Newbie, Back Story

[susiestar]

It sounds like you have a really good handle on what he needs. Hopefully his mom follows through, esp since her new hubby doesn't want to continue with the fighting. It would be good to check for any laws about grandparent's rights. Some states have laws for this, some don't. Here is a site that describes the laws in Tennessee, but it is in legalese.

http://www.parentsrights.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=315&Itemid=32

Getting slapped with a court fight over grandparent's rights is NOT going to be fun, so make sure you are prepared.

For a neuropsychologist you should try a teaching hospital or a children's hospital. It may take some calling around. Try a google search first, would by my suggestion.

Risperdal can work very well. It seems like he is on a low dose, and that it is working! That is wonderful. It made quite a difference in my son. Not as dramatic as when we first tried adderall, but still noticeable. Risperdal is also used on an "as needed" (aka prn) basis. You might ask the psychiatrist if you can give it that way if he ever has a big meltdown. Not on a daily basis, but for those times when he is throwing chairs or hitting, the really out of control times. I think they even make risperdal in those fast acting melt in your mouth versions. Those are easier than trying to get a violent child to take medications.

It is wonderful that he is motivated and eager to earn points to get a new toy. Just be careful that the rewards don't get too big or expensive. Also be careful that he isn't getting points for everything. There need to be things a child does just because he is part of the family, NOT because they get rewarded. Many here have run into those problems with our difficult children. At one point my son demanded points for eating a meal. He even tried to get us to agree to give him points for breathing!! ROFL we said no, go ahead and stop. He couldn't stop argueing at us (not with us because we went on with our usual activities) long enough to hold his breath for 15 seconds!!!

It seems he is settling in with you, feeling more comfortable, and that is a great thing to see.

 

[Lothlorien]

I've had a good result with Risperdal.

It sounds like you son was dealing with an adjustment disorder and your ex began abusing him, mentally and messing him up even further. Hopefully, after she's not really in the picture and the grandparents aren't around (hopefully, you will be there through the entire grandparent visit, since they appear to be part of the problem) and some intense therapy, he will settle down and he won't need medications. I suspect the problems all related to his mother and all the nonsense that was happening.

As far as the reward system.....reward him for listening to your wife and taking instruction from her. Baby steps are needed here; it's going to take some time.

 

[w_woody]

I took D to his supervised visit yesterday. I kept my distance staying within earshot and visual range during his entire visit. I guess I should have taken notes to pass along to his counciler. I noticed a few things, he spent a great deal of time interacting with his maternal grandmother and at one point (they gave him a mylar balloon on the end of an 3ft plastic stick) I saw him lash out aggressively at his grandmother strking her with the balloon. They simply shrugged it off, basically ignoring it. I started that direction to ask what happened but they had went about their business with his small birthday party and my father who was with me told me to leave it alone that I didn't want to upset him by causing a scene then and there.

I guess I should have called it quits right there but I wasn't entirely sure I had seen what I saw until I spoke with D after the party.

He admitted striking his gm but wouldn't say what for. I saw no precursers to the event I just saw him lash out.

Today, it's like we are seeing the old D again. Very hostile toward my wife, telling her he didn't have to listen to her while I wasn't around, getting agressive and throwing things (which we confiscated) and it's the exact same behavior we saw from him when we would get him before on weekends. He lost his allowance for today because we placed throwing things on the board to concentrate on trying to eliminate that behavior. We had noticed a remarkable change with D over the last few weeks but it's like after his visit yesterday he was back to his old self this AM.

This afternoon however we started to see an improvement and he seemed to fall back into his regular routine. I'm concerned this is a clear sign that there are some unresolved issues in his mother's home with his grandmother that need to be addressed. I'm not sure what to about it. I'm going to mention this to his counciler and see if she can focus in on what these issues may be.

His mother had suggested unsupervised visitation being allowed but I'm reluctant after what I've seen over the last 24 hours...it's very upsetting to me that his progress very quickly went out the window after the visitation yesterday.

D very rarely mentions his mother. When he has asked to call his maternal family (which I have allowed and encourage) he's always asking about calling and talking to his gm not his mom. There seems to be a wide distance between D and his mom, I have always sensed a power struggle going on between his mom and his gm over whom has authority. I think this may be part of the problems D's had. I have been reading everything I can when it comes to D's problems from info on ODD and childhood Bi-Polar to the recommendations everyone here has made. Yet I have suspected that he might actually have Reactive Attachment Disorder...which seems to carry almost all the signs and symptoms of ODD and other mood disorders but comes from his failure to form a maternal bond with his mom. Like almost all children do. His mom took care of D for the first 9 months of his life before she finally returned to work, but during that time as soon as I came home it was like "here...it's your turn." Then after she returned to work D spent most of his time with me...for the next 3 years while his mom worked 2nd and 3rd shifts. I was in charge of keeping him up late so she could sleep in after working, then I would get up and go to work early, come home before she left for work, which meant D and her where only up together for a few hours, and I was back in charge. She insisted that he not go to daycare. Then after she left he was staying with his maternal gm and girlfriend, then his mom moved out and in with her gm, then d moved in with his great gm and mom, then back to his maternal gm and girlfriend, and then I was allowed unsupervised visitation again, and it was back with me on weekends, and then back to gm and girlfriend through the week and he never knew when his mom was or wasn't living with him. I mean it's almost as if he was being moved around so much, so much instability, he was just like a foster kid...never knowing where home really was...and after being seperated from me after spending so much time with me...but I don't know.

