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Newbie--"bad mom" syndrome
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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 313679" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>Thanks again for the support. Jane--I had already put difficult child on notice that she WOULD move out when she reached the age of 18, because that was the only way I saw for any of us to get any peace--as well as for her to have even a chance to grow up. I had told her I wanted her to have plenty of time to get a plan together (at that time 18 months), and not be holding on to any false hope that she can turn "nice" at the last minute and stay on. I still think if she's ever going to grow up, it will be somewhere besides here, because it's going to take a major shake-up to get her attention. I can't imagine what that will look like, because in my opinion, some of the shake-ups we have gone through have been huge.</p><p> </p><p>Patterns here had become so ingrained...I don't think the dynamics would ever have changed. We had both become so adamant in our positions...things were only going to get worse. I think she saw it too. It takes a lot to get me to the point of "fight mode"; I'm actually known professionally for my calm, soothing demeanor! (I don't feel very calm, but I guess I must project that, because too many people have described me that way.) Once I'm pushed too far, however, I simply don't back down. difficult child refuses to see many realities, but I think she does know me that well, and I think that hastened her move out of here. She'd already stood in my kitchen with her hands on her hips, saying, "We're going to find out who's 'head b____' in this house!" and, "I guess we're just going to have a 'b____ fest!'" I guess it's progress that I can laugh now about that ridiculous scene. The battle lines were drawn, for sure.</p><p> </p><p>Do you ever feel that some of your "friends"/co-workers at some point put a time limit on how long you could justifiably be in crisis, and that they've determined your time is up? Also a perception that if you are continually in crisis, you must be one of those people who thrives on chaos and must be somehow inviting it? I definitely get that feeling, especially on the job, that somehow it's been determined among some people that my "time is up." Some who were compassionate at first seem to have determined that I should be over it by now and are irritated when I have to take a day or two off to deal with a difficult child crisis.</p><p> </p><p>I've also begun to see it more in the framework that life just hasn't humbled those folks yet. That they haven't lived yet through enough adversity to "get it." The sincere compassion I get is from those people who have lived enough heartache to have felt all control literally snatched away. Interestingly, most of them are cancer survivors, and by far, most of them are older than I am.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 313679, member: 8226"] Thanks again for the support. Jane--I had already put difficult child on notice that she WOULD move out when she reached the age of 18, because that was the only way I saw for any of us to get any peace--as well as for her to have even a chance to grow up. I had told her I wanted her to have plenty of time to get a plan together (at that time 18 months), and not be holding on to any false hope that she can turn "nice" at the last minute and stay on. I still think if she's ever going to grow up, it will be somewhere besides here, because it's going to take a major shake-up to get her attention. I can't imagine what that will look like, because in my opinion, some of the shake-ups we have gone through have been huge. Patterns here had become so ingrained...I don't think the dynamics would ever have changed. We had both become so adamant in our positions...things were only going to get worse. I think she saw it too. It takes a lot to get me to the point of "fight mode"; I'm actually known professionally for my calm, soothing demeanor! (I don't feel very calm, but I guess I must project that, because too many people have described me that way.) Once I'm pushed too far, however, I simply don't back down. difficult child refuses to see many realities, but I think she does know me that well, and I think that hastened her move out of here. She'd already stood in my kitchen with her hands on her hips, saying, "We're going to find out who's 'head b____' in this house!" and, "I guess we're just going to have a 'b____ fest!'" I guess it's progress that I can laugh now about that ridiculous scene. The battle lines were drawn, for sure. Do you ever feel that some of your "friends"/co-workers at some point put a time limit on how long you could justifiably be in crisis, and that they've determined your time is up? Also a perception that if you are continually in crisis, you must be one of those people who thrives on chaos and must be somehow inviting it? I definitely get that feeling, especially on the job, that somehow it's been determined among some people that my "time is up." Some who were compassionate at first seem to have determined that I should be over it by now and are irritated when I have to take a day or two off to deal with a difficult child crisis. I've also begun to see it more in the framework that life just hasn't humbled those folks yet. That they haven't lived yet through enough adversity to "get it." The sincere compassion I get is from those people who have lived enough heartache to have felt all control literally snatched away. Interestingly, most of them are cancer survivors, and by far, most of them are older than I am. [/QUOTE]
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