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Newbie to site- alone in my battle to help my 7yr old
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<blockquote data-quote="moonglow" data-source="post: 314733" data-attributes="member: 256"><p>Hi..my name is Julie...your story is mine many years ago...like many of us on here. I joined this board when my son was three or four..I think three...my current join date on here isn't correct...everything got lost some years ago and everyone had to start over again. Anyway, my son is now 13..and doing so well I rarely come over here anymore. I know what its like to have my arms covered in bruises and scratches and bite marks and to be sprayed in the face with a cleaning product, and nearly hit over the head with a brick or stabbed with a stick...and to have to hide all the knives...the whole nine yards. And to be told during a rage he wanted to cut my head off like a chicken..and wanted to go to hell and help the devil kill me and others. All those horrible things. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>My son though never had video games but when his dad got him on visitation he watched horror movies and thought Nate wasn't pay attention because he was playing with his toys. Well he was paying attention cause he would come home and repeat some of them too me in which I would call his dad and tell him to quit being stupid. Not that it helped any..<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>Anyway I don't want to do a long post telling you my story when its so much like yours...I wanted to make a couple of suggestions:</p><p></p><p>On the video games..with any child, especially a difficult child (gift from God)...you need to replace it with something else just as good. My son loves playing games online and on his DS. When he was your son's age, he played games on Nick and Disney websites. He plays pokemon alot where the pokemon battle each other. Maybe replace some of those games with these types. The people in them never fight each other...are in fact respectful towards each other. There is no blood or gore or anything gruesome..no cussing either. Boys gravitate towards fighting and battles just due to their make up...but it can be re-directed towards ways that don't cause them to dis-respect others or solve their problems through violence because that is what they learn on some video's. </p><p></p><p>My concern is for him this will be very much like a punishment to him, something he is getting enough from his dad already. I suspect his anxiety is already sky high and having things change even for his own good, is only going to make that worse and make him feel worse. While I understand you need to get rid of those that promote violence towards others for sure..try to replace them with something fun but harmless. (ps..ALL kids, anyone, can have anxiety and it not be an anxiety disorder but just going through a difficult stressful time in their lives by the way)</p><p></p><p>My son raged and attacked me and others because of his anxiety being out of control..and also due to being emotionally abused by his dad. He had extreme rage and was deeply hurt over how his dad treated him. He didn't have the words to express his feeling so he acted then out. I was taught how to restrain him so he was unable to hurt himself or me...sometimes that took pinning him to the ground with me holding his arms down and my legs over his so he couldn't kick me and he couldn't head butt me either. I have a bad back to so this wasn't easy to do but I had to do it so neither of us got hurt. Only one time did I leave finger mark bruises on his arm from restraining him and I let the school know what happened. I have been slapped and punched and spit in the face before too..its very hard to not react to that...at least it was for me. I would get so angry myself I really did want to hit him back...but of course I controlled that. I think your ex husband is reacting...I think he really doesn't know what to do. I doubt it has dawned on him that cutting his son's hair like that would cause other kids to make fun of him...too many times parents aren't in tune to how the clothes their kids wear or hair cuts or whatever will have a backlash for them at school. Whatever his reasoning is though for what he is doing..its going to make things worse. </p><p></p><p>Around here buzz cuts aren't a big deal..especially for young kids and no one thinks a thing of them actually. I think your ex is just clueless as to what to do but really may be doing the best he knows how. Parenting classes do not teach us how to handle kids like this! So I image he is as lost as you are, as to what to do and simply reacts with emotions rather then thinking things through very well and it sounds like his pride has gotten in the way of good judgment too. Anxiety disorders can run in families and they can present in rages and sleep problems and all sorts of things. </p><p></p><p>I had my son checked out for all sort of things too...you name it I did it. At one time he had a long list of diagnoses. It got so bad I was afraid to have him tested for anything else cause they kept finding something wrong with him..