Newbie looking for support/advice separating from emotions

[gmdem13]

I'm new here - and still getiing used to the site. The site came highly reccommended.

This has been a long time coming, and I can't seem to figure out how to handle it. I, being a primary "step parent" figure to Buzz and wheezy, of course look out for whats best for them. Woody, was in a relationship with their mother Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) for 8 years. Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) was a cheater, a liar, and very mentally and well as on occasion physically abusive towards woody. never the boys, luckily. Woody has since been walking on eggshells around Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), and very passive.
Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) decides when woody and I can and connot se or have the kids, and it seems to be more cannot than can. (woody presently waiting for court date on the matter). Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) is set in her way to push both myself, and woody, their father, out of the kids lives. With Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), Wheezy is most frequently pushed aside when it comes to the kids, and Buzz tends to be favored in most situations, even though wheezy should be getting more attention in many ways. Weezy was caught (3) times, stashing and not completeing his school work - Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) sent a letter (with wheezy) to take to the teacher. Needless to say the teacher never got it.

Wheezy doe not get the help he needs in school - and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) does not care to get him the help he needs. He is extremely impressionable and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and her family do not teach the general "goods" and "bads". Sids stepfather is very open about fire arms and weapons, which woody and I try to keep in line when he is with us, but because Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) rarely let us see them, I feel that Wheezy is too mezmorized by weapons, and guns, and killing things, (video games do not help either).
We have noticed as of late that everytime Wheezy gets excited about something he yells out "Oh, man I could kill myself!" I don't know how this can be taken from any other situation than someone is saying this at home, and it is not being addressed.

As of this morning, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and Woody met for a court date on Child support, where Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) was caught in (2) lies, one in regards to back payment, and one in regards to us not helping with the children and buying them clothes, and school supplies as needed. - Thank goodness that was all figured out!
Everytime we buy them anything, they tell us - "I wanna keep this at your house, because mom will throw it away. She actually threw away a mothers day gift we brought them to get for her. in front of them. as well as a christmas card we gave her with the boys pictures.

My question being - Not being the biological parent. I have little to no say in what happens at school, or at Sensory Integration Disorder (SID)'s home. Is there anything we can over-ride her on when it comes to school work? do we have say? and if not, how do I go about detaching myself from this situation, and not letting it get to me as bad. I would do absolutely anything for this little buy, and I see myself and all the difficulties I went through at his age (school, and add, focusing wise) that it absolutely rips me apart. I don't want wheezy to go down the wrong path, although all things considered, it looks like that is happening. I feel helpless.


what can I do?!

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there and welcome to the board.

Let me get your question straight: You want to know if you can have a say so over home issues such as homework?

 

[gmdem13]

Thank you for the welcome! I'm so glad to be here!
Correct, and if not - How do you cope with watching someone suffer and knowing you cannot do a thing? I have become the prime mother figure with Wheezy, only because I know what he is going through, and I am and have been extremely protective over him especially, since the day I met him. more of less because his mom pushes him aside when it comes to the older son, buzz

 

[buddy]

I am not sure of the exact question here.... but from the schools perspective, when I have had parents who are not together but both have custody or rights then we had to send duplicate of everything to both addresses (unless the parents opted to not do that in writing)... so that way both parents know conferences are coming up, both know of an IEP meeting, both know if grades are not good etc.

As a step parent you only have whatever permission the legal parents/guardians have allowed you and the school needs to see that in writing.

We have discussed one thing here on the board though, one way to help this child fundamentally... which will ultimately help to allow the child to be able to concentrate and do their best, is to NOT put them between parents. Never (no matter what a jerk the bio mom is) let this child think anything but that ALL of you have his best interests at heart. Even if bio mom is bashing you... do not go there. In the end, your relationship will be ruined and the child ends up feeling terrible...like they came from these bad people and they are teh cause of the problems (kids always think the world revolves around them, including causing bad things to happen). If you need to correct something the child says about you, just say... oh mom must have misunderstood. That happens with grown-ups.... I would love to come to your play at school... ( or whatever the issue is)....

In terms of homework and support, when he is with you... have a routine set up... Offer breaks, special hot chocolate (or whatever comfort drink...water in a special cool cup with a swirly straw or whatever... a special "homework office" just for him... no one can bug him there.... and a plan for what to do when homework is over. He can have a bell or a card to hold up if he needs help or if he is the kind to want someone to sit with him then do that. If he has an IEP, then read the accommodations. Do the same at home... like be a scribe while he answers the questions using his voice... or read the questions aloud for him if not a reading assignment. lots of stuff can be done... if you write the specific needs there are many parents here who can give hints on how to help.

 

[AnnieO]

Hi... Welcome!!! (Toy Story fan?)

Onyxx and Jett are my Buzz and Wheezy. And you are in a tough spot, because... You have NO legal rights. You are "only" a stepmother. BUT...

"Only" - HAHAHAHA! YOU are going to end up being the strong one, trust me. BONUS MOM, I say.

