Newbie here in need of support

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Squishy80, May 2, 2009.

  1. Squishy80

    Squishy80 New Member

    Hello Everybody:D

    I'm gonna apologize in advance for this being a rather long intro, lol. A bit about me before i get into the whole tale. I'm 28, have 2 children....a girl who's almost 11 (July) and a son who will be 9 in fourteen days. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD when she was 6. It was suspected around age 3-4, but not firmly diagnosed until age 6. I was married at 18 and divorced at 25, and am now currently engaged to a wonderful man (ie: my ex was NOT so wonderful, lol.) Oh, i suppose i should add that i myself have had on-going moderate to severe depression (disthymic disorder) since the age of 15.

    Ok...my problem is very sensitive and a cause of great debate it seems with certain people. It actually angers a lot of people (mainly women of course) when i do decide to tell them, and i have lost people who i've hoped to become friends with because of it. Though i suppose it's better not to have them as friends if they are to be so close-minded. I've been called unnatural, selfish, coldhearted, inhuman, a sinner (i find this one funny cause i'm agnostic, so i'm not scared of things others might call "sins"!) I found this site on a google search and felt compelled to join due to the support given a lady who posted that she hated her kids. So i'm hoping maybe i'll be welcomed here, instead of branded a terrible, horrible monster of a mother, like usual.

    I am a mother who, by choice and circumstance, does not live with her children. It's not due to be EVER being abusive to them, or losing them for any bad reason. When i was 17, i was stupid and the typical teen who's mother was scared to talk the facts of life with me and ask about because and i was to scared to mention i was having sex and needed because. Me and my boyfriend at the time DID use condoms, but well.....our daughter was concieved by an oop-so condom malfuntion (it broke!) I was scared and i knew then, just as i still know now that i never wanted kids and that i lacked the "maternal instinct" button in my brain that is supposed to be fired once a woman hits puberty or sees a child or holds her own child etc. I never liked kids. I told my mother that i wanted an abortion, and because i was under 18 i needed her consent. We fought about it for weeks, finally she flat out said "Your having this baby, I didn't kill you did i, so your not killing it." I asked about adoption and she told me "I could have given you away, i thought about it but i didn't, so no flesh and blood of mine will be given away either." My mom is pro-life and she hsd spoken. So, a month and 3 days shy of my 18th b-day i had my baby girl.

    Her father left me (he only being 19 and scared to i now realize.) I lived with my mom, grandma and sister in a very small house. I felt trapped with this baby and everyone else around me. I TRIED to buck up and be a good mother, but most times i would end up in more tears then the baby (and she was colicky!) and my mom would take over. I wanted out, so at 18 i ment and married a military man 11 yrs my senior, i was his second wife no less (i found out later WHY his first left!) So, me and my daughter moved to the base he was stationed at 45 mins away from mom. In less than 2 months my ex had done a total 360, from nice and attentive and normal, to mentally and emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. When my daughter was 15 months old, and i had been married 5 months, i found out i was pregnant again! I'd been taking because since my daughter was born, but obviously it did no good (ex liked to brag that he had super sperm.) I didn't want this baby anymore then i wanted the first. I told my ex this and he exploded and if i hadn't been pregnant he probably would have beat me, he was so mad. He told me that if i had an abortion the marriage would be over. I should have said fine, left and never looked back....but it was him or return to mom and i was to proud to admit i'd made a mistake in marriage to him. He became attentive and sweet again, and i relented and stayed.

    Eight months later I had our son. Four months later, after being told he could re-up for 4 more yrs where we already were, we moved to Louisiana. It was 7 states and a world away from my whole family and the only means of emotional support i had. Later he admitted he did it on purpose so he could have total control over me, and he did. I was a lonely stay at home slave to him and the kids, on the base in the middle of nowhere. My kids drove me crazy and most days were: get up, feed the kids, put them in their rooms again, go back to bed, get up feed them lunch, back to bed, get up fix dinner, baths, and bed....just to start all over again the next day. I was a zombie. After 2 yrs of this i cracked, i had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for 3 days, under suicide watch. When i got out, nothing changed (my ex was always telling me that depression is just an excuse to be lazy!) The routine started over again and I said this can't go on. I asked my mom to take my daughter and for once she sensed my desperation and didn't pass judgement or tell me to be a better mother, she came and got her....my daughter was 3-1/2. My daughter thrived with my mom, even with the early signs of ADHD, she came out of her shell (my ex was also abusive to her and i feel like a horrible weakling to this day for allowing him to be so mean. Not on purpose but because i was so lost in my own world back then.)

    Me, my ex and our son stayed in Louisiana for another 8 months. He was discharged on medical (torn shoulder cuffs) and when he had to retrain in the civilian world, we moved to NC for him to go back to school. I slowly started to make a transition from depressed zombie to actual living human again. It was still another year-1/2 before i told him our marriage was over and i wanted him gone. We fought, and it was 2 months before he moved out. During this time, our son went to go live with my ex's parents in KY, he was 4. I tell you, i never felt so free and alive as when all this happened. I know it sounds horrible, but for once in 24 years, i was finally totally ALONE!!! I would be lying if i said i didn't live it up for awhile, but soon reality came back and i had to get down to the business of a divorce, moving, and finding a job. My kids were on my mind all the time, please know that even with knowing i couldn't raise them, they had come from my body and were part of me and i loved them....and love them still no matter the distance and time apart.

