Newbie looking for others in same boat

[drained1]

well, i found this site looking for info on ODD & Conduct Disorder information. Not really straight on all the abbreviations you all use, but totally understand the difficult child one.

Hmmm, where do i begin, i guess the beginning. I always knew my little difficult child would be a force to be reckoned with, but from an early age, she knew how to manipulate a situation and take the "heat" off her. When she was about 7 a smart psychiatric told be to hold on & buckle up cuz it was gonna be one heck of a ride. They used the word back then as "the exceptional child". by 5th grade everything was everyone elses fault, by 7th grade she was bullying, 8th grade was WWI.

8th grade WWI started, cursing; bad friends; bad and self destructive behavior, we put our foot down. difficult child's counter attack was to accuse me of child abuse, after 3 weeks changed her mind, hid all correspondence and intercepted all phone calls. One day when i took a mental health day from work, a knock at teh door and it was protective services asking why i was ducking them, anyway long story short on this, they beleived me, saw all the evidence on why she was punished, confronted difficult child who then claimed she wanted to kill herself and got a one way trip into the local mental health hospital for 7 days. She became remorseful and was fairly good. OH, the best part on this, yet another doctor said, well, she's ok, borderline ODD but will grow out of it, no medications needed, you will all be fine, you have a strong marriage and togehter will be good.....DISCHARGED.

Now flash to 2 1/2 years later. difficult child in 11th grade, was offered a college scholarship if she got 3.0 GPA for next 2 years to one of the best art schools. husband got really good job in the last year and i just started a new one in 04/07. All was pretty good, difficult child was trying to push our buttons but together it was all under control then husband got the news he was being deployed to Iraq.

The beginning of WWII: difficult child kept all under control until she knew for a fact he was over there. The last 3 mos have been a nightmare. self destrucitve, bad friends, sweet boyfriend did a 360 and turned into a horrid boyfriend towards me and easy child and then the threats and walking on egg shells started. Flash forward to december and no more could i tolerate being cursed at, threatened, swung at etc....i put my foot down. took cell phone away and computer away. then my wonderful difficult child ran away. 4 days to find her. yet another one way ticket to the local mental health hospital. this time her stay was 10 days. I was advised ODD, bipolar tendencies, mood disorder. she didnt even follow rules there and the one time i did visit her once social worker left teh cursing at me and the foul name calling started again.

Basically at discharge they gave me a prescription for her, said follow up with- a doctor and call this tx center to start teh process cuz she should be in a different environment. Sent her to her grandparents, that lasted 24 hours then she started threatening them and cursing them. Now she is with me and husband friends. at first they allowed her on teh computer and phone to talk to boyfriend and friends; even though husband and I said no. 10 days later (today) they advised me no more cuz they checked up on her and she is planning to have me hurt, but no real proof cuz she didnt use my name.

i have withdrawn her from school but dummie me, still keeping up with that orthodontist (the friend takes her). I love my kid but after seeing her today and the same language and threats i cant do this. its a long process to get into a treatment center. i am afraid she will send the "gang" to me, she wants no help, doesnt think she needs any. My gosh, its my child, she is only 16 and i have lost her.

i do tell the easy child's that the behavior is not appropriate and such and they are frightened of her cuz they have seen her curse at me and swing on me. which then opened the flood gates to what was going on when i was at work and husband overseas. i was floored to say the least. i mean the easy child wound up with pneumonia (105 degree temp, no exaggeration) never knew why, she didnt tell me why until difficult child was gone that difficult child would lock easy child out of the house when difficult child boyfriend came over and went upstairs and she would tell them she would tell on them and they put her out. its so crazy.

there are so many laws against parents. if i put her out is that child abandonment? If i keep her around its cruel and unusual punishment to myself and easy child. i wanna beleive there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but i'm thinking its an amtrak train headin right for me.

I am afraid to see what WWIII would be. any advice?

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Welcome, sorry you had to find us but glad you are here.

Can she be hospitalized until you find an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) environment for her?

Sending many hugs...

Beth

 

[drained1]

no, the system is not set up for this or at least i am not getting much help. they dont consider her a repeat visitor to the hospital because of teh amount of time that has elapsed. I never kept a "paper trail" and have been informed that was my downfall. My downfall. All i have been trying to do is teach her how to be a responsible adult and take resposibility for her actions, not call 911 everytime she stepped out of line.

now i did call 911 when her grandparents brought her back and before she left to go with family friends. but, they wrote a little report, told her to go with them and if they had problems to call 911. WOW, gee thanks.

i am doing this on my own. staying with the friends is the lesser of 2 evils right now until the treatment center can get her in. i have been told 1 - 2 mos process if she stays put where she is.

i have to do this for my own peace of mind. i cant give up without one last try. it is tearing my heart out but on the other hand i feel peaceful in my home with her gone.

