Newbie with the word 'Stupid' written on forehead

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Ma Kettle, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Hello everyone. i have been lurking here for almost two months, and already like so many of you, though you don't know me.

    Two months ago husband and I found out that our daughter 'Halfpint' was cutting. Being concerned parents, husband and I got her an appointment with a therapist, locked up all knives, etc. and moved her from her basement bedroom to the guest bedroom upstairs. So far so good. But 3 days later the proverbial 'stuff' hit the fan, and we found out so much more about her than I ever would have thought possible of her doing.

    That day, Halfpint wanted to go hang with a female friend. I asked if she wanted a ride and she said, no, she would walk. I thought it was kind of weird, so I asked her to send me a picture of the friend at her house via cell phone. No picture came, then excuses came, then the truth came out. She was at a nearby park with a boy. I immediately picked her up, angry as can be.

    Later that night after husband came home, we were eating dinner and for some reason I checked her backpack, and found it packed with clothes. She was going to run. husband got mad and shoved her, and told her to go then. She took off out the door with one shoe. No backpack, no cell phone. Text her friends, and they suggested we call 'S', she hangs out with him alot. We know 'S', but did not know that she hung out with 'S', who is 4 years older than Halfpint, who at the time was only 14...She mentioned 'S' maybe twice all summer, just in passing.

    'S's mom called saying Halfpint was at her house. I drove over and picked her up. Halfpint proceeded to tell me that she does not want to live with us and hasn't for quite awhile. I called a local teen drop off place, where kids can go if they do not feel safe at home. They tell me that she cannot go there if she cuts unless we get a Dr. to sign off that she is mental stable and won't hurt herself. So off to the hospital we go.

    We find out that Halfpint was given X by 'S' at a dance back in May. They chatted via FB. 'S' sold her more X, 10 at a time, in fact. She snuck out the house to meet him. Took more drugs while drinking. Sent sexts. Had sex. Snuck into people's yards to use their hottubs. She was walking around town after 1 am, while Pa and I thought all was asleep at home. 'S' cheated on her (if you can even call this a relationship). Halfpint decided to get him back by having a 3some with someone she met the day before and a friend she has known since kindergarten. Then invited boys to sneak over to our house, smoke pot in the backyard and have sex in her room. She stole condoms and alcohol from us.

    This behavior is so far from the morals and values we have raised her with. I am shocked, ashamed, mortified, embarrassed, saddend, heartbroken, angry, terrified, disgusted and a whole bunch of other words I can't think of right now.

    husband and I would never have known that all this stuff happened, except Halfpint told us. She told us more than we ever wanted to hear. Monotone, unashamed truth. She gave us her FB, iphone, ipod, email passwords without a fight. She has pretty much been on lockdown ever since, only doing a few things with trusted people who know just part of the story (because it is such a horrible unbelievable story, the only people I have told is husband, therapist and now you guys). She says she feels better just from telling the Dr. at the hospital. (And has now seen a therapist 5 or 6 times.) I have read correspondence she has had with 'S', including how much she hates husband and I (but mostly me), how she hopes she gets a therapist who gives her medications so she can turn around and sell it. How she wants a gun so she can get rid of husband and I. Horrible heartbreaking stuff. She made a diary of her 'trips' and sold X to friends. DDPCMary spoke with Halfpint and told her 'S' was not good for her, and HPints response was that she doesn't care, she loves him, he is a good person and when she is 18 she is going to find him. She also said she was just using us for a good education and stuff she can get, when she is 18 she is out of here. She even started a countown to 18 on a calendar.

    So my questions: is she really wanting help and trying to get better? Or is she just so far into this that she is not able to be helped? If you could hear how 'matter of fact' she speaks about these things, you would be shocked. Her therapist saw her every week for a month, then moved to every other week. He has not done any testing per say, has not given us a diagnosis. He only talks to us (actually husband, because I work during the day and can't take her to the appointments) in front of her, saying he wants her to trust him and know that no one is talking behind her back. She comes out of the sessions 'lighter', according to husband.