    I did see my daughter during this time, finding it easier to get to my mom's 5 hrs away, then the 10 hrs to KY. I called them both as much as possible. I got a job at a factory, got an apartment, a new man. Things were looking up. Then the factory lost contracts, which ment less work, till eventually we sat on temp-layoff for 2 weeks. In that time i found a new job, had my boyfriend break my heart, and went on the road for my new job and loved it. Things again looked good, until after 7 months, the company put half the work force on temp-layoffs till we could get more stores to build (i built the inside of Lowe's Hardware stores state to state.) In that time, my car stopped running and i had some legal cost to cover, plus pay rent and eat, all on unemployment money which isn't much. So, in order to afford a new car (the livleyhood od my job then) i decided to move back in with my mom. So, after not living with her for almost 6-1/2 yrs, my daughter got her mommy back under the same roof with her. I had had time to myself, and time to grow and mature. Her ADHD, while not 100% controlled, was better at 9, then it had been since she was diagnosed, and i enjoyed being around her. But, still the same house that i lived in as a child, very cramped and small with 5 people in it, and me on the sofa....started to get to me.

    So, this past Dec I moved in with my now fiancee (i'll call him T), who i had ment soon after moving home 1-1/2 yrs before. It's 10 mins away from mom's house and my daughter still lives there as her main residence. She visits me and T as often as possible. But currently with the recession, i lost the job i found 6 months after moving back (I'd quit the travel job) and he lost his round the same time, but has recently found a new one, but alas i haven't. Things are tough and we can't always get her cause he's working and has the car, or i'm busy pounding the pavement etc. But, almost 11 yrs after having her, I now appreciate her and love her not just cause i have to, but because i want to....although i still choose NOT to have either child live with me and know i'm certainly not able to raise them still....both financially and mentally. This messed up world currently has my depression at peak levels again. My son is still in KY, i haven't seen him in 4 yrs, due to trying to just get life together and never having the time or money to go there and his grandparents being not up for a long road trip either. My ex, funnily enough...who use to yell at me for being a terrible mom and make nasty comments on how unfit i was, doesn't see him either, go figure? I talk to him a lot, and i know he misses me, and i love and miss him. Having found some measure of joy in my daughter now, i'd love to see him and enjoy his company as well. Only time will tell how soon this will happen though.

    Of course T knows all of this, and he has always told me how much he respects me and how brave i was for asking for help. And not taking my depression out on my kids in the worst ways that sometimes happens. I didn't beat them, I didn't let them starve, I didn't become a raging alcoholic or druggie. He understands and thinks i did the right thing, and he says in time he thinks my kids will understand too, once they are old enough to get the full story. He is great with my daughter, even more so then me with my new found patience and fondness of her company. I still sometimes get very irritable with her if her ADHD behavior acts up to bad. He is perfectly happy not havng kids of his own. Last november, after a great 9 yr run on no pregnancy....i found out i was pregnant. We were both shocked, and we spent a good deal of time talking about it, and he said he would support me no matter what i decided to do. It was the first time EVER that i considered having a baby, his baby, I love him so much. But in the end i realized loving a man isn't enough to bring a child in to the world with, and that i had to be truthful with him and myself and say i wanted an abortion. He admitted to being a bit sad, and so was i actually, but we both know it was the right choice, and this time it was MY choice! He stood by me and never once wavered in his love for me, or me for him.....soon after he asked me to marry him and i said yes. I really do think i have found my mate for life....but we certainly won't be mating to reproduce.....thank goodness, lol.

    I've taken up waaaaay to much space. If anyone has actually gotten through this, i'd like to hear from you. Thank you for listening:redface:
     
  2. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    I certainly can't stand in your shoes, therefore, it isn't up to me to judge you. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do according to our circumstances. You can't help the fact that you don't feel maternal. At least you did what you felt was right by your kids and you are still able to see them.
     
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nobody here will judge you.

    But, are you here to discuss your daughter's ADHD & behavior?
     
  4. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I applaud you for recognizing what your children need and what you couldn't provide for them. That is proof of your love for them. Everyone is not meant to be a parent.

    I have a (pretty much) former friend who has her kids and won't let them go, and I really wish she would. I'll just leave it at that.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not everyone is cut out to be a mother. I believe abortion is a woman's choice. But why are you here? Your daughter?
     
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    As the child of a woman just like you, I think I for one understand what you need. If you were older, I would have sworn you were my bio-mom. Your story, is her story--- years ago. You need validation that what you did was right. First, let me state that the best thing my mother ever did for me was turn me over to my grandparents. From them I got the stability and lifestyle that she could not have given me. Today I am 47, my mother is 62. We have a relationship now, but it is probably not the one she would like to have. She is not my "mom." She is the woman who gave birth to me. We get along well. We go out to dinner. We see each other on holidays. But, I don't call her for advice. I don't go to her with problems. I don't see her as a maternal figure. She is just another person in my life. I can now see why she gave us up. She was young, and not maternal. She has mental health issues that she has never dealt with. She was undereducated and was always looking for the "pot at the end of the rainbow." I think that you did the best thing you could have done for your children.
     
  7. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    You certainly aren't the only one to feel as you do. I admire your ability to see your own limitations. I am raising a delightful child I was blessed to adopt under very similar circumstances, I believe it was a mature act of love for our birthmother to let her child go. The only thing I can add is I would also find it a mature act to find very good birth control in light of the way you feel. Accidents happen and you don't need that.
     
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