Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Newbie crash landing
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 326236" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Susie has already answered some of this.</p><p></p><p>I do understand your feelings of frustration, the sense that you are giving way when you really should be nailing rules in place and insisting on the letter of the law being carried out. You, like me, are thinking back to how you were raised and "it never did me any harm". </p><p></p><p>The thing is - the parenting methods that we were raised by are NOT flawed. For most people. But like a lot of things, it's not always the best fit for every person.</p><p></p><p>Example - many classes at school teach by rote repetition. When I was a kid, our class was drilled on times tables. We would all recite the tables together, the whole class. Over and over. Every day. We learned them.</p><p>It's not done tat way these days. I also know it would not have worked for difficult child 3, because anything aural just doesn't sink in with him. Also, anything done as part of a large group is just too distracting for him, there are too many things happening at the same time and as a result, it is too jumbled. BUT - we found a way that worked brilliantly for him - he needs to see it written down. Whatever is written down, stays in his head. It's brilliant. Even when he's watching his favourite TV shows, he understands it better if the subtitles are on. Even though his hearing is perfectly normal. So to help him learn his tables, we printed them out and stuck them up in two places - 1, on the wall in his bedroom right beside where his head is when he's in bed, and 2, behind the toilet door (a very important learning space in our house).</p><p></p><p>What we did was a bit unconventional, but our aim was the outcome - learning of times tables.</p><p></p><p>And that's the thing, when it comes to the 'softer' approach Occupational Therapist (OT) child-raising - we look at what seems to be working and what seems to not be working, and make our choices. Some kids are different and respond better to a different approach. If you forget about the "us and them" feelings, focus instead on your desired outcomes, it makes it easier to work with this.</p><p></p><p>At no stage in your use of 'different' parenting/child-raising methods should you feel you are in a battle of wits against your child, because with kids like ours, they have more resources of strength, of energy, of determination than we often have. We have too much lse on our plates while they can focus intensely on what THEY want, to the point where they can batter our wills into mush. So never engage in any battle you can't win, that sets you up for long-term failure in the discipline stakes. It's also darned hard work.</p><p></p><p>Instead, what generally works better is to focus on our long-term goal - we want our children to grow up to be independent, contributing, socially acceptable and happy members of society. That is the goal. SOme kids are going to take longer to get there and need more help along the way. The usual markers and milestones will happen in different ways and at different times. Like a kid learnnig to walk - as they learn to walk, toilet-training or talking may take a brief backward step, and different kids learn to do this at different times; so with our kids, they may learn how to work with you to get their laundry done and at the same time make great progress in personal cleanliness, but go backwards in their behaviour towards you and other people. You can't make it all work at the same time, you have to choose just a few things to work on at a time and for a while, leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 is doing marvellously, according to so many people. He just got a big citizenship award at school. But the same day he got it, he was getting publicly angry - with me, with the State Rail Authority, with people around us. The reason - things went wrong and he was getting agitated. He didn't have the social skills to know how to handle the situation. mother in law was with us and is very "old school" - she kept chiding difficult child 3 for his "insolence" towards me. But I was ignoring it, it wasn't insolence, it was anxiety.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean I let him get away with it - but it wasn't the battle of the moment. What I needed FIRST from difficult child 3, was for him to get his anxiety back under control. "It will be OK, here is what we will do to cope with the situation," was goal No 1.</p><p>After that I was able to say, when he was a bit calmer, "You were sounding a bit impolite back then. Anyone who didn't know you would have been scandalised to hear the way you spoke to me. Now, I understand, but you do need to learn how to control your tongue, even when you are anxious."</p><p></p><p>The thing is - our difficult children are generally worst with us. They feel safer with us and if they need to vent, it's us who cop it. And this is actually a good thing - because if they stayed good with us but vented to other people, they would be repeatedly getting their heads kicked in.