    I have just seen a therapist once so far. I vacilate between being so hurt/sad and mad/angry about HP's behavior. I want to 'beat her down' (verbally hammer her about what she did, etc), but I know I shouldn't beat her down. One day she told me 'Ma, I can't get better if you can't get over it'. True words, so I made an appointment for myself. I think I want her to feel (and admit aloud) all those feelings I stated further above in my post. And she is so matter of fact about what she did that it doesn't make me feel that she is remorseful. But if she isn't, why did she tell us all those truths? And, of course, there is the cutting, which is a release for all the bad feelings she has.

    Any insights?

    Ma Kettle, 40ish married 21 years to
    Pa Kettle, 40ish, Type I diabetes
    easy child daughter 'Mary' 18, ADD out of state college student and my sunshine
    difficult child daughter 'Halfpint' 15 (as of just a week ago) breaking our hearts
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    First, welcome...
    Activity around here varies considerably... but others WILL be along who have more direct experience to share...
    Wanted to make sure you know we "see" you!

    We've been down a different road - still extreme, but not drugs.
    My gut says... yes, it is a cry for help.
    Most likely, the problems don't go back a month or a year... there can be stuff from much farther back.
    Current stuff - she's willing to talk about.
    Getting to the bottom of things... may be harder.

    And it really doesn't help when the problem-escalation happens in conjunction with puberty!!!! (been there done that too)

    Others will want to know... some history. Any evauations, dxes, issues, challenges, family history. Adopted? blended family? Any info you can provide, increases the chances of connecting with others who have really "been there".
     
  3. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Insane: Thanks for the welcome.

    As far as history, she was a hairpuller (trichotilomania, or however you spell it) not diagnosed, just stopped on her own. She is a perfectionist, and the only problems we have ever had with her was doing homework. Which she recalls a particularly terrible fight with me regarding homework in 6th grade. It got so bad she forged my name on her report card. She says everything goes back to that night, where I went 'Godzilla' on her and spanked her and made her do her homework until 3 or so in the morning. I was so fed up at that time. She is our natural child, husband and I have been married 21 years and are very happy (with little things in between).

    Both husband and I have family members with everything, ranging from my halfbrother who committed suicide at 23, to alcholism and drug addition on both sides. But not husband, myself of PCdaughter.

    People have asked if she has been abused, and I really can't see how/ with who, though if I found out someone had messed with her it wouldn't be pretty.

    This is all so new, I don't have much to go on.

    Ma

    Ma- 40ish married to
    Pa- 40ish Type I diabetes
    PCDD Mary, 18 and away at college
    difficult child Halfpint, 15 (as of just last week) and breaking our hearts
     
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Welcome!

    I'm so sorry Halfpint is putting you through this kind of HE11. I don't have much advice to offer, but am concerned about the reduction in therapy frequency. Do you think she's stable enough to benefit from once every two weeks? in my opinion she probably should be going twice a week right now.

    Therapist won't give you a diagnosis unless you ask for one, and even then, some just don't. The ones my kids are seeing now don't diagnosis. For me that's OK, I don't need them to.

    If you want a diagnosis, you'll have to take her to a psychiatrist, or a psychologist. Since you've been lurking, I'm sure you know that a neuropsychologist is very popular with this board.

    Not really. in my opinion and experience, the matter of factness is a way to emotionally distance oneself. It's possible that if she let out any emotion, it just would not stop coming out, so she "detaches" from herself emotionally. Or she could be stuck in apathy, and really not feeling anything. Which would make sense in relation to the cutting. Since she can't feel inside, she creates the feeling outside.

    The fact that she did come clean to you is a positive sign, especially if it was in a matter of fact manner as opposed to out of anger. Doesn't mean she'll be a willing participant in getting better, but, in my opinion on at least some level, she wants the help.

    :notalone:
     
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Ma Kettle. From age 14 to about 16 1/2 was horrible around here, too. I think the only thing that saved us all was putting Miss KT on lockdown for a while...she went nowhere but school, and I dropped her off and picked her up. She also went to live with my mother for about nine months, which helped me regain my sanity, so to speak.

