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Newbie--"bad mom" syndrome
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 313262"><p>Dear EB,</p><p>My heart goes out to you. You have a lot going on and a lot on your mind. However, you sense strongly that you need to think about this differently and you need to go about this differently for your own good mental and physical health and the reason why you sense this is because you are right on the money. </p><p></p><p>Your situation is a little complicated due to the young age of your daughter. However, since she is married, legally she is emancipated. And, if nothing else, all her choices indicate a young woman who needs to learn life lessons the hard way.</p><p></p><p>What you feel is loss and grief. I am very sorry. This is difficult and normal. You must get help for yourself to get past this. You must have faith that in time things will get better. It is highly unlikely that you will be part of this change for your daughter, especially at this time. Leave the door open for therapy for her if she is willing to do the work....but don't force her and don't sit there and count the days. It is what it is. It is painful, it is unfortunate, but life moves on.</p><p></p><p>You need to keep your head above water. Do you have access to therapy for yourself? What are you doing to nurture yourself? </p><p></p><p>Please let go of any and all concerns about what the neighbors think. And any 'friends' of yours who do not understand or who do not support you, are simply not your friends.</p><p></p><p>You <em>might</em> tell her you will let her back in the house (should her marriage break up) if she is willing to go to family therapy or individual therapy and get a job or go to school (if she isn't going to school or working currently). But make her go to at least one or two appointments first and don't bring it up unless she makes a sincere request to move back home. </p><p></p><p>If your daughter ever has a quiet moment and you find yourself in a 'sane' conversation, you might ask her what her goals are in life are and ask her how her current behavior is helping get her there.</p><p></p><p>IN the mean time, totally let go/ignore/chuck what the neighbors think. Adopt this attitude "what they think of me is none of my business."</p><p></p><p>AND as best as you can, enjoy life anyway. Are you working? If not, can you go back to school to learn a new skill? Or can you take a course that would enhance your knowledge at work? Do you have any hobbies? </p><p></p><p>When was the last time you did something fun for yourself? Do you like to read? How about buying a fun magazine or book? What about a movie? How about calling a friend and going to a movie? </p><p></p><p>The weekend will be here before you know it...why not make a plan to do something fun with- your younger daughter in the day and get a sitter for the night and go out for a few hours and enjoy yourself. Go to Starbuck's with- a friend and talk for a few hours...anything. Just get out and do something different, safe and fun for a little while Refresh your body and soul.</p><p></p><p>p.s.</p><p>You might ask around for a local support group. We got some help from Families Anonymous. Please remember to look into therapy for yourself as well...esp. if this extreme stress continues.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 313262"] Dear EB, My heart goes out to you. You have a lot going on and a lot on your mind. However, you sense strongly that you need to think about this differently and you need to go about this differently for your own good mental and physical health and the reason why you sense this is because you are right on the money. Your situation is a little complicated due to the young age of your daughter. However, since she is married, legally she is emancipated. And, if nothing else, all her choices indicate a young woman who needs to learn life lessons the hard way. What you feel is loss and grief. I am very sorry. This is difficult and normal. You must get help for yourself to get past this. You must have faith that in time things will get better. It is highly unlikely that you will be part of this change for your daughter, especially at this time. Leave the door open for therapy for her if she is willing to do the work....but don't force her and don't sit there and count the days. It is what it is. It is painful, it is unfortunate, but life moves on. You need to keep your head above water. Do you have access to therapy for yourself? What are you doing to nurture yourself? Please let go of any and all concerns about what the neighbors think. And any 'friends' of yours who do not understand or who do not support you, are simply not your friends. You [I]might[/I] tell her you will let her back in the house (should her marriage break up) if she is willing to go to family therapy or individual therapy and get a job or go to school (if she isn't going to school or working currently). But make her go to at least one or two appointments first and don't bring it up unless she makes a sincere request to move back home. If your daughter ever has a quiet moment and you find yourself in a 'sane' conversation, you might ask her what her goals are in life are and ask her how her current behavior is helping get her there. IN the mean time, totally let go/ignore/chuck what the neighbors think. Adopt this attitude "what they think of me is none of my business." AND as best as you can, enjoy life anyway. Are you working? If not, can you go back to school to learn a new skill? Or can you take a course that would enhance your knowledge at work? Do you have any hobbies? When was the last time you did something fun for yourself? Do you like to read? How about buying a fun magazine or book? What about a movie? How about calling a friend and going to a movie? The weekend will be here before you know it...why not make a plan to do something fun with- your younger daughter in the day and get a sitter for the night and go out for a few hours and enjoy yourself. Go to Starbuck's with- a friend and talk for a few hours...anything. Just get out and do something different, safe and fun for a little while Refresh your body and soul. p.s. You might ask around for a local support group. We got some help from Families Anonymous. Please remember to look into therapy for yourself as well...esp. if this extreme stress continues. [/QUOTE]
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