Newbie-seeking advice and help

[recoveringenabler]

RB, thinking of you this morning. As COM and ECHO have told you, this is the time for you to take a deep breath, know he is safe, and take care of YOU. Rest. Nurture yourself. For now, practice taking the focus off of him and placing it on yourself. You know where he is. He made a good choice.

For a long time, the times I could really relax were when my daughter was in jail. I learned after 4 stints in jail, that those were the times to step back and rest and let go..........

This is like a war zone, this is your R&R.

Sending hugs. This is hard stuff. Take a break............

 

[RBMom]

These past couple of days have been good since difficult child was admitted to rehab, not having to worry about where he is. I've had my life back. difficult child is in a dual diagnosis treatment but his attitude is awful. He called and asked me to get in touch with his probation officer to let him know where he is. After thinking it over I made the call. Probation officer wants the rehab to fax him proof of difficult child being in rehab. He also told me to tell my difficult child to sign a release so he could speak directly to someone from the rehab about him. I hate being stuck in the middle but I figure since difficult child is seeking treatment I'd help him out. When I told difficult child that his probation officer wanted him to sign a release he said he wouldn't do that. Started calling him nasty names on the phone and was getting mad at me. Anybody had to deal with this before? What kind of support have you given your difficult child while in rehab and what kind of support after rehab? When difficult child gets out he'll still have nowhere to live.

 

[Childofmine]

Yes, I have asked difficult child multiple times to sign releases, and he never has. Then, he wants me to call probation officers and county workers and public defenders once he is in jail. I have done what you did, thinking I was being helpful, only to find out nothing and have no idea what is really going on.

I would tell him I will do nothing more, not one single thing, until he signs allowing the rehab to share information with you and the PO to share information with you.

Then, you can talk with the social workers there specifically about how they will help him transition back to the "real world." Most go to halfway houses, where there are lots of rules and regulations and they can ease back into the world.

If he won't sign, you can still find out what transition services are offered, just not specifically about his situation.

When I paid for my son to go to rehab for a month, they strongly encouraged him to go straight to a halfway house that they operate, but he refused to do it.

Once you can see that they will help him----but he has to agree---you can let go of the outcome and realize he has to do this.

in my humble opinion, unless I can see lasting, consistent and significant change in attitude, thinking and behavior---and get confirmation of desire to change from the professionals as well---my difficult child would never spend even one night at my house.

Warm hugs, you're doing great. Keep it up.

 

[toughlovin]

I have been in this situation many times. If his attitude is awful he is not there yet…. but really that is not for you to fix. It clearly will help him if the rehab faxes the probation officer. Has he signed a release for you to talk to the rehab? If not they will not talk to you either. So I would tell him that he needs to sign a release for you to talk to the rehab otherwise there is no way you can help him. If he doesn't sign then there really is nothing you can do. If he has signed then I would call the counselor at rehab and tell them that probation wants a fax that he is there and of course they will need a release. And let them handle it (or not) with him.

When my gig has been in rehab willingly then he has usually signed releases when needed. The recent place he was at for 6 months, he signed the release allowing them to call us if he left (a requirement for him to stay there) but did not sign for more detailed info but that was ok with me. I do not need the details of his treatment.

So I would support him while he is in rehab….but if he gets nasty with you then I would tell him you are not going to talk to him and hang up. Don't put up with him treating you badly.

 

[Echolette]

RB,

there isn't anything you can do if he won't cooperate. It is just obnoxios for him to ask you to call probation officers and do legwork for him but then not sign releases...ridiculous. You said you don't want to be in the middle..there is no middle because he isn't holding up his end. There is only endlessness that you are stuck in.

I would tell him I will do nothing more, not one single thing, until he signs allowing the rehab to share information with you and the PO to share information with you.

Totally agree.

If his attitude is awful he is not there yet…. but really that is not for you to fix.

haha as if you could fix it (Echo laughs bitterly).

He isn't there yet. I wouldn't put any more effort into it. Save it for when he looks like he is ready to change.

Echo

 

[RBMom]

Talked to my difficult child again today from rehab. He said he called his probation officer to talk about what's going on. Said insurance is covering him until Thursday and they'll have to ask for more time. difficult child's attitude is better now than before. H is counselor says he won't be able to stay at any after care residential house because he's on probation for assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. They won't accept anyone with that type of criminal activity. His counselor has been trying to contact a sober house nearby to see if there are any beds, but they haven't returned her calls. My husband and I are willing to pay for that but my difficult child is continuing to say that he doesn't think he'll be able to stay at a sober house. He can't deal with all the people, all the confusion, and on and on. If that's the case we'll be back to where we started. difficult child will get out of rehab and be on the streets. We can't allow him to stay here anymore.