<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> It was very depressing for sure. </p><p></p><p>I got him early though...had him tested in preschool for a sensory integration disorder...he also had fine and gross motor delays. They did therapy on all of these through Early Ed here. He also had bad allergies...was sick alot. Got him allergy shots..had him on a special diet for several years as he tested as being allergic to milk, eggs, soy and yeast..red dye 40 really set him off! Horrible rages after having anything with that or yeast in it. No root beer for him and certainly no pop with caffeine in it. Later had him tested for a learning disability..another source of anxiety for him because he did have Learning Disability (LD) in reading and spelling. Ended up holding him back in first grade as he just was not reading. Got him and IEP for it and that helped SO much. Just two weeks ago they retested him on everything and his scores were so high they said he no longer has a learning disability! This is really, really huge for him! All that hard work paid off. ! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> A child struggling in school can act out too if they aren't getting the help they need. </p><p></p><p>He also hasn't raged in years...the rages stopped I think when he was nine..what worked for us ..well frankly was spiritual warfare. I am a Christian. And after years of therapy...(he started going when he was three) all kinds of medication that never helped, behavior modification, reading about every book suggested on here...I was at my wits end. he was getting bigger and stronger and I didn't know how much longer I could keep him safe. Since his dad was out of the picture and had been for years (in prison) it was literally all up to me. I was scared to death he would have to go live in a mental hospital because I couldn't keep us both safe..<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> So while I had been praying of course for years for God to help my son, my prayers were finally answered by someone that taught me how to do this and as silly as it all sounded, I was desperate enough to try anything. I studied it and I prayed and finally I just did it. (without my son knowing it though) And it worked!</p><p></p><p>I won't say it would work for every child that has these type of problems because some really have chemical imbalance in the brain that have to be treated just like we treat any medical condition and they need medication and alot of professional support in place. My son at one time had a therapist, an attendant care worker, a crisis care worker for when he had one of his rages for me to call for help and a psychiatrist...the one that does his medications. Over time as he gradually got better, they started dropping these..so now he just has the therapist who most of the time says he doesn't even know what goals to set for Nate anymore cause he is doing so well..and the psychiatrist as he still takes buspar and Clonidine. </p><p></p><p>Also no more allergy shots...they helped for awhile but then I think they just weren't. No more special diet anymore..I believe God healed his food allergies. Nate and I still struggle with airborne allergies of course but at least now I don't have to stand over the cooks in school to make sure they get his meal right! lol. (one time I did a surprise visit at his preschool and they had given him a huge plate of mac and cheese then the cook argued with me saying cheese didn't come from milk!) ugh!!! </p><p></p><p>Take one thing at a time...there is hope. </p><p></p><p>You should NOT feel guilty for turning him over to his dad...you are NOT a bad mom..ok? You are not superwoman and no one would ever expect you to just take a beating from him. Once I knew how to restrain my son the right way, so I didn't hurt him...you can bet I did! I had to get strong and tough and hang on for dear life and I was always worn out afterwards...but no way was I going to just take being abused by my own child either! It didn't help his dad put me down and bad talked me and women in general to Nate...then Nate had no respect for me...his dad made it much worse for me that way. He undermined my authority so my son thought he could be disrespectful and nasty to me too. </p><p></p><p>One more thing...sorry this is so long but you need to tell us how you discipline him. A difficult child doesn't respond to discipline the same way most children do. If my son today talked to me like he did in the past I would be in his face telling him firmly and probably loudly that he is to never, ever talk to me that way..ever. And I would tell him what the conquenses would be..loss of getting on the computer, loss of playing his DS and maybe the loss of the TV. I have even had to go down stairs and unscrew the cable in the past because he would turn the TV back on! Of course he would rant and rave..I am going to kill myself..you hate me...all that usually stuff. In which I would respond with...do you need to go to the hospital? If you are really thinking of hurting yourself then you need to get help and go to the hospital. </p><p></p><p>And I have called the police on him a couple of times too. The last time was three years ago in fact when he had a rare raving fit and was making threats though he didn't try to hurt me...but was threatening to hurt himself. That was last time and I think it showed him I wasn't messing around. My son tends too over react like many difficult child's on here and as their parents we have to be as tough, as bull headed and as strong as they are to get them through this. But we have to also know when to back off and let them cool down even if we are ready to explode at them ourselves! And know when to be tender and when they finally break down and cry, just hold them. </p><p></p><p>It isn't easy but the rewards can be great!