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Newbie with ODD child
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<blockquote data-quote="Bewildered" data-source="post: 295450" data-attributes="member: 7807"><p>Thanks everyone for the good advice. She is seeing her therapist tonight, and I will get the name of a good neuropsychologist from her. </p><p> </p><p>Believe me, I don't want to allow the hitting to continue, but this kid is very determined. The whole thing began on a stair landing, and I was pretty well trapped there for a bit . I did try to grab her hands or block slaps, but I could not safely remove her or myself from the area without the risk of someone falling down the stairs. I do try to lock myself in a bathroom, but she follows me or and/or blocks the door. When I have tried to remove her in the past she has been hurt by catching her hand in the door as I shut it, or a knee when she tries to block the door, etc. I have told her that she has no one to blame but herself, she should not mess with the door, but her determination to irritate me erases any memory of the consequenses. I have tried restraining her...we place her in a high backed chair and I kneel behind her and hold her arms so she can't hit me, but she is getting too strong for this method. She squirms and fights back so hard that she winds up with red marks on her arms. I don't want to inflict pain..in her eyes, even if she causes it by her own actions, in her eyes I'm the one who hurt her. </p><p>Honestly, the other night when the marathon session happened, I was determined to not let her get a reaction from me, and she didn't. Once I safely got off the stairs, I locked myself in the bathroom. I walked away several times to other areas of the house, she followed me each time. She calmed down for a while and apologized, but flew off the handle again when I tried to talk to her about the discipline for her inappropriate behavior. This time I was able to walk away immediately and she did not try to raise her hand to me. I told her she would not be able to go to a birthday party later in the week if she did not calm down immediately and get to bed, and she thought about it for a minute but did what I asked. </p><p> </p><p>She is generally a very good girl, and very intelligent. She was reading at close to a fifth grade level by the end of second grade. She struggles a bit with math, but not enough for them to hold her back. When we work and test her on it at home, she does fine. She just needs to learn to focus at test time at school. Part of her problem is that she is not very independent. She wants someone to coach her along and help her every step of the way or she won't even try. We have been working on that at home too. Last year, her teacher gave the children all of their homework for the week on Mondays, it was up to them to finish it at their own pace and turn it in on Fridays. 90% of the time she would just try to do it all on Monday. </p><p> </p><p>This morning she was whining about her punishment for her bevior on Monday. We did not allow her to go to her swim lesson, something she really enjoys, and we did not let her go to the swim park at all yesterday. Today, after she completed about 30 minutes of reading and math, we told her she could take her swim lesson today but would not be allowed to stay and play at the swim park. If she continues to behave well we will let her stay tomorrow to play after her lesson. I have given her loads of rope over the last 3 weeks with her reading and math, but she repeatedly avoided it, so I am sticking to my guns now. No fun until she completes it in the morning. It's not a lot of work, just enough to keep her on track for the beginning of the year. I told her we could make a game out of it, like playing school, and she could choose a teacher name for me. She happily chose the name of a favorite preschool teacher. So far so good.</p><p> </p><p>For more background, We adopted her when she was 2 days old. We know the birth mother,X, but not the birth father. I think her birth mother was clean throughout the pregnancy, but I'll never know for sure. X gave birth on Thursday. We were awarded guardianship 2 days later, as the courts were booked until the following Wednesday for the adoption paperwork. The first night, we got a call from X's lawyer saying that she hadn't stopped crying all day, she and her dad wanted to come and get the baby. I agreed to bring the baby to them instead. I thought we were never going to see the baby again. However, X just needed a little more time with her, so we essentially had joint custody for the next 3 days. The adoption papers were signed without a hitch on Wednesday. X came to visit for a few minutes once a week or so, until my daughter was about 7 months old. Then X fell off the face of the earth. I later learned it was because she was pregnant again and was too embarrassed to see me. We have had little to no communication since then. </p><p>X was adopted herself. Her younger brother was adopted as well, when she was about 10, and he proved to be a real handful and I think she was somewhat neglected in the attention department as a result. X was raped at age 13 by a friend of the family who lived in the neighborhood. His wife, a nurse, gave X drugs. I have only pieced bits of X's story together thru comments made by X, by X's own mother, and by a mutual aquaintance. She gave birth to my daughter at age 16. X then became involved with a local drug dealer who beat her. She had 2 other children by this man, and kept them. However, after the father of THOSE 2 children finally wound up in jail, X was essentialy homeless. Her 2 chldren wound up being cared for by their paternal aunt during the week, and by their maternal grandmother on the weekends. I have not seen or heard from X or X's mother for 3 years now. I would like to try to open communications again, but we have always left the ball in their court. Seeing us and seeing my daughter was always psychologically p[ainful for X and we never pushed harder than we deemed comfortable.</p><p> </p><p>I will read the reccomended books and will try the new diet as well. I am willing to try whatever it takes. I know my daughter does not WANT to act out this way. It's like someone else takes over her body. (When she was 3, we let her name the naughty person so we could tell hm to go away. She called him 'dogbone') We are trying to get to the bottom of it. She seems to like her therapist, but this will only be her 4th session. I know we have a lot of work to do. I am thankful that I found this site.