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<blockquote data-quote="ShakinThingzUp" data-source="post: 93184" data-attributes="member: 4250"><p>Hi Naomi,</p><p></p><p>I'm pretty new here myself, and wanted to join in with everyone's welcome.</p><p></p><p>My step daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and had a similar background to your daughters. We went through 2 years of helping her heal with the issues you are describing.</p><p></p><p>The book "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas is the book that helped me understand my daughter better, and find new ways to help her as a parent. I had to learn new ways to be "mom" and get creative!</p><p></p><p>The main thing is that kids like ours do not understand responsibility & do not understand consequences at all..... they just don't have a conscience basically, because they were never taught to empathize with anyone else. I could go on and on.</p><p></p><p>With Megan, I had to remove ALL - and I mean, ALL privileges (radios, cd players, tv, everything) and take her back to the basics. I had her earn each thing back, one by one... and to "earn it back" took a long time - proving she could maintain the good behavior, not just act it out for a few days.</p><p></p><p>Megan threw rages in the store over what type of pen I would buy her, she would spit on her brother in the car, and literally blame him for her having to do it... She threw herself on the floor, kicked the walls and basically made my life a living hell. She stole from me, then denied it even when caught red-handed. She hid my things from me just to enjoy watching me search for them... She pretended to not know how to do school work, just so she could get me frustrated trying to help her and she could try to get out of doing it completely. It was a nightmare.</p><p></p><p>I am happy to report that after 4 years, a good therapist and a lot of support, that Megan (my daughter) has come a very long way. She no longer throws fits at all (the worst I get now is teenager eye-rolling - YAY something "normal.") She is respectful and helpful and an A/B honor roll student.</p><p></p><p>How did we get there?</p><p>It was a long road.</p><p></p><p>For us, starting at the beginning, with nothing, was the key.</p><p>ALL PRIVILEGES were removed, and Megan earned each back over a long period of time by proving she could behave as she should... that she would CONSISTENTLY make good choices on her own.</p><p>I'm not going to sugar coat this...</p><p>In the beginning, it got worse. The first few weeks, she lashed out at me and didn't understand. (There was no longer any way to try and manipulate me and she didn't get it, she truly didn't understand why her tactics were not working. I was not getting upset, how on earth was she going to get what she wanted!!!)</p><p></p><p>She felt that way because in the past, she had to do these kinds of behaviors to get food, to SURVIVE. She didn't know HOW to stop trying to control everything. It was instinctual.</p><p></p><p>My advice to you would be to read the book I listed above as well as the Explosive Child book suggested by others.</p><p></p><p>Nancy Thomas' book is a real eye opener for parents of children who have had attachment problems. It truly helped me understand how my daughters mind was working - helped me get inside her head so to speak. It gave me new perspective.</p><p></p><p>I also read other books and learned to have love in my eyes, even when correcting her. I learned to be witty and quick with my responses and not to let her catch me off guard. I learned to be creative with discipline (pull the car over during a tantrum and have her get out and do a few laps around the car to get her energy out) so that I would catch HER off guard....</p><p></p><p>Knowledge and support are key.</p><p>Take it one day at a time.</p><p>I'll be glad to help any way I can.</p><p></p><p>God Bless!</p><p>Amy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ShakinThingzUp, post: 93184, member: 4250"] Hi Naomi, I'm pretty new here myself, and wanted to join in with everyone's welcome. My step daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and had a similar background to your daughters. We went through 2 years of helping her heal with the issues you are describing. The book "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas is the book that helped me understand my daughter better, and find new ways to help her as a parent. I had to learn new ways to be "mom" and get creative! The main thing is that kids like ours do not understand responsibility & do not understand consequences at all..... they just don't have a conscience basically, because they were never taught to empathize with anyone else. I could go on and on. With Megan, I had to remove ALL - and I mean, ALL privileges (radios, cd players, tv, everything) and take her back to the basics. I had her earn each thing back, one by one... and to "earn it back" took a long time - proving she could maintain the good behavior, not just act it out for a few days. Megan threw rages in the store over what type of pen I would buy her, she would spit on her brother in the car, and literally blame him for her having to do it... She threw herself on the floor, kicked the walls and basically made my life a living hell. She stole from me, then denied it even when caught red-handed. She hid my things from me just to enjoy watching me search for them... She pretended to not know how to do school work, just so she could get me frustrated trying to help her and she could try to get out of doing it completely. It was a nightmare. I am happy to report that after 4 years, a good therapist and a lot of support, that Megan (my daughter) has come a very long way. She no longer throws fits at all (the worst I get now is teenager eye-rolling - YAY something "normal.") She is respectful and helpful and an A/B honor roll student. How did we get there? It was a long road. For us, starting at the beginning, with nothing, was the key. ALL PRIVILEGES were removed, and Megan earned each back over a long period of time by proving she could behave as she should... that she would CONSISTENTLY make good choices on her own. I'm not going to sugar coat this... In the beginning, it got worse. The first few weeks, she lashed out at me and didn't understand. (There was no longer any way to try and manipulate me and she didn't get it, she truly didn't understand why her tactics were not working. I was not getting upset, how on earth was she going to get what she wanted!!!) She felt that way because in the past, she had to do these kinds of behaviors to get food, to SURVIVE. She didn't know HOW to stop trying to control everything. It was instinctual. My advice to you would be to read the book I listed above as well as the Explosive Child book suggested by others. Nancy Thomas' book is a real eye opener for parents of children who have had attachment problems. It truly helped me understand how my daughters mind was working - helped me get inside her head so to speak. It gave me new perspective. I also read other books and learned to have love in my eyes, even when correcting her. I learned to be witty and quick with my responses and not to let her catch me off guard. I learned to be creative with discipline (pull the car over during a tantrum and have her get out and do a few laps around the car to get her energy out) so that I would catch HER off guard.... Knowledge and support are key. Take it one day at a time. I'll be glad to help any way I can. God Bless! Amy [/QUOTE]
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