I'm not a Dr...i'm working on finding him a neuropsychologist now...and we're going to start a new week with the allowance board...he earned 5 dollars this week so he's actually done really well only missing 2 days worth of cash. Hopefully this week he can make the whole 7.

 

[TerryJ2]

NO UNSUPERVISED VISITS!!!! You are right to sit there, but keep your distance.

I think your guess about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is as good as any. I tend to agree with-you.

Definitely tell the counselor.
Poor kid. He's like Gumby, being stretched in all directions.

 

[susiestar]

You need to write down what you observed on the visits, and the behavior at home in the evening and the next day. There will be a lot of things to record. I suggest trying to take a few minutes every day to write an email to yourself with how things happened. Posts here are not kept forever, but if you post here about things that happen you can cut and paste the post into an email and send it to yourself. When you go through your email you can simply put these all into a folder and print it out when you need it.

I agree with Terry - No unsupervised visits. I would limit the visits with the grandparents, esp if he keeps regressing after each visit.

I do NOT agree that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is likely. Many times things can seem like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but they are not. Many kids on the autistic spectrum are mistakenly diagnosed with this. It was considered for my son because he had the horrific experience of waking up during a urinary operation. He certainly was traumatized, but he was NOT thrown into Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

It is likely that he may have an attachment disorder, but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is the most severe and only a tiny fraction of children develop it. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) should only be considered after EVERYTHING else is ruled out.

Give D a hug for me. It sounds like the grandma was really putting pressure on him. Maybe in a day or two he will remember why he lashed out at Gma. Just don't pressure him about it.

 

[BusynMember]

Sorry about the bad visit for your child.

I don't think it's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) either though. He was always with family members and his needs were tended to...Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is supposed to be considered only after everything else is ruled out. I think the neuropsychologist is a great idea.

One thing to caution about: Just because a child doesn't talk about a bio. parent doesn't mean he doesn't miss her or want to be with her. In a few cases, where kids who had been illegally adopted, were abruptly taken from their homes (and the only parents they ever knew) to be with their birthparents, both times the birthparents said the child didn't say anything about thier old family. Both seemed to think that it meant that four years of life with people who loved them just disappeared. In fact, the kids were likely traumatized and were afraid to say anything because they picked up that their new parents didn't want them to talk or ask about them.

This boy still loves his mother with all his heart. Even kids who are badly abused love their parents (I was a foster mom). Part of his problem with your wife is probably that you married her instead of Mom. It may not be logical to you, an adult, and I'm sure your wife is a nicer, more stable person than his mother, but she's not Mom. I was always shocked at how these kids loved Mom even if she beat them. I think intensive counseling is a good idea because in my opinion you have a kid who has been through a lot and only he and his therapist can sort it out and get his mind clear so that he can progress and grow and get over his anger. in my opinion he also needs to be diagnosed. He could very well also have a childhood disorder.

Good luck.

 

[busywend]

I had to 'retrain' my difficult child after coming home from her dad's every other weekend. There was nothing bad going on there, just different parenting styles. I think it is OK if you see the rebound pretty quick from the visits.

 

[Mandy]

It's good that you are getting in to see a neuropsychologist! My difficult child also does not do well after a weekend with- his biodad but I think it is more to do with the change in his routine. He does not handle changes very well and becomes very aggressive a few days after his visit. Unfortunatly that is every other weekend.

 

[TerryJ2]

Has he calmed down yet? I hope this week is better.

 

[w_woody]

D's kind of hard to explain. He's actually very pick and choose when it comes to whom he'll listen and follow directions from.

Sunday after his visit with his mom, it was like the same old D was back in our house. Very defiant, aggressive, and lashing out at my wife. With me he was the same as he always is, it's just he lashes out at me when I intervene with the conflict between him and my wife. Usually he'll comply when I ask him to do something, but refuse if my wife asks him to do the same thing. He's even bad to tell her, "My daddy can't see me, (or hear me)...My daddy's not here...etc."