</p><p> </p><p>Thanks so much to all of you who are willing to share your experiences and your ideas.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Bewildered, post: 295450, member: 7807"] Thanks everyone for the good advice. She is seeing her therapist tonight, and I will get the name of a good neuropsychologist from her. Believe me, I don't want to allow the hitting to continue, but this kid is very determined. The whole thing began on a stair landing, and I was pretty well trapped there for a bit . I did try to grab her hands or block slaps, but I could not safely remove her or myself from the area without the risk of someone falling down the stairs. I do try to lock myself in a bathroom, but she follows me or and/or blocks the door. When I have tried to remove her in the past she has been hurt by catching her hand in the door as I shut it, or a knee when she tries to block the door, etc. I have told her that she has no one to blame but herself, she should not mess with the door, but her determination to irritate me erases any memory of the consequenses. I have tried restraining her...we place her in a high backed chair and I kneel behind her and hold her arms so she can't hit me, but she is getting too strong for this method. She squirms and fights back so hard that she winds up with red marks on her arms. I don't want to inflict pain..in her eyes, even if she causes it by her own actions, in her eyes I'm the one who hurt her. Honestly, the other night when the marathon session happened, I was determined to not let her get a reaction from me, and she didn't. Once I safely got off the stairs, I locked myself in the bathroom. I walked away several times to other areas of the house, she followed me each time. She calmed down for a while and apologized, but flew off the handle again when I tried to talk to her about the discipline for her inappropriate behavior. This time I was able to walk away immediately and she did not try to raise her hand to me. I told her she would not be able to go to a birthday party later in the week if she did not calm down immediately and get to bed, and she thought about it for a minute but did what I asked. She is generally a very good girl, and very intelligent. She was reading at close to a fifth grade level by the end of second grade. She struggles a bit with math, but not enough for them to hold her back. When we work and test her on it at home, she does fine. She just needs to learn to focus at test time at school. Part of her problem is that she is not very independent. She wants someone to coach her along and help her every step of the way or she won't even try. We have been working on that at home too. Last year, her teacher gave the children all of their homework for the week on Mondays, it was up to them to finish it at their own pace and turn it in on Fridays. 90% of the time she would just try to do it all on Monday. This morning she was whining about her punishment for her bevior on Monday. We did not allow her to go to her swim lesson, something she really enjoys, and we did not let her go to the swim park at all yesterday. Today, after she completed about 30 minutes of reading and math, we told her she could take her swim lesson today but would not be allowed to stay and play at the swim park. If she continues to behave well we will let her stay tomorrow to play after her lesson. I have given her loads of rope over the last 3 weeks with her reading and math, but she repeatedly avoided it, so I am sticking to my guns now. No fun until she completes it in the morning. It's not a lot of work, just enough to keep her on track for the beginning of the year. I told her we could make a game out of it, like playing school, and she could choose a teacher name for me. She happily chose the name of a favorite preschool teacher. So far so good. For more background, We adopted her when she was 2 days old. We know the birth mother,X, but not the birth father. I think her birth mother was clean throughout the pregnancy, but I'll never know for sure. X gave birth on Thursday. We were awarded guardianship 2 days later, as the courts were booked until the following Wednesday for the adoption paperwork. The first night, we got a call from X's lawyer saying that she hadn't stopped crying all day, she and her dad wanted to come and get the baby. I agreed to bring the baby to them instead. I thought we were never going to see the baby again. However, X just needed a little more time with her, so we essentially had joint custody for the next 3 days. The adoption papers were signed without a hitch on Wednesday. X came to visit for a few minutes once a week or so, until my daughter was about 7 months old. Then X fell off the face of the earth. I later learned it was because she was pregnant again and was too embarrassed to see me. We have had little to no communication since then. X was adopted herself. Her younger brother was adopted as well, when she was about 10, and he proved to be a real handful and I think she was somewhat neglected in the attention department as a result. X was raped at age 13 by a friend of the family who lived in the neighborhood. His wife, a nurse, gave X drugs. I have only pieced bits of X's story together thru comments made by X, by X's own mother, and by a mutual aquaintance. She gave birth to my daughter at age 16. X then became involved with a local drug dealer who beat her. She had 2 other children by this man, and kept them. However, after the father of THOSE 2 children finally wound up in jail, X was essentialy homeless. Her 2 chldren wound up being cared for by their paternal aunt during the week, and by their maternal grandmother on the weekends. I have not seen or heard from X or X's mother for 3 years now. I would like to try to open communications again, but we have always left the ball in their court. Seeing us and seeing my daughter was always psychologically p[ainful for X and we never pushed harder than we deemed comfortable. I will read the reccomended books and will try the new diet as well. I am willing to try whatever it takes. I know my daughter does not WANT to act out this way. It's like someone else takes over her body. (When she was 3, we let her name the naughty person so we could tell hm to go away. She called him 'dogbone') We are trying to get to the bottom of it. She seems to like her therapist, but this will only be her 4th session. I know we have a lot of work to do. I am thankful that I found this site. Thanks so much to all of you who are willing to share your experiences and your ideas. [/QUOTE]
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