moonglow
New Member
I realize that..I only mention my faith because in our case it did stop the rages my son was having....nothing else was working. To leave out that information and say, well it just happened who knows why, wouldn't be helpful or truthful. I realize there are many of different beliefs on here and I respect that. It really makes no difference to me what beliefs or nonbeliefs a person has. I know the heart ache, the tears, the stress...of having a child like this and offer this information for those that will receive if..if not, that is fine too.
I also realize I haven't posted on in a long time and most of you don't know me either. I mean no offense to anyone at all. Thank you for your kind words and well wishes.
ATaLOSS..thanks for explaining how you discipline your son. Every difficult child says they don't care when we take something from them for bad behavior. Personally I think many do care, they just don't want us to know it. I think you are doing a great job from the sounds of it and not backing down and being very consistent...and I think you are right that he is being influenced by the things his dad says about you. That has got to stop for sure! The damage this does to any child is huge...which you realize but apparently dad doesn't..or doesn't care...
If your son is going to have any hope of getting better his dad really needs to help with it. Sadly I have seen posts after posts on here over the years where dad (and in some cases) mom, just wouldn't and inspite of everything the other parent did, they were helpless through the courts or anything else to get the other one to quit acting like a difficult child themselves! Plus trying to prove emotional abuse is extremely difficult. I know..been there done that. My son, at the time his dad was still around was too young and too frightened to tell me anything. He didn't start really talking about it until after his dad was in jail for six months..when he felt safe enough. Then it was just giving me a little information here and there. Then slowly I began realizing how bad it was. He also abused the pets too...something he saw his dad do when he was drunk.
Of course I was horrified over that. I tried everything to stop that too. I banned him from touching then for days at a time...I talked to him about it...gave all sorts of conquenses but when he was upset he took it out on the pets. Again the only thing that helped was spiritual warfare in this case. I have no other explanation. He was in therapy...nothing was helping on this. I have a very tender heart for animals and all our pets are rescued ...dumped or abandoned so of course all of this horrified me to no end. My ex did alot of damage to Nate that is for sure. Its taken years to undo that damage. Nate was almost five..a few months from being five when his dad was arrested and he hasn't seen him since. At first I let him talk to his dad a few times on the phone because at that time he was very protective of his dad. Most abused kids are. They want SO badly to just be loved by that abusive parent and they blame themselves too for it. One time Nate said if he was just good enough, (meaning behaved and was perfect all the time) his dad would quit being mean to him. Just broke my heart into a thousand pieces. He was blaming himself for his dad bad behavior. Its very hard to talk a young child out of this too. Very hard. I can't tell you how many thousands of times I had to tell him I loved him no matter what. No matter how bad our day was at bedtime I always told him I loved him. I had to stop phone calls from his dad because ex just kept being nasty to me and I wouldn't put up with it not too mention pay a big phone bill to listen to him be mean to me..I don't think so.
I think you are doing everything right I really do. I let Nate earn his things back too. It really helped his anxiety and helped him feel more in control of things which calmed him down some. With his dad, things were always out of control which is why Nate would rage and act up in the first place. What I did with him is have him do an extra chore. Nothing hard, things like mop the kitchen floor, clean the toilet in the bathroom or the sink. The idea was to show him I was the boss, not him, but he could earn back whatever he lost. Sometimes that took all day for him to give in and do those chores too...but the choice was his. When he did it. That gave him a sense of control..but yet I was still in charge, not him. When I first started doing this it was one big huge all day long battle! But gradually it got easier.
The odd thing was once he started doing the chore he would start singing! lol. The first time he did that, started singing, I was so shocked! I thought, hey you aren't suppose to be enjoying this. lol. His whole mood would just be so much better and I couldn't figure out why. Finally it dawned on me...all kids like boundaries. It makes them feel safe! That was something he didn't have with his dad. Eventually he got where he would do the chores right away. No arguing, no delaying. No protesting and now very rarely do I have to do this at all. In fact anymore just getting after him is enough to stop whatever he is doing.
But you have an uphill battle in regards to his dad. Its doubtful his dad has a clue when your son is headed in the future if things don't change either. Alot of damage to undo. I think with Nate the hardest thing to figure out was how much was actually him..and how much was he affected and changed by his dad. If his dad was still in his life..oh my gosh..I hate to even think where Nate would be now.
When his dad went to jail it was just my son and I and there were many days I didn't know if I was going to get through the day. I had my mom to help though and take him when I couldn't handle anymore! She and her husband have been a big help over the years.
Keep us posted as to how things are going.
Julie
