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Newbie to site- alone in my battle to help my 7yr old
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<blockquote data-quote="ATaLOSS" data-source="post: 314812"><p>Moonglow - I am glad to hear things are so much better for you all now. That gives me hope in light of the fact your situation was so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing your story - I am wide open to trying everything and think I have something to gain from everyone here who opens up and shares, advises, empathizes, encourages, etc. I understand/respect the parameters GoingNorth describes here in this forum so suffice it to say I spend a great deal of quiet time practicing my beliefs and believe it can be very powerful. </p><p> </p><p>As far as the disciplining.... I give him a warning that I am going to take away something - usually his PSP, PS2, or computer games, or if he's going to have a friend spend the night, I threaten to cancel. When I follow through, say if it's his PSP, he'll say "I don't care, I have my PS2!" That's when the PS2 gets revoked. So he'll say "I don't care, I have the computer!" And that's when the computer gets unplugged and I take the cord. Sometimes it's all 3 at once and depending on the circumstances it will be for the night, or the entire weekend, or several weekends. That's when he'll start in with his threats. I stick to the length of time I've given him and bear with his consequences. I will forgive him IF he apologizes but I still stick with the punishment. Life would be much easier if I gave in but I do not. I pick my battles, for instance if it's a Fri night and I want him to take a shower or bath and he resists, I'll tell him he can do it in the a.m. - then the a.m. comes and it's usually a fight but I don't back down. I have given him chances to 'earn' priveleges back on occassion. I do this because I want him to feel positive consequences for positive efforts. I also do not wait until he's 'earnig' things back, but praise and reward him out of the blue when he's being cooperative.</p><p> </p><p>Susiestar - there have been so many times I could have and maybe should have done what you recommend. To tell you the truth I've never even thought of it- I see how that could force alot of positive things for my son. In my first post, I mentioned my older son as being the only one who has truly seen the extent of the rages. My parents understand, mom moreso than dad, and they have been close by. I know I can call on them and a slue of other friends close by that know the situation. For the most part, I have been hesitant to be an 'alarmist'. When I took my ex to court over the 'spankings' and had pictures to show, his attorney called my son a brat and depicted me as a 'pushover' mother. They claimed my son had sensitive skin and was being reasonably disciplined. I was sick over it- but the judge did rule for supervised visits for a short time and 'parenting' classes. That's when I sought help for him. I mentioned my older son because he often asks if I think his brother is being treated 'okay' at his dad's. We talk to the little one and he does not share anything out of the ordinary. I can tell you however, ex bad talks me and my son used to repeat things to me for a while until he started telling me "my dad gets mad at me when I tell you what he says". I have repeatedly told him he is allowed to tell me ANYTHING, ANYTIME he wants and he will never get in trouble with me. I've told him we both love him very much and that's all that matters and it's never okay for us to say bad things about each other. If/when he does share, I'll have to be careful what I do with the information, so as not to incriminate my son. He has told me recently, " I hate you just like my dad hates you!". I do believe that any parent who trashes their child's other parent to the child is abusing that child. Absolutely, hands down, it should never take place. I have emailed his father and stated this loud and clear. Other than this verbage, I do not know exactly what takes place although his wife is present and my son says she is 'nice' to him. Helpless feeling.</p><p> </p><p>Because I have him only every Thurs and every other weekend, there have been fewer physical occurances, but they still happen. These days, it's mostly the scary threats and hateful talk toward me. I will consider the hospital next time he gets physically violent though. I do fear for him and other kids, especially as he gets more comfortable lashing out verbally at school- and his teacher did say he is getting more and more impulsive.</p><p> </p><p>Totoro - thank you so very much for your kind words. I am experiencing and witnessing a lot of strength from mothers like you who are reaching out and sharing their stories. You do give me hope for my son and I am encouraged to hear things are better with K. I hope I can be a source of strength for others and will be able to share successs, even babysteps, one day as you have done with me.</p><p> </p><p>Today, I got online several times intermittently at work - (kept getting pulled away from my easy child) - Man...... it is overwhelming how many sites and agencies there are! I went from one site to another trying to identify where to start. I think I'll call the psychiatrist that referred us to the neurologist and ask him for a referral to a neuropsychologist. The county , city, and state have so many agencies, I probably should just call and ask who I need to talk to about meeting with an advocate. I'm not going to wait for time to do it tomorrow, I'll make the time. </p><p> </p><p>Again - thank you for all your input!