</p><p></p><p>Example again - difficult child 3, today, was working on his computer in the meeting room of husband's club. There was a big event going on, a lot of furniture had been shifted around. I was sitting outside and overheard the club president verbally attacking difficult child 3. "I'm telling you this for the last time, difficult child 3 - do not move that wooden table that was here, it must remain here and not be taken away." </p><p>The voices were sounding very angry, coming form the club president. The guy is volatile and I was really worried what would happen if difficult child 3 began to loudly protest or got angry in return - he will speak to people using the exact tones they use to speak to him. Because his social skills are poor and he doesn't learn to behave merely by being around other people (the way 'normal' people would learn) he tends to use other people as the templage for how they want to be treated by him. So a teacher being sarcastic and cutting, would find difficult child 3 being sarcastic and cutting back (ie rude).</p><p>But in this case - difficult child 3 remained polite. I went in to help adjudicate but found I wasn't needed. difficult child 3 simply said, "I'll look around for that table. I will remember what you said about it."</p><p>Later on difficult child 3 even went to ther club president and said, "Did you find that table yet? I haven't seen it but I have been looking."</p><p>Club president (who really had been badly out of line, difficult child 3 would never have been able to move it by himself, he's just a kid who's been brought along by his parents) said to difficult child 3, "It's OK, it's been sorted out now." </p><p></p><p>The thing is - if husband had spoken to difficult child 3 like that, it would have been WWIII. But already, our softer methods have helped reduce difficult child 3's anxiety PLUS set the example for him, "behave this way."</p><p></p><p>The teamwork approach also is what works best for him, because it shows him that we're not simply asking him to do chores as make-work, but because work needs doing. If we work as a team, he sees US working too, so he knows it's not just him slaving away. He's also less liable to take our own hard work for granted.</p><p></p><p>As for rewards - sometimes the best rewards can be the gift of your time. We do have a voucher reward system (not too expensive) but we also hve a "time playing games with mum" reward system, as well as sometimes just spending time together this way, just because. It is amazing how much improvement we can get, if we relax back a bit plus spend time together with no strings attached.</p><p></p><p>Yes, it is hard work sometimes. And walking on eggshells can be exhausting. But we found that trying to maintain a very tight ship with rigid discipline, was even harder work, with less predictable positive outcome. </p><p></p><p>And the outcome - in my family at least, this is working. And working better than what we used to do.</p><p></p><p>Read the book. Get a library copy first if you want to save money. I did.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 326236, member: 1991"] Susie has already answered some of this. I do understand your feelings of frustration, the sense that you are giving way when you really should be nailing rules in place and insisting on the letter of the law being carried out. You, like me, are thinking back to how you were raised and "it never did me any harm". The thing is - the parenting methods that we were raised by are NOT flawed. For most people. But like a lot of things, it's not always the best fit for every person. Example - many classes at school teach by rote repetition. When I was a kid, our class was drilled on times tables. We would all recite the tables together, the whole class. Over and over. Every day. We learned them. It's not done tat way these days. I also know it would not have worked for difficult child 3, because anything aural just doesn't sink in with him. Also, anything done as part of a large group is just too distracting for him, there are too many things happening at the same time and as a result, it is too jumbled. BUT - we found a way that worked brilliantly for him - he needs to see it written down. Whatever is written down, stays in his head. It's brilliant. Even when he's watching his favourite TV shows, he understands it better if the subtitles are on. Even though his hearing is perfectly normal. So to help him learn his tables, we printed them out and stuck them up in two places - 1, on the wall in his bedroom right beside where his head is when he's in bed, and 2, behind the toilet door (a very important learning space in our house). What we did was a bit unconventional, but our aim was the outcome - learning of times tables. And that's the thing, when it comes to the 'softer' approach Occupational Therapist (OT) child-raising - we look at what seems to be working and what seems to not be working, and make our choices. Some kids are different and respond better to a different approach. If you forget about the "us and them" feelings, focus instead on your desired outcomes, it makes it easier to work with this. At no stage in your use of 'different' parenting/child-raising methods should you feel you are in a battle of wits against your child, because with kids like ours, they have more resources of strength, of energy, of determination than we often have. We have too much lse on our plates while they can focus intensely on what THEY want, to the point where they can batter our wills into mush. So never engage in any battle you can't