Newbie with- question

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by redl8ebug, Jul 4, 2007.

  1. redl8ebug

    redl8ebug New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I have an 18 y/o son who was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 8, but in the past several years his anger has been growing and turning him into a person I don't much care for. He got his girlfriend pregnant and I am basically supporting them by paying 90% of their rent, bills, buying him a car, etc. His father left us after my son was born and hasn't had much to do with him his whole life. Lately he has been treating me horribly - swearing at me, acting like my sole purpose in life is to make his life miserable. I have done everything for him and he doesn't seem to care one little bit. His girlfriend even said he needed help with his anger, but he refuses help. He is downright rude to adults, his bosses, random people, etc. and I am afraid he is going to be a jerk to the wrong person and get hurt or end up in jail - or God forbid hurt his girlfriend or the baby once it comes. When he isn't angry he is a very caring person....but lately the anger has been taking over.

    How do I help him if he doesn't want help????

    Thanks in advance for any advice you guys have.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I hate to say it but my first thought was and is drugs, especially if this is a change from past behavior.

    If you're positive there is no chance of drugs, it might be fear, depression, anxiety. Eighteen and a pregnant girlfriend is pretty stressful. Eighteen with a pregnant girlfriend and mom supporting you when you're supposed to be a man has got to cause resentment and, like most, he's going to resent the person who is helping him rather than himself for his actions. There's the added factor that you will love him no matter what he says or does. It's a rule, you know, you're the momma. :wink:

    As to how to get help for someone who doesn't want help and is legally an adult, that's a tough one. You might try giving an ultimatum but you have to be willing to follow through on it if you give one. Is there anything you can use for a bribe?

    If you truly are in fear that he will hurt you, his girlfriend or the fetus, I'd say give him an ultimatum. No matter what, all of you have the right to be safe. If he is losing control, he needs help whether he wants it or not.
  3. redl8ebug

    redl8ebug New Member

    Thank you - I never thought of the resentment thing. I don't think he is on drugs - because his girlfriend would have told me. She is very against all that. I did tell him that if he wanted me to continue to help with his rent he would have to go see someone about his anger (I offered to pay, because he has no money). That just made him more angry, of course. But I think I might just follow through on that and hope somewhere along the line he has a breakthrough.

    girlfriend told him the first time he loses his temper around the baby she will stay somewhere else - so you'd think that would be an incentive for him to want help.

    It's so hard because he is my only son and I love him more than life itself and of course want him to be happy.

    Thanks again!
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to the board.

    My first thought was not drugs, it was "holy moly, I am 18 and about to become a dad". I bet he is scared to death. People lash out when they are afraid, and fear comes off as anger often times.

    This will be a cold splash of water in your face, but the best thing you can do is stop helping him. Stop paying his rent. Stop helping with money in any way. You did not get his girlfriend pregnant, he did. He has to be the one responsible, not you.

    As far as getting him help for his anger, take it from a veteran. You cannot make ANYONE get help until and unless they want it. If he winds up in jail, that will be his lesson.

    If the time comes that you are truly worried about the unborn baby, and there is no other place for the girlfriend to go, then you might consider moving HER into your place.

    Tough love is not an easy thing. But as our difficult children get older, it is very important.

    Again welcome to the board. Warm hugs and prayers your way.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board. :smile:

    You've already gotten some good advice.

    I just wanted to ask.... Does your son have any uncles or a male figure he could talk to about the whole dad thing? Pretty scarey stuff at his age.

  6. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    Welcome aboard. This is a good place to hang out, listen and learn.
    My son also expresses a lot of anger, and sometimes I really can't see what he is angry about. A therapist told me recently that sometimes anger stems from fear/anxiety.
    It is so hard when you see someone who needs help like this and just refuses to get it. Yes, I think therapy for yourself to help you learn better how to deal with him would be a good start, especially if he won't go himself.
    In my son's case (he has bipolar disorder among other things)he is quite different when on his medications.
    I like the idea of a male role model to talk to him about seeking help. Not just for himself but for the sake of his baby.
  7. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Welcome to our family Red!

    I saw your reply to my post and I want to tell you that when my son was 18 I was in your exact same shoes with the exception of the pregnant girlfriend. My son was ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY all the time. He self medicated, he is a drug addict. Oh could I tell you stories of things that he has done and said that would scare you but I wont, it doesnt matter. Getting him help is what matters. With my son it was Bipolar and Anxiety, the anxiety being the main componant, he couldnt stand the feeling of being on edge all the time. after years of trouble at school at home with the law and drugs, he was finally able to recognize that he wanted help. He was diagnosis with BiPolar and Anxiety prescribed Depakote, Seroquel and Effexor and also takes Suboxone for his opiate addiction. He is stable, He is immature for 21 but I believe the drugs stunted his emotional growth, but he is getting there. He does not have outbursts and say the angry things like he used to, occasionally when he gets mad unfortunatly he gets real mad there is no gray area he just explodes but it doesnt last.

    If you could maybe speak with the girlfriend maybe she could help in convincing him to see someone about the way he feels. He has ALOT on his plate right now, He is very very lucky to have you helping him and he needs to realize that.

    I think its a good idea that you told him he needs to take responsibility for his actions and if he wants you to continue to support him and make his life easier then he needs to step up and get some help. Adhd could still be a factor here, anxiety even the cerebral palsy.

    It is very very hard to talk to an 18year old, try to talk to him when he is NOT in a rage

    Good Luck
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    stop supporting him, he is angry at you anyway and it is not making him appreciate you. have them go file for welfare help for rent etc. she can get free prenatal help and help when the baby gets here.

    if they want your help, he better be nice. I only help ant when he is good to me. otherwise, I learn to hate him, and grow an anger bone of my own.
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I believe anxiety/fear will make you act like a totally different person. He may well know, and feel one way..but the fear and anxiety of what is coming may take over. He is a young father to be. Probably not wanting his child to be without him, as he was without his father. Must be very scared. Does he talk with you? Can girlfriend get through to him? maybe he doesn't want you to pay for counseling. Does girlfriend have any suggestions or know who he might open up to?

    You are mom. I was told (re: easy child) there are just certain things HE will not share with mom. Many feelings. easy child's father also was absent from his life. Found out he did talk about that with others, never me...didn't want to hurt me. So it did weigh on his mind. told best friend that there is a man out there, a father, who doesn't want him.

    I agree with ant's mom. File welfare. There is a lot of help available. Use it when you need it.
  10. Jen

    Jen New Member

    He may have alot to be angry about, but doesnt she too? Is she acting the same as he?
    I have learned to give to the support of the baby and that is it. difficult child is nice at times.. when he wants something. I hlp thinking he has made a turn around, not, he gets it then turns nasty.