 

[BusynMember]

RBMom, listen to your son! He is telling you that if you spend the money, it will be wasted...that he will not stay, that he doesn't want to stay. Too often, and I've done it myself, we try to "help" anyway. Unless you are rich enough to throw money to the wind, let him go to wherever he goes after he is discharged. He is telling you that he doesn't want to be sober.

Hugs for all of you!!!

 

[Childofmine]

You know, I was thinking today. Housing is such a problem.

I wish there were places where difficult children could rent a private room with kitchen privileges.

Most halfway houses require you to have a roommate, somebody you don't know. I know that would be hard for me, not to mention an anxious, hyped-up difficult child.

But the difficult child would have to want it, sigh, just like everything else, and be committed to really making it work.

Just thinking here. I said to difficult child on Sunday, when he was talking about a place to live: Too bad you can't find an apartment like your brother had in college (very small attic apartment with a tiny living room, kitchen, bedroom and bath. The ceilings were slanted. easy child lived there for about a year and a half. The rent was $250 a month.

difficult child said, Oh, no, I couldn't live there, it would be too claustrophobic.

Okay. Well, I think that says it.

RB---he will have to do whatever he is going to do. Stick to your guns about your home, your sanctuary. He can't live with you again. That is my deal with my difficult child, and so on Sunday night, after our birthday dinner, which was really nice, he was dropped off at a McDonald's at 8:15 p.m. Hard to think about, but it's reality.

He and only he can do the hard work of change.

Hang in there. Just take it all one day at a a time. Be silent and do nothing. Let him and the professionals deal with what is next for him. Step back and be a silent, encouraging bystander.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Teen Challenge was the center we had chosen for difficult child son. Their aftercare program was amazing.

He refused.

Wishing your son and your family every success, RB.

Cedar

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hi RB Mom,

Wanted you to know that I am reading along and hoping you can detach for your own health and well being. When I found this forum, my difficult child was 32 (he is 33 now) and I fully understand how others may be still trying to help difficult children approaching middle age. It took me a few days just to wrap my mind around the concept. (Only jerks detached from their kids!)

husband and I are so much better now. difficult child may be, too (we hope and pray), but we really have no idea what is going on with him right now. I hope he has gotten nicer.

Your son's demands/requests sound familiar. I look back at allllll the demands and requests our difficult child would present while never giving anything to us (as in no time, no meaningful conversations, never a compliment, never an "i love you" ---unless we had just "loaned him" $30.00--, no invitations, etc.)....husband and i just shake our heads. We always knew when he was about to ask for something. Earlier that day, he would call one of us and engage in a 2-3 minute superficial conversation - to establish that we had a close relationship, i guess, and he was in a good place to ask for help.

It would be funny if it wasn't so NOT funny.

Hoping for the best and that you stay close to the forum.

SS

 

[recoveringenabler]

Where you are RBMom is that place we hit over and over again, the choice to not step in to help. It is a very challenging place filled with all of our fears for our adult kids. However, they make the negative choices, they do that, and not only do they have to live with their poor choices, but we do as well.

The only way I was able to live with those choices was to seek professional help. I had an army of help in many different forms and, RBMom, I made it through each one of those choices. As you will. Get yourself into supportive environments to meet these challenges. Whether it is a 12 step group, private therapy, a parent group, any kind of support group, just so you can have some safe place to vent, receive the care you need, and the tools to help you detach and accept what you cannot change.

This is likely the hardest thing you will ever do, We don't have the background nor the tools nor the knowledge to make the kind of choices this requires of us, most of us need help to do it. Make sure you get that help and take very, very good care of yourself in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. If you make that commitment to yourself, you will get through this and you will be able to feel joy again and peace will find you.

 

[RBMom]

difficult child called from rehab on Thursday and said he was ready to leave and could I pick him up. After talking to his counselor I agreed to it. We no sooner got in the car when he mentioned a personal health problem he had been experiencing for several days. He asked me to stop at a drugstore and get something for it, which I did. I allowed difficult child to come into my house to take care of the problem. With the condition he was in I just couldn't let him out on the streets like that. We ended up having a really good discussion about everything and with him saying he's done with drinking. He just wants to find a job, make money, and start living in a motel. husband and I had a talk and allowed difficult child to sleep at our house since he still wasn't feeling well. The next day we all had another talk and came to some realistic agreements- one being that when a room is available at a really good sober house nearby, difficult child would go there. In the meantime he could stay with us. difficult child went right to work applying for a job and filling out some online applications for financial assistance. He called his probation officer again and went to his community service. Tonight we all went to a movie and out to supper. Things have been calm, positive, and stress free. I feel I've made a good decision since difficult child went for treatment and he's not drinking. I've always held the belief that when someone makes an effort to change you should support them. Feeling hopeful for difficult child right now and that I've made a good decision. Thank you all for listening and offering suggestions.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It's never wrong to love them, never wrong to believe in them or to help them when they are willing to help themselves.

I am very happy for you. It sounds like you have a good plan in place.

:0)

Cedar