 

[meowbunny]

First welcome. You've found a great place with lots of support, information and comfort.


Sadly, the police did exactly what they're trained to do in a situation like yours. As long as she following instructions, there wasn't an issue in their minds.

One thing that no one should tolerate is her being violent. If she swings, call the police. Period. Each and every time. She'll either get the message that violence isn't going to work or the police will find a way to stop it -- either via juvie or the hospital. Yes, juvie is an awful thought but so is being beaten and being afraid of your child.

It does sound like you need some kind of evaluation for her so that she can be on the proper medications for whatever is wrong. ODD and CD rarely stand alone -- they are usually co-morbid with another illness (ADHD, BiPolar (BP), autism, etc.). If she's BiPolar (BP), it might take some trial and error to find the right medications for her, but the odds are you can find some.

What kind of treatment center are you looking at? It is a long-term, behavior mod type of place? A short-term medication trial facility? It really sounds like the best place for her would be one that is long-term and does medications as well.

As to your other kids, do emphasize to them that they should tell you what is happening no matter what their sister says. They have a right to feel safe.

I'm glad she's out of your home for now. You're lucky you have friends that were willing to step up and help out. Don't feel like you've failed. You haven't. Your daughter has a lot of issues and is a teen on top of those issues. Not a fun combo in the best of times. Having your husband gone doesn't make it easier for any of you.

HUGS

 

[flutterbee]

I just wanted to add my welcome. :flower:

 

[ck1]

Meowbunny is so right about everything she said. You have to call the police each and every time she gives you a reason to. My difficult child is the same age and grade. He got violent with husband (his step-dad) for the very first time ever after smoking pot for three weeks. That bought him about five months out of the house (detention center and Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)). He's been home almost a month now and so far so good.

Welcome...you have found many others in the same boat! You should find lots of great advice here and no judgement, great place to vent and bounce ideas off of others. Hang in there and follow your intincts!

 

[tammyjh]

Just wanted to add my welcome as well.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Welcome from this corner as well. You might also call your local juvenile court intake office and inquire about a CHINS program ... it can put some legal "teeth" behind whatever consequences you give her.

I also agree on calling the police for any violent behavior. Start keeping a journal, to help you destress as well as to document.

 

[Star*]

Welcome !!!!!

Without a doubt - when you allow a child to do unsafe things in your home - you are saying without saying it - that it is acceptable behavior. If that is something you can deal with then deal with it. If it's not - don't threaten the police - call them.

Every time we make threats to our kids it makes it one step harder to actually make them believe we are serious about them making changes in their behavior - and you have a right to be safe in your own home as others also have said.

Glad you found us. This board seems to forge armor for parents who have none!! :warrior:

Hugs
Star

 

[drained1]

thank you all so much for the comments. it makes me feel better in a way. Yes the treatment facility is from 3 - 6 mos. waiting for the hospital she was in to fax all her evaluations. the discharge summary shows they did testing and the discharge coordinator thinks it will be a good place for her. my contact at teh treatment facility is on vacation this week so another week on hold. i believe actions = consequences. a fact she never totally grasped or accepted. i have said the difficult child was always the bamboo shoot, never teh willow tree. it is very hard but i feel i am on teh right track. this is to help me keep my sanity along with prayer. husband comes home next month for his 10day leave, then will again go back overseas till sometime late summer if they dont get extended....so looking forward to next month so mom here can re-charge and re-group. Thank you all for the support. It means so much.

 

[ck1]

Without a doubt - when you allow a child to do unsafe things in your home - you are saying without saying it - that it is acceptable behavior. If that is something you can deal with then deal with it. If it's not - don't threaten the police - call them.

Star is exactly right. That's why I called the police the very first time my difficult child was violent. Of course I didn't want to, but if I didn't, it would be giving difficult child a green light to go ahead and be violent whenever he didn't get his way. I'm not sure if I would have had the strength or courage to call the police if I hadn't already been coming to this board for a little while before our incident.

We actually had called the police the night before when difficult child was punching holes in the wall and threw a large speaker at the wall, but they couldn't take him away for that. They did come and talk him down, but they couldn't do anything until/unless he was violent with a person.

I'm happy to read that you feel you're on the right road. It may be a long one, but making progress is a good feeling, keep it up! Actions = consequences is a VERY important for all kids, especially G'sFG, to learn.