    Is your husband on the same page with you about getting help for Halfpint?
     
  6. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I don't have experience with most of this. difficult child 1 didn't show emotion for some very bad stuff he has done. The therapist said it was because there was so much emotion inside that he couldn't get it out. I'm thinking it was to scary and big.

    It does seem to be a cry for help. Especially in that she told you. Moving her upstairs after finding out she was cutting was a very good thing.
     
  7. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Thank you all for responding. It feels good to just type the whole mess out, without worrying about people running away shrieking...

    I wrote therapist, but he really is a psychologist. He hasn't really given us much feedback, which has been a worry of mine. husband is a wonderful guy, but does not like to ask questions and 'rock the boat' so to speak. I think I am just going to have to call psychiatrist myself. husband is on page with me. Halfpint goes to school, then home with him or has to sit at work with me until I am done. She is not left home alone, she has no access to computers/phones, internet of any kind. She has been kept on a very, very short leash. She has gone with a trusted friend/family who know part of the story just twice in the past two months. She has watched more football these past two months than she would ever have watched in her lifetime (husband and I love college football). There is no room to do any more damage. Currently I sleep with her, even, so no sneaking out. Though we are going to install an alarm so husband and I can have some privacy again.

    Ma

    Ma Kettle, 40ish married 21 years to
    Pa Kettle, 40ish, Type I diabetes
    easy child daughter 'Mary' 18, ADD out of state college student and my sunshine
    difficult child daughter 'Halfpint' 15 (as of just a week ago) breaking our hearts
     
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    When I had to "speak" to therapist without difficult child 1 I would e-mail. Maybe that could be something you could do since you can't go to the therapy to ask questions. Sounds like therapist wants Halfpint to know all interaction between therapist and you guys. I don't know if that is good. But it would build trust between therapist and difficult child.
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board Ma.

    My daughter cut for many years. Although she's drastically improved and stable as an adult.......there are still occasions when I know she has cut. I know it's awful to think of them doing it, but I don't get overly upset by it, concerned yes as it tells me immediately she's unstable, upset as in emotional, no. Just a good FYI on the cutting. It does no good to hide all the sharps in the house. I never locked anything up. Nichole cut by breaking pens, using paper clips, thumbtacks.......she was creative. If they're going to cut, they're going to cut.

    Now if it were my daughter and this S dude who is over 18, his fanny would be sitting in a jail cell. Legal age in most states is 16 and she was 14. Does not matter if he was just 18, he's an adult. Why have him in jail (other than that is where he belongs)? Because it shows both of them you mean business and at least for a period of time keeps him away from her. I'm saying jail more for the drugs issue than the sex issue.

    I refused to let Nichole see a therapist that would not let me be present for at least part of the session. One she was uncooperative and I saw no reason for her to sit there for an hour just starting at the therapist. I found one that would talk to her for the first half hour alone and with me the last half hour. I got lucky, she was an awesome therapist with teens of her own. During my half hour....if Nichole wouldn't talk, I voiced my concerns, usually that got the ball rolling. It kept me informed, better equipped me to deal with her.

    As per the drugs (which may or may not be the cause of the vast majority of her new behaviors) that is totally up to her. You can try your best to keep her from them, you can put her into rehab if she needs it, but unless she's ready, it's not going to make much difference. I hope this has been more experimentation than any actual down and out using.

    Oddly enough, it may be she wanted to be caught so you would stop her. That may be why you got the full confession and compliance.

    Sounds to me like you're taking all the right steps.

    ((hugs))
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would have called the police too and more for just sex. He was supplying her with drugs and she is a minor. My daughter fell apart in a similar way at 12, minus the extravagant sex, but she DID cut. Cutting is serious and can turn into an addiction. Is she getting any help for the cutting? I'm not sure it will help as long as she is using drugs (and, trust me, even when we think we have t hem covered, they find creative ways to use drugs). My daughter used to cut on places that didn't show, like the soles of her feet.