From a stepmom's perspective - A lot of people will try to tell you not to replace the kids' mom. Yup. They're right. When you have a not-good situation, you don't want to, anyway. You are your own person... So...

#1 - If your husband has court ordered visitation, and the kids are not getting to spend time with their father - it's all in how you phrase it - he may have to file with the court. been there done that, it was horrid. If he is paying support, he should have ordered visitation, because support is based on how much time the kids are with him/bio. However... You cannot tie support to visitation, i.e., he can't NOT pay support because he doesn't see the kids. Ugh.

#2 - Any time the kids have with their Dad and you - please, please, please don't say anything negative about biomom. They'll figure it out on their own. It could take YEARS. It might not.

#3 - School. If Dad has normal parental rights, i.e. access to school & day care records (extremely common), he can add you as an emergency contact. HOWEVER - they have attempt to contact bio & your husband first, then they can call you. Go to parent-teacher conferences, IEP meetings, etc. with your husband - you're involved, you're part of the family - but you won't sign anything, of course. Anything that you say, however, can be put in the record. Make it clear in this way that you are involved, that you care - but don't be pushy! (This isn't for you, it's for the kids.)

There's not much YOU can do to override biomom. You CAN, however, show Wheezy and Buzz you love them - in YOUR way. Don't try to be someone else.

And if I sounded harsh? I apologize... I've been with my husband for almost 8 1/2 years, married 6 1/2, alternating weekends for 2 years, every weekend for 2 years, residential for 2 years, and sole custody (husband of course) for almost 3 years now. I've been there. It's a LOT OF WORK.

 

[buddy]

WOW step, much like my own parents/step parent.... You prove the point... a good step mom is a GREAT MOM.

 

[gmdem13]

Oh - we NEVER talk bad about their mother, her talking about us is a different story. but we act as if we all work together, and we correct them and tell them, their mother loves them very much when they say "i hate mom", the whole nine. The problem being - We have gone to the boy's school multiple times, (4) to be exact, everytime we go to get our name put on the list for multiple school documents, We never recieve any documents and Woody gets a call from Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) screaming that he "went behind her back and talked to the school." although, we recently found out that Buzz's teacher has been giving him multiples of all of his paperwork for over a year now, and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) throws it out when he gets home from school instead of it getting to our house. I'm not sure why they are not just mailing it to us, but they are not at all cooperating. Any time we try to set up an appointment with the school, they call Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), and she says "the appointment does not have to be made".... and just like that. it is not made.

Both of the children have become completely aware, on their own of their mothers ways. Jacob will tell us about school concerts, and things that he wants us at, and say, "I know mom won't tell you, but I have this, on this date". We brought them to a birthday party one day, and when we dropped them off at Sensory Integration Disorder (SID)'s home, not only was the oldest son speaking openly about them NEVER having homework time at their mothers, and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) merely telling Wheezy that he is "not good enough" but, Wheezy went as far as to hide his goody bag under the front porch, so that he could keep his toys and candy without mom throwing it away.

I had a step-parent - step son talk with wheezy about a month ago regarding his school work. hoping that he would trust in me enough to tell me what he is not telling his mother or school teachers. When I had explained to him the anxiety, and ADD, and ADHD I experienced in school, and how I used to stash my homework, to the point where my mother would bring me to school and dump out my desk, etc. Wheezy began to open up, completely. He told me that he has trouble focusing when he is in school. He doesn't understand much of what is going on in his classroom and he doesn't do his homework because nobody makes him. He said that when he goes home, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) usually goes out and they usually go with her. He said that he would rather watch TV instead of his homework because Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) spends so much time talking to Buzz, and when Wheezy trys to join in conversation, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) dismisses him by saying, "you wouldn't understand, go watch TV".

 

[gmdem13]

Thank you sooo mcuh - this was all so helpful. Unfortunately, we are still awaiting the date for visitation. so as of now, We only get the boys Thursday nights 4:30-6pm. No later than 4:28 or she will tell us to leave and we can't have them. no later than 6pm, or we will not get them on sunday. Sundays anywhere from 9am-12:30pm to 6:30pm. (sundays are taken and given as Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) pleases, as she loves walking all over my woody. How do we get started with the IEP? I think its something that should be looked into for Wheezy, and I think fast.

 

[AnnieO]

Only too familiar... I wish I had something to make it all better.

Your husband needs to get a copy of the order that says he has access to the school, and tell them if they refuse to comply with meetings, he will take THEM to court. (Jett's bio had the elementary giving him medications without husband's knowledge or consent - and they were the kind that COULD interact with other medications. Jett let the cat out of the bag...)

As for the multiples of paperwork, instead of mailing, have the school email them, or failing that, pick them up once a week. We had to do this when bio accused us of stealing her school pictures... We got them and sent them back. Jett still had them in his bookbag! (And then last year she had HIM swipe our only 8x10. GAH!)

The school has to follow court orders, too.

 

[AnnieO]

The IEP - he will need to be evaluated for any learning disabilities - and an ADHD diagnosis most certainly will open the doors. It needs to be requested from the school in writing... There's a lot of information in the Special Education forum.