He's been back to his aggressive tendencies all week, but only when my wife is home. She was off from work today (I'm stay at home with the kids because I'm laid off as a home designer, and right now...nobody wants a new house.) It was on from early this morning. He threw a small notebook at my wife and hit our 2 year old easy child and put a small scratch on her face. I wasn't in the room at the time. The truth is I'm not seeing most of these acts...he intentionally waits until I'm out of the room. I've had to hide from his visual range to see most of these things and hear him saying the things he does.

He's directed his aggression directly at my wife. I sat down with him and tried to talk to him about it this am, I told him to tell me how it makes him feel when she comes around him and he said he wants to hit her, throw something at her, etc. I asked him if he felt mad at her. He said yes, but when I asked if he knew why he was angry at her and he shrugged and said "I don't know."

Prior to the visit this aggression had toned down and almost dissappeared toward my wife. He had been making a solid effort to not act in this fashion. Yet immediately after his visit it was business as usual.

A year or so ago we thought it had something to do with our marriage, (his mom wouldn't let him attend) or the birth of our other easy child's. There was even the possibility that his mother had been telling him things that wheren't true about my wife. For the longest we thought he was specifically targeting my wife. Yet, last year as soon as I was able to get in contact with my school, he was doing the exact same things toward his teacher. When the teacher would work with the class teaching some new task, he would follow along. When she gave an assignment and worked it through with the class...he would follow along. When she gave him a worksheet to assess his ability to do the task on his own...he would shut down and refuse to complete it. It was like he lacked the initial self confidence to commit to doing what he had already demonstrated he could do. When the teacher would push him to try, he would lash out. Yet the teacher kept at him, making copies of the sheets and would keep at him to complete them...which he eventually would and she would grade it and he would pass. He's made excellet grades in school. A's and B's. He does exceptionally well in math.

These outbursts in class toward his teacher (whom he spoke highly of, and even told the principle he loved) was what prompted the maternal gm, bc D's mom said she couldn't control him, to go and sit with him in the classroom for the last 2 months of school. Her way of dealing with D when he began a meltdown by refusing to complete the work was to come up and drape her arms around him, console him, baby talk to him and try and walk him through the task. The teacher commented on how this seemed to make D want to hug and cuddle on his GM throughout the class. D told me that 2 other children in the class wanted to "Earn" having someone come and sit with him.

The counciler's have video taped one of these meltdowns and he refused to even go along with his GM and tried to run out of the class room one of the tatics he would use to try and escape the task, she grabbed hold of his arm and they got into a smacking match in the middle of the class room. The teacher commented that his GM helped her because she no longer had to deal with the violence, but that when GM wasn't in the class room it was business as usual.

It points to a pattern of not recognisng female authority. It seems he has less of a problem complying with male authourity, but when a female is in charge he becomes combative.

D's been really doing well with the allowance chart. He's working hard at completing the tasks. I got him a grade 2 level workbook from the store and have added it to the task list this week, and he's doing rather well in it. Again he's excel's at the math and lags with the language but he's putting fouth a solid effort to do it without any meltdowns. I had hoped that this would encourage him to complete his work at school, because I'm trying to make him do it on his own as much as possible, only helping him when he really has trouble so that he's learning to take that initial step, teaching him to say to himself, "I can do it." I'm also not "grading" any of it, I'm checking it for accuracy with the directions and when he's not followed them I'll erase the work and get him to re-read the directions, make sure he understands what he needs to do and then let him go at it again.

It's just difficult trying to sort through his behavior and find a positive way to correct what's going on when a majority of the issues he's having aren't with me, done to me, or even around me. wife has had a difficult time and she has tried some of the things I've asked but we are of 2 minds on the whole issue as to how to handle it and we've butted heads as much as D and I have.

 

[nvts]

Hey Woody! You're probably going to have to start a new thread! My mottled brain can't keep up (I avg. about 3 hrs. of straight sleep a night - 6 month old "teether" and insomnia - lovely combination, gotta tell ya!) with the different developments.

Has anyone mentioned Asperger's Syndrome to you? I see so much of my difficult child 1 in your son, it's scary.

I'd also like to suggest something here. I would get him tested for learning disabilities. Many many many of our kids are extremely bright so they don't have anything "obvious" when it comes to read/write disorders. They excel in Math because it's concrete. They manage to wing it when it comes to language because at this age so much can be committed to memory, but when it comes to actually reading, digesting and performing on a worksheet the issues become obvious to THEM so they act out or get belligerent or meltdown. They basically feel stupid, so to take that bad feeling away, they distract you from seeing it.

Hope I don't offend, it's just that I've been screaming for help for difficult child 1 in this department and all it took was to have someone read the stuff to him and he's very quickly catching up with his academics. Now I'm fighting the Dept. of Ed. to get him services to help him do it on his own - we're talking the end of 5th grade - nothing like lost time! I don't want your little guy to suffer unnecessarily!

Beth