just the simple matter of the fact.

    You are going to be in a horrible position because no matter what, this baby will be your grandchild. Doesnt much matter if its by your difficult child or your son that was cheated on but I think it will make a difference in how you think about things. How on earth can it not? If the girl gets dumped by her husband, I doubt your difficult child will have the ability to get together with her at his age and support her. Chances are very high she ends up alone to raise the baby and moves on. That will probably make it hard for you to have a real relationship with the baby. I would be very leery about connecting with this baby until you see how things are going to work out because having a grandchild ripped from your life is a very difficult thing after you have become attached to it.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know this is not the important factor in your post so please realize I am not trying to minimalize your pain. My heart goes out to you.

    on the other hand I'm wondering how paternity could be defined. Seems as though your son would have had a "light bulb" moment if he wife became pregnant and they had no intimacy. Since your difficult child is an accomplished liar isn't it quite possible that he has just talked her into believing "they" created a baby. Couldn't it just be a power play on his part?

    Again, I know this isn't the major cause for concern but I was thinking about it and it dawned on me that the announcement likely can't be fact based at this time. Either way I hope the baby is healthy and both your sons manage to survive this stress. It's all so sad and I am sending caring thoughts and hugs your way. DDD
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Somehow I totally missed the baby part. DDD makes a good point there. It's going to be rough as far as that grandchild is concerned. I'm sorry for that, grandchildren should be a blessing and only a blessing. Of course when there are difficult children involved, it doesn't always work out that way.

  12. sicktired

    sicktired New Member

    Thanks to all so much for the support!! I am so worried and so confused but, the one thing I do know for sure is anything is possible when it comes to my difficult child. In the past some of the things that he has pulled, if they weren't so devastating would have almost been comical. Not to seem in the least bit flip. You just get to the point of exhaustion. Becasue one the thing for sure is, it just never stops. How much relentless heartbreak can a human being take. Not to make myself the victim, but wiith my current health condition, life just seems so hopeless. I'm currently on zoloft and have had counseling last year. My therapist put my therapy on an as needed basis. I mentioned this to my husband and he was unresponsive, as he just recently has had an unwanted transfer at his 29 yr. job, and is dealing with extreme work stress along with long hours along with grieving the recent loss of his father and of course the difficult child! I know we are not alone as everyone here has their difficult child on top of an already stress filled life. I'm sorry- just want to vent. I know giving up is not an option. I just trudge through most days. Just feeling excessively down today. The support and advice that I have received here has been so comforting, much needed and extremely appreciated! I feel like I now have a literal life support. I already feel better. THANKS so much, and HUGS to all!