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="moonglow, post: 314733, member: 256"] Hi..my name is Julie...your story is mine many years ago...like many of us on here. I joined this board when my son was three or four..I think three...my current join date on here isn't correct...everything got lost some years ago and everyone had to start over again. Anyway, my son is now 13..and doing so well I rarely come over here anymore. I know what its like to have my arms covered in bruises and scratches and bite marks and to be sprayed in the face with a cleaning product, and nearly hit over the head with a brick or stabbed with a stick...and to have to hide all the knives...the whole nine yards. And to be told during a rage he wanted to cut my head off like a chicken..and wanted to go to hell and help the devil kill me and others. All those horrible things. :( My son though never had video games but when his dad got him on visitation he watched horror movies and thought Nate wasn't pay attention because he was playing with his toys. Well he was paying attention cause he would come home and repeat some of them too me in which I would call his dad and tell him to quit being stupid. Not that it helped any..:( Anyway I don't want to do a long post telling you my story when its so much like yours...I wanted to make a couple of suggestions: On the video games..with any child, especially a difficult child (gift from God)...you need to replace it with something else just as good. My son loves playing games online and on his DS. When he was your son's age, he played games on Nick and Disney websites. He plays pokemon alot where the pokemon battle each other. Maybe replace some of those games with these types. The people in them never fight each other...are in fact respectful towards each other. There is no blood or gore or anything gruesome..no cussing either. Boys gravitate towards fighting and battles just due to their make up...but it can be re-directed towards ways that don't cause them to dis-respect others or solve their problems through violence because that is what they learn on some video's. My concern is for him this will be very much like a punishment to him, something he is getting enough from his dad already. I suspect his anxiety is already sky high and having things change even for his own good, is only going to make that worse and make him feel worse. While I understand you need to get rid of those that promote violence towards others for sure..try to replace them with something fun but harmless. (ps..ALL kids, anyone, can have anxiety and it not be an anxiety disorder but just going through a difficult stressful time in their lives by the way) My son raged and attacked me and others because of his anxiety being out of control..and also due to being emotionally abused by his dad. He had extreme rage and was deeply hurt over how his dad treated him. He didn't have the words to express his feeling so he acted then out. I was taught how to restrain him so he was unable to hurt himself or me...sometimes that took pinning him to the ground with me holding his arms down and my legs over his so he couldn't kick me and he couldn't head butt me either. I have a bad back to so this wasn't easy to do but I had to do it so neither of us got hurt. Only one time did I leave finger mark bruises on his arm from restraining him and I let the school know what happened. I have been slapped and punched and spit in the face before too..its very hard to not react to that...at least it was for me. I would get so angry myself I really did want to hit him back...but of course I controlled that. I think your ex husband is reacting...I think he really doesn't know what to do. I doubt it has dawned on him that cutting his son's hair like that would cause other kids to make fun of him...too many times parents aren't in tune to how the clothes their kids wear or hair cuts or whatever will have a backlash for them at school. Whatever his reasoning is though for what he is doing..its going to make things worse. Around here buzz cuts aren't a big deal..especially for young kids and no one thinks a thing of them actually. I think your ex is just clueless as to what to do but really may be doing the best he knows how. Parenting classes do not teach us how to handle kids like this! So I image he is as lost as you are, as to what to do and simply reacts with emotions rather then thinking things through very well and it sounds like his pride has gotten in the way of good judgment too. Anxiety disorders can run in families and they can present in rages and sleep problems and all sorts of things. I had my son checked out for all sort of things too...you name it I did it. At one time he had a long list of diagnoses. It got so bad I was afraid to have him tested for anything else cause they kept finding something wrong with him..:( It was very depressing for sure. I got him early though...had him tested in preschool for a sensory integration disorder...he also had fine and gross motor delays. They did therapy on all of these through Early Ed here. He also had bad allergies...was