Actually, you don't have to parent them differently if you don't want to. Explosive Child methods work well for PCs too. But you do need different baskets for different children. That's OK - we all have different rules for kids of different ages/capabilities.
For example, difficult child 1 had a later bedtime than his younger sister, because she needed more sleep to function and he's always got by on much less.
Keep Basket A as simple as possible - immediate safety only. For example, you would be prepared to provoke a meltdown if necessary, to save your kid from running out into the road and being run over by a truck. But if you have more time to anticipate, you can put a lot of stuff in Basket B.
"The ball just went out into the road? I'll help you. Hang on, don't run out - there's a truck further down the road so stand here with me. Now the truck's gone, and your ball has rolled slowly to the other side and has now stopped. Let's walk across the road safely together, and we'll get your ball."
It's close, but because there was enough time then you were able to put a safety issue into Basket B instead of A.
Also with evening behaviour - try to head it off at the pass. Avoid it where possible by anticipating. Not easy when you're mentally exhausted. But kids, difficult children especially, are much more difficult in the evenings when they are mentally tired. I've found the best option is to get them fed, get them to bed as soon as possible. A good night's sleep is good for them and for you. Feed them early, before they are too tired to eat. I would feed difficult child 3 as soon as he got home from school. If he wasn't too tired later on, I'd give him something more, like a smaller second dinner. If he was too tired he was still fed enough to sleep through. otherwise, he'd go to bed and wake up before dawn, ravenous.
Another 'trick' - I strongly suspect your difficult child has trouble task-changing. It's not uncommon in ADHD, among other conditions. Instead of enforcing rules by, "I said I want it done NOW!" it works better to give him space and say, "I need X done, fairly quickly, but if you're watching Simpsons it can wait until the ad break." Then when the ad comes on, remind gently. "Hey - it's the ad. Can you rush out and do that job now? I'll call you back if you're not finished by the time the ad break is over. I'll make sure you don't miss your show."
It sounds like you're catering to him, but in fact you are working together - he gets to watch his show, but you get the job done also. You both win. Plus, you are happier because the job got done, and he will sense this and feel good about himself for having pleased you, and still not missed his cartoon.
Similarly, computer games. Our kids love them. And I think they actually can help, although the obsession can be scary.
So I give them time to save, or pause a game.
Example of an exchange:
Mum: difficult child 3, it's now after 6 pm. You know that's when games have to be paused if needed, to get the evening routine done. Will you go have your bath please?
difficult child 3: Muum! I'm almost at Level 15 when the bad guy attacks with everything he's got. I've never got tis far before. Can't it wait?
Mum: You know we need to keep things moving through our tasks or everyone gets inconvenienced. How long do you think you need?
difficult child 3: I will be another five minutes to the next save point, then the final level - I think that will be about half an hour.
Mum: Half an hour is really too long. It's not fair on the others who have to wait for you. I'll give you five minutes to save the game. If you're not ready by then, you'll have to pause it and get to your save point after your bath.
Get the idea? The thing is, it works. I now get much more compliance from difficult child 3, because he's no longer anxious that I'm going to walk up and shut off his game (guaranteed to produce a meltdown).
This is showing him respect. The positive side to this - he learns to show respect to others, especially those that respect him. That's because this models it for him.
To begin with, I used to have to put a post-it note on the computer screen (unobtrusively, of course) stating what the task was (ie bath) and what time he was told to go. That wya when he complained that I hadn't told him to go have his bath (because he really hadn't heard me; he had tuned me out) there was the proof on the screen.
Giving a time warning is the best way to get compliance to change task when they show any obsessiveness about what they do. And it's not just compliance - it's compliance with a minimum of tantrum. Because once they start to rage, you have lost the battle.
This works. I now get respect, more than I ever thought possible.
Marg