win, that sets you up for long-term failure in the discipline stakes. It's also darned hard work. Instead, what generally works better is to focus on our long-term goal - we want our children to grow up to be independent, contributing, socially acceptable and happy members of society. That is the goal. SOme kids are going to take longer to get there and need more help along the way. The usual markers and milestones will happen in different ways and at different times. Like a kid learnnig to walk - as they learn to walk, toilet-training or talking may take a brief backward step, and different kids learn to do this at different times; so with our kids, they may learn how to work with you to get their laundry done and at the same time make great progress in personal cleanliness, but go backwards in their behaviour towards you and other people. You can't make it all work at the same time, you have to choose just a few things to work on at a time and for a while, leave the rest. difficult child 3 is doing marvellously, according to so many people. He just got a big citizenship award at school. But the same day he got it, he was getting publicly angry - with me, with the State Rail Authority, with people around us. The reason - things went wrong and he was getting agitated. He didn't have the social skills to know how to handle the situation. mother in law was with us and is very "old school" - she kept chiding difficult child 3 for his "insolence" towards me. But I was ignoring it, it wasn't insolence, it was anxiety. That doesn't mean I let him get away with it - but it wasn't the battle of the moment. What I needed FIRST from difficult child 3, was for him to get his anxiety back under control. "It will be OK, here is what we will do to cope with the situation," was goal No 1. After that I was able to say, when he was a bit calmer, "You were sounding a bit impolite back then. Anyone who didn't know you would have been scandalised to hear the way you spoke to me. Now, I understand, but you do need to learn how to control your tongue, even when you are anxious." The thing is - our difficult children are generally worst with us. They feel safer with us and if they need to vent, it's us who cop it. And this is actually a good thing - because if they stayed good with us but vented to other people, they would be repeatedly getting their heads kicked in. Example again - difficult child 3, today, was working on his computer in the meeting room of husband's club. There was a big event going on, a lot of furniture had been shifted around. I was sitting outside and overheard the club president verbally attacking difficult child 3. "I'm telling you this for the last time, difficult child 3 - do not move that wooden table that was here, it must remain here and not be taken away." The voices were sounding very angry, coming form the club president. The guy is volatile and I was really worried what would happen if difficult child 3 began to loudly protest or got angry in return - he will speak to people using the exact tones they use to speak to him. Because his social skills are poor and he doesn't learn to behave merely by being around other people (the way 'normal' people would learn) he tends to use other people as the templage for how they want to be treated by him. So a teacher being sarcastic and cutting, would find difficult child 3 being sarcastic and cutting back (ie rude). But in this case - difficult child 3 remained polite. I went in to help adjudicate but found I wasn't needed. difficult child 3 simply said, "I'll look around for that table. I will remember what you said about it." Later on difficult child 3 even went to ther club president and said, "Did you find that table yet? I haven't seen it but I have been looking." Club president (who really had been badly out of line, difficult child 3 would never have been able to move it by himself, he's just a kid who's been brought along by his parents) said to difficult child 3, "It's OK, it's been sorted out now." The thing is - if husband had spoken to difficult child 3 like that, it would have been WWIII. But already, our softer methods have helped reduce difficult child 3's anxiety PLUS set the example for him, "behave this way." The teamwork approach also is what works best for him, because it shows him that we're not simply asking him to do chores as make-work, but because work needs doing. If we work as a team, he sees US working too, so he knows it's not just him slaving away. He's also less liable to take our own hard work for granted. As for rewards - sometimes the best rewards can be the gift of your time. We do have a voucher reward system (not too expensive) but we also hve a "time playing games with mum" reward system, as well as sometimes just spending time together this way, just because. It is amazing how much improvement we can get, if we relax back a bit plus spend time together with no strings attached. Yes, it is hard work sometimes. And walking on eggshells can be exhausting. But we found that trying to maintain a very tight ship with rigid discipline, was even harder work, with less predictable positive outcome. And the outcome - in my family at least, this is working. And working better than what we used to do. Read the book. Get a library copy first if you want to save money. I did. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Newbie crash landing
Top