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Newbie--"bad mom" syndrome
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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 313028" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>At this point, I'm not accepting her phone calls at all, and I think she has at least temporarily figured that out and stopped calling. Besides the fact that she and I have not for some time been able to have a conversation that hasn't become emotionally charged, I don't think I'll ever find my way out of the emotional tangle if I continue to talk with her. I even TOLD her that I can't talk with her for a while because I have a lot of grief work to do, but that I do love her very much. She, of course, doesn't buy it--preferring as always to write me off as an awful mother so she can present that "victim" front that seems to be her favorite--but that's as honest as I know how to be.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know how long this should be my position, but I'm just hoping I'll know when the time is right to crack the door. I don't think ever allowing her back in the house is an option. I've told her any get-together would have to be more like I would arrange a possibly "bad date." Neutral location where I would be able to leave if things got ugly. I feel very vulnerable in my house, and I also feel that when she chose to become consistently abusive, she chose to lose the privilege of entering my house, once I was able to get her out of it.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know how far "out" this puts me in relation to members of this forum. I've read a lot of posts with an "open door policy" theme, and I don't have one. I HAVE told her that I love her but that I cannot ever again live with her, and that the most I could do, IF she treats me decently at some time in the future, would be to offer a little help financially in keeping up her own place.</p><p> </p><p>As for the phone calls, I know that if she is determined to reach me, I will eventually get "caught." I will either forget to check the caller ID, or she will call from a different phone. I like the line in the archives, where the plan is to act as if the line has too much interference to hear anything. When I told my friend about it last night, she suggested some fingernail scratches on the receiver in conjunction with that, and then did it to show me. It really does sound like genuine static. I think that will be my plan.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, no phone contact for an indefinite period of time. So far, even text messages have become nasty, with her accusing me of things I didn't do and just generally being hateful. There may be "trouble in paradise" already.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 313028, member: 8226"] At this point, I'm not accepting her phone calls at all, and I think she has at least temporarily figured that out and stopped calling. Besides the fact that she and I have not for some time been able to have a conversation that hasn't become emotionally charged, I don't think I'll ever find my way out of the emotional tangle if I continue to talk with her. I even TOLD her that I can't talk with her for a while because I have a lot of grief work to do, but that I do love her very much. She, of course, doesn't buy it--preferring as always to write me off as an awful mother so she can present that "victim" front that seems to be her favorite--but that's as honest as I know how to be. I don't know how long this should be my position, but I'm just hoping I'll know when the time is right to crack the door. I don't think ever allowing her back in the house is an option. I've told her any get-together would have to be more like I would arrange a possibly "bad date." Neutral location where I would be able to leave if things got ugly. I feel very vulnerable in my house, and I also feel that when she chose to become consistently abusive, she chose to lose the privilege of entering my house, once I was able to get her out of it. I don't know how far "out" this puts me in relation to members of this forum. I've read a lot of posts with an "open door policy" theme, and I don't have one. I HAVE told her that I love her but that I cannot ever again live with her, and that the most I could do, IF she treats me decently at some time in the future, would be to offer a little help financially in keeping up her own place. As for the phone calls, I know that if she is determined to reach me, I will eventually get "caught." I will either forget to check the caller ID, or she will call from a different phone. I like the line in the archives, where the plan is to act as if the line has too much interference to hear anything. When I told my friend about it last night, she suggested some fingernail scratches on the receiver in conjunction with that, and then did it to show me. It really does sound like genuine static. I think that will be my plan. Meanwhile, no phone contact for an indefinite period of time. So far, even text messages have become nasty, with her accusing me of things I didn't do and just generally being hateful. There may be "trouble in paradise" already. [/QUOTE]
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