    If you feel your daughter may seriously be a threat to you, you may have to consider out-of-house placement.

    Your family history is pretty unstable. People who have family members who commit suicide are far more likely to do it. Please have her evaluated for a possible mood disorder...not that medication will help unless she is clean. Still, it is a start.

    I wish you you luck. There is nothing easy about a road like this one. Our daughter quit the drugs, but she had to do it on her own. Middle school/high school was a nightmare!
     
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member




    As usual, I completely agree with Kiesta. now...

    Hi there and welcome. I am so glad you found this board. It is full of very caring and experienced people. Please check frequently as you know from lurking, there are people here who post freqently and will be able to support you pretty quickly even if not in the exact situation. i agree, I like so many people here, and we have never met in real life. It is a wonderful thing.

    So, I am sorry for the heartbreak. I have a very different situation but my god daughter/niece just started sneaking out of the house and we are finding out where/what etc. For her so far, more typical teen rebellion but it is very scary and she too has now had her bedroom moved, we have weather covered all windows so she can't cover up her tracks etc. Very scary stuff.

    I can speak from my own teen/college years. I did not rebel that way, but I did have an eating disorder (and many Eat. Dis. people I was in treatment with cut) and know about hiding and fessing up such embarassing things. Things I was sure I would be rejected for, and that I just "read" off like it was someone elses life. I will say..... though it was NOT my parents fault..... one thing that my dad did in particular that made a huge difference to me...was to apologize. (again, it was not his fault, but we all have made mistakes here and there...) We argued alot. He did hit (smack not bruise beating kinds but still not ok) me a couple of times (like for washing my hair upstairs in the kitchen which was what we all did but that day he didn't want me to and I smarted off and refused to obey) We had some ugly verbal fights for a year or so. However, we had a good foundation (and it sounds like under this all you guys do too--prior to all of this). I am not saying you need to apologize and that would magically make things better. For sure! I am just saying that in a therapy situation, when we were talking about issues, there were things he did say sorry for and not be defensive about and it disarmed me. I couldn't argue anymore. Bottom line, it made me feel really heard by him. Trying to give you some insight into how one might be thinking or feeling when so messed up.... thoughts, feelings and behaviors are twisted when depressed. Nothing feels the same, no hope, etc. I was molested by a neighbor and was forced to be cared for by this family up until I was in second grade. I was too scared to tell my family. Kids are great at hiding the true story. It took me till adulthood to fess up. You may not be able to tell IF there is something. No doubt she is hurting and if she is using drugs (folks here will be able to share how that changes the game) I suspect you are not really dealing with your little halfpint.


    You are definately not alone. You have a right to have all of the feelings you have and you do not need to be ashamed at all. It is a huge relief to be able to tell the honest truth here about how my son hits me etc. when I have to soften it for my family. I understand that feeling. Please talk to yourself like you would talk to any of us...as a friend. You deserve understanding and compassion.


    I hope you can increase services for her and can find support for yourself. Is it alateen or alanon for families with kids who have these issues? haven't had to do it. I have had to do some tough love (for different issues) like taking door knobs off doors, no locks, alarms on doors, etc.


    Glad to get to know you, Buddy
     
  12. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Welcome!

    If you want to "speak" to the therapist without your difficult child hearing, I would suggest sending him an e-mail and explaining to him exactly what your concerns are. Spell is out for him, not matter how long or silly you may think your concerns are. He needs to hear them, epsecially if husband is not a boat rocker (my husband is the same way, so I know what that is like).

    If you want the todoc to see her more than every other week, tell him that. I have no other advice for you. I hope that it gets better.
     
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Welcome! And... :hugs:

    My daughter cut, too. I'm not sure if she still does or not; I'm betting yes. And, oh, are they so creative! When we took everything away, she used lightbulbs. If they want to, they will. And I'm sorry for that.

