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Newbie--"bad mom" syndrome
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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 313341" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>I've attempted to post at least a couple of replies as this thread has gone along, and they seem to be lost in cyberspace. This is not happening on other threads, so I'm confused about what is going on. I want to try again, though, to say I appreciate so much the support on here. The validation is exactly what I need right now. </p><p> </p><p>As for nurturing myself, I have a few days off from school this week (Fall Break for us), and so I'm trying hard to just BREATHE for a few days. Literally and figuratively, I guess. I am recovering from the worst case of bronchitis I think I have ever had, and I know the stress has trashed my immune system and made me vulnerable. Plus, we are setting record absentee rates at school for this time of year--legimate illness, not kids just staying home for no good reason--so I guess I'm fortunate it hasn't hit me before now. That's a big social angle, by the way. It's not as much the neighbors. A TEACHER, of all people, should know how to handle her own child. That's what I feel in the air. I know I have to let it go.</p><p> </p><p>There's no immediate family except my wonderful mom--all deceased, so I'm well-acquainted with the grief process, and I know that's what I'm going through now. I also know I'll get to the other side, but it will be rougher than even the death of a parent. Reaction from more distant family, who I though I could count on, has been a punch in the gut. They aren't here to have lived this, but have been quite judgmental, assuming that the fault is mine for obviously not providing enough "nurture." Stunning. My difficult child was the center of my life for 8 years until her sister was born, and at that point my attention had to be divided between the two. Pretty normal in a family with more than one child, I'd say, and most often before 8 years of not having to "share" mom. I know I have to let that go too. I know in my heart I did the best I could, and also that difficult child's behaviors are WAY out of the normal range for ANY circumstance that happened here.</p><p> </p><p>Just staying in, feeling the solitude, loving on the dogs (and letting them love on me--they are SO perceptive), reading some, playing the piano--those things that some would find boring seem to be just what I need now. My little one wanted to spend some time with Grandma this week, so I have also been able to get a lot of sleep, which my body has been craving for some time.</p><p> </p><p>Still no contact with difficult child, which I think is what I need, too. In fact, I had been refusing phone calls until they finally stopped. At this point, I'm feeling that getting out of my marriage (finally) was "boot camp" for me in getting ready to deal with this, although I never saw it coming at the time. It feels like the same process in so many ways, though so much harder since it's my child. Just like in my divorce process, I think breaking the contact is key. I spent a LONG time in an area divorce support group, and that was a always a crucial piece of advice. The facilitator would always ask, "Did you feel better or worse after having the conversation? So...why are you answering the phone? This is one time you have to take care of YOU. You have to be selfish during a divorce in order to get to the other side." That is where I feel I am, and because of my experience is seeming like the only way to respond in order to finally take care of ME.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 313341, member: 8226"] I've attempted to post at least a couple of replies as this thread has gone along, and they seem to be lost in cyberspace. This is not happening on other threads, so I'm confused about what is going on. I want to try again, though, to say I appreciate so much the support on here. The validation is exactly what I need right now. As for nurturing myself, I have a few days off from school this week (Fall Break for us), and so I'm trying hard to just BREATHE for a few days. Literally and figuratively, I guess. I am recovering from the worst case of bronchitis I think I have ever had, and I know the stress has trashed my immune system and made me vulnerable. Plus, we are setting record absentee rates at school for this time of year--legimate illness, not kids just staying home for no good reason--so I guess I'm fortunate it hasn't hit me before now. That's a big social angle, by the way. It's not as much the neighbors. A TEACHER, of all people, should know how to handle her own child. That's what I feel in the air. I know I have to let it go. There's no immediate family except my wonderful mom--all deceased, so I'm well-acquainted with the grief process, and I know that's what I'm going through now. I also know I'll get to the other side, but it will be rougher than even the death of a parent. Reaction from more distant family, who I though I could count on, has been a punch in the gut. They aren't here to have lived this, but have been quite judgmental, assuming that the fault is mine for obviously not providing enough "nurture." Stunning. My difficult child was the center of my life for 8 years until her sister was born, and at that point my attention had to be divided between the two. Pretty normal in a family with more than one child, I'd say, and most often before 8 years of not having to "share" mom. I know I have to let that go too. I know in my heart I did the best I could, and also that difficult child's behaviors are WAY out of the normal range for ANY circumstance that happened here. Just staying in, feeling the solitude, loving on the dogs (and letting them love on me--they are SO perceptive), reading some, playing the piano--those things that some would find boring seem to be just what I need now. My little one wanted to spend some time with Grandma this week, so I have also been able to get a lot of sleep, which my body has been craving for some time. Still no contact with difficult child, which I think is what I need, too. In fact, I had been refusing phone calls until they finally stopped. At this point, I'm feeling that getting out of my marriage (finally) was "boot camp" for me in getting ready to deal with this, although I never saw it coming at the time. It feels like the same process in so many ways, though so much harder since it's my child. Just like in my divorce process, I think breaking the contact is key. I spent a LONG time in an area divorce support group, and that was a always a crucial piece of advice. The facilitator would always ask, "Did you feel better or worse after having the conversation? So...why are you answering the phone? This is one time you have to take care of YOU. You have to be selfish during a divorce in order to get to the other side." That is where I feel I am, and because of my experience is seeming like the only way to respond in order to finally take care of ME. [/QUOTE]
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