sick alot. Got him allergy shots..had him on a special diet for several years as he tested as being allergic to milk, eggs, soy and yeast..red dye 40 really set him off! Horrible rages after having anything with that or yeast in it. No root beer for him and certainly no pop with caffeine in it. Later had him tested for a learning disability..another source of anxiety for him because he did have Learning Disability (LD) in reading and spelling. Ended up holding him back in first grade as he just was not reading. Got him and IEP for it and that helped SO much. Just two weeks ago they retested him on everything and his scores were so high they said he no longer has a learning disability! This is really, really huge for him! All that hard work paid off. ! :) A child struggling in school can act out too if they aren't getting the help they need. He also hasn't raged in years...the rages stopped I think when he was nine..what worked for us ..well frankly was spiritual warfare. I am a Christian. And after years of therapy...(he started going when he was three) all kinds of medication that never helped, behavior modification, reading about every book suggested on here...I was at my wits end. he was getting bigger and stronger and I didn't know how much longer I could keep him safe. Since his dad was out of the picture and had been for years (in prison) it was literally all up to me. I was scared to death he would have to go live in a mental hospital because I couldn't keep us both safe..:( So while I had been praying of course for years for God to help my son, my prayers were finally answered by someone that taught me how to do this and as silly as it all sounded, I was desperate enough to try anything. I studied it and I prayed and finally I just did it. (without my son knowing it though) And it worked! I won't say it would work for every child that has these type of problems because some really have chemical imbalance in the brain that have to be treated just like we treat any medical condition and they need medication and alot of professional support in place. My son at one time had a therapist, an attendant care worker, a crisis care worker for when he had one of his rages for me to call for help and a psychiatrist...the one that does his medications. Over time as he gradually got better, they started dropping these..so now he just has the therapist who most of the time says he doesn't even know what goals to set for Nate anymore cause he is doing so well..and the psychiatrist as he still takes buspar and Clonidine. Also no more allergy shots...they helped for awhile but then I think they just weren't. No more special diet anymore..I believe God healed his food allergies. Nate and I still struggle with airborne allergies of course but at least now I don't have to stand over the cooks in school to make sure they get his meal right! lol. (one time I did a surprise visit at his preschool and they had given him a huge plate of mac and cheese then the cook argued with me saying cheese didn't come from milk!) ugh!!! Take one thing at a time...there is hope. You should NOT feel guilty for turning him over to his dad...you are NOT a bad mom..ok? You are not superwoman and no one would ever expect you to just take a beating from him. Once I knew how to restrain my son the right way, so I didn't hurt him...you can bet I did! I had to get strong and tough and hang on for dear life and I was always worn out afterwards...but no way was I going to just take being abused by my own child either! It didn't help his dad put me down and bad talked me and women in general to Nate...then Nate had no respect for me...his dad made it much worse for me that way. He undermined my authority so my son thought he could be disrespectful and nasty to me too. One more thing...sorry this is so long but you need to tell us how you discipline him. A difficult child doesn't respond to discipline the same way most children do. If my son today talked to me like he did in the past I would be in his face telling him firmly and probably loudly that he is to never, ever talk to me that way..ever. And I would tell him what the conquenses would be..loss of getting on the computer, loss of playing his DS and maybe the loss of the TV. I have even had to go down stairs and unscrew the cable in the past because he would turn the TV back on! Of course he would rant and rave..I am going to kill myself..you hate me...all that usually stuff. In which I would respond with...do you need to go to the hospital? If you are really thinking of hurting yourself then you need to get help and go to the hospital. And I have called the police on him a couple of times too. The last time was three years ago in fact when he had a rare raving fit and was making threats though he didn't try to hurt me...but was threatening to hurt himself. That was last time and I think it showed him I wasn't messing around. My son tends too over react like many difficult child's on here and as their parents we have to be as tough, as bull headed and as strong as they are to get them through this. But we have to also know when to back off and let them cool down even if we are ready to explode at them ourselves! And know when to be tender and when they finally break down and cry, just hold them. It isn't easy but the rewards can be great! [/QUOTE]
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