    The drugs are very frightening. Keeping Halfpint from 'S' won't necessarily stop that... With my experience with Onyxx, I also suggest you lock up any cold medications and Rx drugs in the house.

    You said you keep her on a short leash - I hate to ask this but... Are you sure she's not sneaking out still? Onyxx's best behavior to our faces came at the price of her doing all kinds of things behind our backs. And... We had to sleep. Biological imperative. We're still finding evidence of what she did while we slept or were in the next room.

    With all the MH issues in your family, I'd be really concerned. Also, your older daughter (Mary... Halfpint... LOL... Little House?) has ADD... That can go right along with other things.

    As for having "stupid" on your forehead - it's not permanent. All of us have had DUH moments (weeks, months)... And the odds are it's not stupidity, it's stress.
     
  14. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Hello Ma Kettle. It's a heart break when you do everything you are supposed to do and find this boiling cauldron of hate and self destruction under the surface. Try to remember that 14 is very young and she has adolescent hormones that make everything seem the end of the world to our difficult child's. Their drama level is pretty high. How she is today isn't necessarily how she will be in 2 yrs or 4 yrs.
    She is going to be a challenge but try to step back and look at the goal and try to remember it before you get mired in the drama. Your goal is to raise a law abiding, working, independent, responsible adult. Breaking the law isn't going to get her there, nor treating her body in such a debasing way won't allow her to grow self respect. She really is doing behaviors that are hurting her and secondarily hurting you.
    Remember, she can hate you. It's not your goal to have her always happy with your parenting. Your job is to guide her and parent her towards adulthood. Many of us have seen our difficult child's say and think awful things in the process of growing up and through adolescence. Those who learn from their mistakes change and move forward. Those who don't learn from mistakes keep doing harmful things. You can't really control her and you have to step back a little. Right now, I think you have to work on her not hurting herself then you can work on therapeutic healthier relationship. You and husband don't sound like poor, irresponsible parents so try to shelve the guilt. It's not about your parenting(although she will try to make it about you). It's about her thinking process and the hiccup in her thinking. Eventually, you will rules that are inflexible such as No drugs or alcohol, rules that have some flexibility and some things you stop worrying about.
    My difficult child had different issues but it really is a process of getting through the hurt and anger to get to the point where you realize she is your child, you love her, even if you don't always like her behavior, and you will try to do everything to get her to the point of healthy productive living regardless of how much it appears to the outside world. You don't owe them any explanation or justification. When I got "balled up" with emotions I ask myself "who does it serve" and what does my child need. It helped me to see the goal a little clearer. Believe it, most of us parents of older difficult child's have been humbled and humiliated in many cases. Eventually we get over it and realize it really is less important than we thought.
    Hang in there. Fight for your child and be her warrior mom even if it means you are fighting her. Keep your eye on the goal.
     
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I am hoping one of the mandated reporters you have had contact with in the last few weeks has called the police. Otherwise you should, immediately. At 14, your daughter does not have the mental capacity to consent to sex. That adult raped her. The police can help, please call them.
     
  16. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Finally get a chance to post...

    Keista-Thank you for the info. I did not know that we had to request for a diagnosis. Going to do that at the next appointment for sure. Thanks again!

    KTMom: My husband is ready, willing and able to be on the same page. He has a hard time being the disciplinarian, and we are moving more towards him taking care of that, so I am not always the 'bad guy'.

    Hound dog: You are so right about the cutting. Since finding out HP cuts, I have been checking her after showers. I heard the inner thigh is a place they like, too. She has confided she has felt like cutting, but has not done so for two months. I wish she didn't even feel like doing it, but at least she isn't acting on the feeling.
    I am going to put 'S' story further down in this post, which will explain alot.
    Sometimes I think that she wanted to get caught, too. Wish I would have caught it earlier.

    MidwestMom: I am not with her at school, so I can't be sure, but I don't think she is taking any drugs since before everything went to he11. We bought test kits and check her eyes, etc. I do worry she might have stuff hidden in the basement. She swears she doesn't, but we don't let her go to the basement alone.