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ATaLOSS, post: 314812"] Moonglow - I am glad to hear things are so much better for you all now. That gives me hope in light of the fact your situation was so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing your story - I am wide open to trying everything and think I have something to gain from everyone here who opens up and shares, advises, empathizes, encourages, etc. I understand/respect the parameters GoingNorth describes here in this forum so suffice it to say I spend a great deal of quiet time practicing my beliefs and believe it can be very powerful. As far as the disciplining.... I give him a warning that I am going to take away something - usually his PSP, PS2, or computer games, or if he's going to have a friend spend the night, I threaten to cancel. When I follow through, say if it's his PSP, he'll say "I don't care, I have my PS2!" That's when the PS2 gets revoked. So he'll say "I don't care, I have the computer!" And that's when the computer gets unplugged and I take the cord. Sometimes it's all 3 at once and depending on the circumstances it will be for the night, or the entire weekend, or several weekends. That's when he'll start in with his threats. I stick to the length of time I've given him and bear with his consequences. I will forgive him IF he apologizes but I still stick with the punishment. Life would be much easier if I gave in but I do not. I pick my battles, for instance if it's a Fri night and I want him to take a shower or bath and he resists, I'll tell him he can do it in the a.m. - then the a.m. comes and it's usually a fight but I don't back down. I have given him chances to 'earn' priveleges back on occassion. I do this because I want him to feel positive consequences for positive efforts. I also do not wait until he's 'earnig' things back, but praise and reward him out of the blue when he's being cooperative. Susiestar - there have been so many times I could have and maybe should have done what you recommend. To tell you the truth I've never even thought of it- I see how that could force alot of positive things for my son. In my first post, I mentioned my older son as being the only one who has truly seen the extent of the rages. My parents understand, mom moreso than dad, and they have been close by. I know I can call on them and a slue of other friends close by that know the situation. For the most part, I have been hesitant to be an 'alarmist'. When I took my ex to court over the 'spankings' and had pictures to show, his attorney called my son a brat and depicted me as a 'pushover' mother. They claimed my son had sensitive skin and was being reasonably disciplined. I was sick over it- but the judge did rule for supervised visits for a short time and 'parenting' classes. That's when I sought help for him. I mentioned my older son because he often asks if I think his brother is being treated 'okay' at his dad's. We talk to the little one and he does not share anything out of the ordinary. I can tell you however, ex bad talks me and my son used to repeat things to me for a while until he started telling me "my dad gets mad at me when I tell you what he says". I have repeatedly told him he is allowed to tell me ANYTHING, ANYTIME he wants and he will never get in trouble with me. I've told him we both love him very much and that's all that matters and it's never okay for us to say bad things about each other. If/when he does share, I'll have to be careful what I do with the information, so as not to incriminate my son. He has told me recently, " I hate you just like my dad hates you!". I do believe that any parent who trashes their child's other parent to the child is abusing that child. Absolutely, hands down, it should never take place. I have emailed his father and stated this loud and clear. Other than this verbage, I do not know exactly what takes place although his wife is present and my son says she is 'nice' to him. Helpless feeling. Because I have him only every Thurs and every other weekend, there have been fewer physical occurances, but they still happen. These days, it's mostly the scary threats and hateful talk toward me. I will consider the hospital next time he gets physically violent though. I do fear for him and other kids, especially as he gets more comfortable lashing out verbally at school- and his teacher did say he is getting more and more impulsive. Totoro - thank you so very much for your kind words. I am experiencing and witnessing a lot of strength from mothers like you who are reaching out and sharing their stories. You do give me hope for my son and I am encouraged to hear things are better with K. I hope I can be a source of strength for others and will be able to share successs, even babysteps, one day as you have done with me. Today, I got online several times intermittently at work - (kept getting pulled away from my easy child) - Man...... it is overwhelming how many sites and agencies there are! I went from one site to another trying to identify where to start. I think I'll call the psychiatrist that referred us to the neurologist and ask him for a referral to a neuropsychologist. The county , city, and state have so many agencies, I probably should just call and ask who I need to talk to about meeting with an advocate. I'm not going to wait for time to do it tomorrow, I'll make the time. Again - thank you for all your input! [/QUOTE]
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