    Buddy: You were/are my favorite person to read about when I lurked on this site. I can feel through your words how much you love your son. It breaks my heart for you. I wish you well and send you hugs.
    You are dead on right about how important it is to apologize. I found myself tearing her down and saying nasty things one day after school (I had to miss something at work to pick her up, and people were bugging me about why can't my 14 stay home alone blah blah blah and I was upset) (not that I was right). I went to my desk after giving her a piece of my mind and cried. When it was time to leave I did apologize. I told her I wanted her to get better, and I didn't want to feel this bad or make her feel worse. We came up with a code 'sentence' where if I was acting that way again, she would say it to remind me I wasn't being productive. She hugged me after that. I think she was suprised I admitted I was wrong. I am sorry for all that happened to you. Any wise words you have for me would be appreciated. I know I am not perfect and just want a happy healthy child.

    Stepto2: Story of 'S' to follow...
    I know she isn't sneaking out now. Ever since the night the stuff hit the fan I have slept with her in the same bed. She has to crawl over me to go to the bathroom, but she never gets up until I wake her in the morning. The only time she isn't observed by husband or me, is when she is at school. Which makes me nervous. We check her backpack, pockets, etc. Any other suggestions would be great.

    Fran: Thank you for all your kind/wise words. I beat myself up about things all the time. I will come back to your message every time I feel low. Thank you!

    Okay, the story of what happened with 'S'

    When Halfpint went to the hospital to see if she was mentally stable to go to a teen in trouble home for the night, the psychiatrist that interviewed her told us that she would have to report this to CPS. CPS contacted us within a day, which I was really amazed about. Caseworker went to HP's school and interviewed her. He called us later that day and said he sent this case on to a detective with the local police. That it would take two weeks or so for the detective to get back with us. So we waited.
    Halfpint had to turn over all passwords to her Facebook, ipod, cell phone, email accounts, etc (which she did with no objections. I took her phone, and scanned her FB account because she, of course, was friends with 'S'. 'S' did not try to contact her at all during that time (which shows me how much he cares about her, but I never thought he did to begin with). Two days after the stuff hit the fan at our house, he posts that he has to go back east to see family. So I worry that the detective won't get to interview him because he is out of state. I have my PCDDMary find out from 'S's brother his dad's address back east. Just in case. husband and I get a call from Caseworker, who is near crying. He says that the detective isn't going to do anything about 'S' because it doesn't sound like coercion. We were so upset. Considered having a restraining order made against 'S' when he got back to Utah.
    But in thinking about it, I flipped. I called 'S' mom. Told her "I hear you brought my daughter home at 4 and 5 in the morning some days during the summer. Did you know your son gave her drugs and sold her drugs and got her drunk and had sex with her? Did you know she is 14?" She complained about all the problems 'S' has given her, blah blah blah. I leveled with her. I told her if 'S' comes near Halfpint, husband will kill him. I said I would call the police. I told her that it is up to her now to help me. She has to let me know when he is in Utah, so that I can be sure to be extra vigilant with HP. That she helped in my daughters deliquency, because who would let a 14 girl be out with a boy from 1 am to 4 or 5? And when she dropped HP off, no porch light like we were expecting her? And she would come in the back door. 'S' mom promised to keep us posted of where 'S' is.
    Days after that 'S' posts how much he hates it there, who wants to party when he gets back, etc. And then two weeks after he leaves, he posts that his family just did an intervention, and he is going to a 30 day rehab in Cali. No fb posts from him since. It has been past 30 days, so I think they must of extended it. Of course, 'S' mom has not called to let me know where 'S' is. She and her hubby now live on the east coast, too, so 'S' has no immediate family here to live with if/when he gets out.
    So this is where we stand with 'S'. The police couldn't be bothered to follow the law (and I know HP was championing for him to not get in trouble, in fact it was one of her biggest worries). She kept saying it was all her choice, she wanted to do those things, etc. She was so relieved when she found out he didn't get in trouble. I wanted to shake her (but I restrained myself from doing so). I have access to the pages of 'S' and his older brother, who is/was friends with PCDDMary. I have their addresses back east, and 'S' moms cell phone number. I just pray he never comes back here, or at the least that we have fair warning.

    And that is the rest of the story, in a nutshell.

    Thanks for listening. :)

    Ma Kettle, 40ish married 21 years to
    Pa Kettle, 40ish, Type I diabetes
    easy child daughter 'Mary' 18, ADD out of state college student and my sunshine
    difficult child daughter 'Halfpint' 15 (as of just a week ago) breaking our hearts
     
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I pray that is the end of the story with S too. I'm still living my "S" story (Katie's M) and that started when she was 14, he was 26 and she will be 32 in Jan and he is 44. The really sick part? She still defends him, and it's gotten much worse over the years.

    But her biomom didn't make the choices or take the steps you did with her, instead she moved the man into the house when katie was 16...........so hopefully this is the end of S completely.

    Good for you for apologizing, and major kuddos for giving difficult child a code phrase to let you know when you might be going over the top. (which is not hard to do with a normal teen let alone a difficult child one) We're only human, not the super heros our kids grow up believing us to be.

    I did find an exercise that proved to be helpful with Nichole's urge to cut, because she didn't just cut.......when it's really bad she carves awful words and phrases deep into her skin. One day I handed her a permanent marker, told her it served the same purpose of cutting by letting her express herself, without the dreadful scars left behind when she was more stable and feeling better. She used it for years and it did help keep the cutting down to minimum, only when she was really bad.

    If difficult child starts taking a major liking to jeans and long sleeved shirts be suspicious. Nichole hid her cutting.

    Yet as she became more stable.....she was indeed left with the hideous scars. So I broke my own rule and let her get a tattoo under 18, one she designed herself, which was done over the worst of the scars to hide them. Artist did an excellent job. She has since covered others that way.
     
  18. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    HI and welcome! My daughter cut, too. She also used erasers to burn scabs in to her skin. It was a phase that she went through that thankfully ended. I used to cut as a teen, too. I believe I did for attention. My parents were pretty absent in my life and I was desperate for attention from anyone.

    We tried several times to bring our difficult child to therapy. She thought it was a big joke and either wouldn't talk at all, or would tell some outlandish story because she thought it was funy. Needless to say, it didn't work very well for her. If your daughter is talking to the therapist - that is awesome! Definitely a positive.

    We found out that our difficult child had been sneaking out at night. We put an alarm system on the house - every window and every door. She still found a way to get out and to this day I have no idea how. Maybe she will tell me some day...

    We tried putting her in rehab three times. She would be completely abusive, uncooperative and get discharged immediately. No one would take her unless she went willingly. It has been sheer hades here. Then I found a crystal meth pipe. We had to give her the ultimatum of a long term rehab program or she couldn't live at home anymore. She decided she wouldn't live at home anymore and it has been almost a year now. Nothing has changed except that she is now 18 and I am not legally responsible for her anymore.

    I pray your story has a much better outcome. Sounds like you are doing all of the right things for sure! Keep coming here for support. No one understands better than another parent of a difficult child!!
     
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    unbelievable (but of course I do believe you)

    any way to report the dude to higher ups? I pray this guy is out of her life forever. She is so lucky to have you. I hope she understands that when she grows up!
    thanks for the compliment, yes....I love my son fiercely....but wow, is he a handful. (wink)
     
  20. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and Welcome!

    From another Mom with "Stupid" written on her forehead.

    I think we feel so "stupid" because we have been so completely blindsided by these extreme behaviors. It's 'not in the handbook' - so to speak.

    When my daughter was caught cutting, and running around with older guys, and IMing about how she wanted us to die - she too, admitted to a few things. Unfortunately, she only admitted what she figured we already knew. It wasn't a confession or a plea for help - it was more of a "yeah, yeah, I did this and that - now leave me alone."

    I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you...

    just some support and a re-assurance that you are not alone.
     
Loading...